Just what IS it between MIL and DIL when the first DC’s arrive? It seems to send us both crazy and make us hate each other? And how can I stop it from escalating again, to the point where I am questioning if I have PND?
I'm the DIL
MIL - She’s an ok person. A bit of a hoity toity/ holier than thou type. I can chat away with her and sometimes enjoy her company (in small doses) but she can’t see past her own nose and is very insulting, tactless and domineering. I’m aware that she thinks her son could have done better; I don’t have a Uni degree, my family aren’t as wealthy as hers so I didn’t quite tick all of her boxes however I have apparently compensated for this by being relatively good looking, meaning her DGC’s may also end up good looking, which is apparently great for all the family photos down the line (true story, the only “compliment” I ever received from her)
So I bite my tongue and we tick along. I either laugh at her silly ways or just ignore her.
But I find her unbearable when it comes to DC and I can’t let things slide. When she tries to take control, acts entitled or ignores what I say/ask in relation to DC, it unleashes a beast in me that I wasn’t aware existed before. I find it so difficult when she does things like snatch DC from my arms, her demanding I remove soother from his mouth, trying to dictate everything from where he goes to school to what he eats and childcare arrangements, her referring to DC as “MY little boy”, her talking to me about him as though he wasn’t actually my child. She completely blanks me and ignores what I am saying and will literally sprint past me if I reach out to take DC from her.
Likewise I seem to piss her off no end, albeit inadvertently. Whenever we’re in the company of others, other people will naturally turn to me and ask how DC is/is he sleeping the night/ eating well etc and will compliment me on how well behaved he is or his gorgeous hair etc - all of the general stuff that people say but it upsets her to the point that she’s left the room sulking or created a bit of a scene by talking over me to answer questions on my behalf. I think she sees it as her role, and him her child, not mine and it upsets her that I’m the one being acknowledged as the mother.
I feel she sees DC as her 3rd child. I know she would have liked more children but it didn’t happen for whatever reason so I think she’s filling that void with my DC. She kept all of DH and SIL’s clothes and toys (from 30+ years ago) and likes to have DC play with them and likes to dress him in their old clothes. I cannot decide if it’s a bit nutty or if it’s just innocent and she’s being practical in a way? DC just never warmed to her, not yet anyway, he doesn't make strange with anyone but cries when she takes him and always wants to come back to me. You'd honestly think he could read my mind or that he understood she was annoying me as it's so obvious it's only her he plays up with. This infuriates her and she does this horrible guilt trip thing, telling DC she’s sad he doesn’t want her and has in the past started crying herself when he does this. It’s a bit cringe.
Lately I seem to have (again inadvertently) started bothering her even more to the point that she seems extremely irritated by me. She recently learned that I earn more money than DH (12K more p/annum) and hadn’t previously realized that I have quite a senior role where I work and seems to have taken this badly. Feels it’s unfair as I am not degree educated. I work my absolute ass off btw and it was a long hard slog to get to where I am. I think she had wrote me off as some dim wit who was nice to look at but not as superior as her or her own family. And the fact that I’ve proven to be otherwise seems to bother her. I think she felt better about herself when she believed I wasn’t successful in my career or that I didn’t know how to be a good wife and mother.
So what to do? DC2 is due in 3 months and I’m determined she doesn’t ruin things for me again. I hope to limit contact and try avoid situations where it’s just me, her and DC. I’m very confident in my abilities as a mother and don’t feel insecure in any way in that regard but it hurts me that she has deemed me so irrelevant not just as a mother but in general, and that she acts like DC is hers, and she the mother in our situation.
So aside from avoiding her completely, has anyone out there mastered setting boundaries and keeping a cool head when dealing with this type of unfair, overbearing behavior?
DH on my “side” btw and will pull her up on things but that just annoys her even further and she then takes it out on me
TIA