Husband's new job

[K2608]

Hi all

I just need a bit of a moan and a bit of advice!

So my husband started a new job 2 months ago, it's a senior role where he work alongside someone else in the same position as him but they deal with different brands. They both have a manager above them. He is still learning the job and brands as this was a big step up for him.

Two weeks ago the other guy alongside him has left and not been replaced. My husbands manager is on holiday for two weeks so my husband is now in charge and also in charge of double what he is paid for due to the other senior leaving. There are no plans to replace him and it's also quite a lot of work so he is pretty stressed out.

My husband has always worked long hours. He has one day off a week and when he is working he doesn't get home until our children's bedtime (4y and 2y) he does tend to settle them at bedtime whilst I cook dinner. So our one day can be quite precious.

When he gets home he doesn't really talk, just sits on his phone or watches tv for a bit as he is tired ( I honestly get that! I'm a manager myself but only term time) he also goes to gym once the children are in bed a few times a week. I don't feel we are actually communicating or spending time with one another and I'm starting to feel it!

I feel evenings are pretty rubbish to be honest.

Any tips/advice? I'm not really sure what I'm asking for to be honest or the whole reason for the post!

He’s probably knackered ! I wouldn’t begrudge the gym time as he has got to unwind .
Why don’t u get a babysitter on his day off and have a meal out instead of cooking ?

Sounds like he’s gone into bunker mentality, understandable really. Some people talk about their stress, others don’t.

Can you plan something fun for you all to look forward to? I’d be making sure you’re getting and giving lots of hugs.

How long before they employ another manager? He can’t keep doing the work of two forever.

Thanks everyone

It's my birthday coming up so planning on some time together then, my mum has already offered to babysit.

I forgot to add his manager is leaving in just over two weeks too and they haven't replaced him either. So he could be in charge of everything (which he did say he isn't ready for!)

It's a lot of stress for someone new to the company and the role he has taken on. I do really feel for him.

His mum also passed away 6 weeks ago which has taken its toll. Just not quite sure how to approach it. I'm really worried about him.

Also adding on... we were supposed to be going away end of the month but that's been put on hold because of all the stress and no one else there to take charge,

My goodness, I’m surprised the poor man is still standing!
If I was him I’d organise a meeting with whoever is next up the line to him and the head of HR to develop a strategy for the forthcoming period. The death of his mother is significant, he must make them aware of the fact that he’s possibly not 100%. If he blindly plods on he’s going to be in difficulty, with so many vacant posts.
His life outside work must be considered, his company must value him or they’re going to be another manager down as well.
Plan, plan, plan.

I’m sorry but you sound massively selfish. The poor guy is dealing with the death of his mum and an incredibly stressful worklife and you’re complaining that he’s not being entertaining enough? Communication is important but for crying out loud, let him at least relax in the evenings. Most people need time to unwind when they get in from a stressful day, I don’t see an issue with him watching tv or going on his phone after he’s settled the kids. Tbh I think this is about you, you’re feeling lonely or bored and by the evening you want him to come home full of the joys of spring to talk and spend quality time together which is just unrealistic really, you can’t expect him to be on top form as soon as he walks in the door after a stressful day (and still grieving) in the same way you might not be feeling particularly chatty after a stressful day at your work/with the kids. Set aside maybe one evening a week and one day with minimal tv or phones but surely you can see why when he gets in he just wants to relax and watch some thoughtless tv or play on his phone. Lots of people do.

Thank you for all your replies everyone!

Wow what a reply princessfaffalot!

No not selfish at all. I'm worried about him. I'm not asking him to entertain me, just a bit of communication, surely a conversation in the evening is ok once in a while??? I get he need chill time and down time and I'm trying to support him as much as I can, I also worry about my children and their quality time with him! When he gets home from work he will sit in front of the tv from around 7.30-10.30pm, have a shower then watch more tv after this and not say a word! If I do say something I end up talking to myself!

My husband has been in a very similar situation OP, and I understand where you're coming from.

You're worried about the impact on his mental and physical health, but also about the impact it's having on your relationship.

You're worried that there seem to be no plans in place to reduce your husband's workload, in fact it seems that it's going to get worse, with no end in sight.

How is your husband feeling about what is happening at his work? Have you talked about that? About how he feels he is coping, mentally and physically? About the impact on your relationship? And of course on his relationship with the children?

Remind him its not his problem but the companies. As long as he does his job, any extra for the business is good especially if appreciated. If he overdoes it and makes himself ill he'll get not thanks or sympathy from them as loyalty usually is one way at work, they'll dump you soon as they feel the need.

While he wants to be a good provider he needs to remember to be a good husband and father and ensure he leaves time for the family.

No of course it’s not unreasonable to want a conversation is fine, more than once in a while obviously. Just as him wanting time to unwind and just not have to think is fine too. You need to find a balance. I probably haven’t worded it very well but it looks as though this all about the impact his new job, his loss etc is having on you. Instead of feeling as though “evenings are rubbish” talk to him properly, set aside couple time and family time say on a Monday and a Saturday evening. It’s not about him never watching tv or you feeling alone all evening every evening, it’s about balance and understanding each other’s needs.