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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Thinking about breaking up with partner, need advice

23 replies

SheepGoesBaa · 13/08/2019 09:52

I met my partner 2 and 1/2 years ago and life was amazing with him. We got on so well and we did so much together. There are some problems and issues now though.

Sex was never our top priority in our relationship. In the beginning, at a guess we did it about 2/3 times a month. Since last year, there has been a slow decline. I put I'd down to life getting in the way and opposing schedules. This year and we had sex only once, back in January.

There has been many times during sexy times together where he has no problem gaining an erection. Sometimes I might give him a blow job but from there there's no sex whatsoever because he takes over with his hand. Many, many, many times. The man has sexual energy but its not for me, its not for vaginal sex with me, its for his hand.

Back in June, I was very busy, work and family issues and it was about 2-3 weeks when I got around to seeing my partner. He stayed the night with me and the most I got was getting dry humped in the middle of the night.

This is an issue for me. There's no sex between us. We are just back from a weeks long holiday where there was no sexual bonding between us at all.

To be quite honest, at this stage, I'm quite sick of this. He tells me he loves me all the time and he is affectionate and caring but there is no sexual chemistry between us any more.

There's a few other things. His calls. Sometimes if I'm busy, I might miss a call from him. Sometimes he will persist with calls and it's now bordering on obsessive. My mother even noticed. I was having breakfast one morning. It was a rushed breakfast. My phone rand but I had food in my mouth so I didn't pick up thinking I will phone him back after breakfast. By the time I was finished with breakfast there were 4/5 missed calls. My mother asked what's with all the calls? When I rang him back, he had nothing urgent whatsoever to tell me.

This nearly obsessive calls is a new thing from him. He was never like this in the beginning.

Something new,
When away on holidays, I googled something and directions but it was slow. I left my phone down on the table and went up to the counter to order something. I came back and I found him with my phone in his hand. What on earth was he doing with my phone in his hand? What was he looking for? Thankfully I have nothing to hide but I'm still not happy with that. I consider that to be an invasion of privacy akin to checking ones diary. I suspected he did it another time too when I left my phone on the table to go to the toilet.

So anyways there's a few issues here.

  1. dry sex life
  2. calls nearly bordering on obsessive
  3. checking my phone.

To be honest, I think this relationship is dying and I don't know if it's worth talking to him and trying to save it. There's other issues too. Like we traveled for about 13 hours straight for our holidays. The first thing I did was go for a shower and change from my clothes. It took him another day or maybe even two (I wasn't keeping track) for him to go into the shower. There's many nights when he goes to bed not even brushing his teeth. I don't know ifs he's aware of it himself but his gums are bleeding heavily. Waking in the mornings, there's staining on the pillow cases where he obviously drools.

OP posts:
hellenbackagen · 13/08/2019 15:40

if its this bad after 2 years i think you are right to bail.

hellenbackagen · 13/08/2019 15:42

the lack of sex life and the poor hygiene would be enough for me - that said i cant seem to take my own advice! ( i have opposite problem - sex life great, its the rest of it!)

SheepGoesBaa · 13/08/2019 16:22

At this stage, it's awful. We don't have a sex life. I'm so sick and tired of being in this relationship and having no sex life. He doesn't finger me or give me oral. The most he does is rub my clit. That's it. It's doing fuck all for me. We don't have a sex life and I think without it we are just friends.

I'm falling out of love with him. I don't want to be but I am. He's a good man. He works hard and looks after his aging parents and has time for me. I can't stop feeling the way I do.

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MrMagooooo · 13/08/2019 16:36

It's only been 2 years, you have no kids and clearly this relationship is over. Time to call it a day and find some happiness. Tell us why your sticking around and making yourself unhappy as each day goes by.

You'll develop anxiety, depression, gain weight and end up on Prozac if you continue. Your mental health will suffer. He might be happy but your not!!!

SheepGoesBaa · 13/08/2019 16:48

We booked a holiday last winter for this summer. Our issues are only relatively new over the past few months. I was craving intimacy and sexual bonding and I was hoping the holiday together would see us getting closer but that never happened. The holiday is over now and it's time for me sit down with him and have a chat.

I saw a type of pig headedness from him after our holidays too. We had a bus booked from the airport for 4pm. Our flight got in at 2.20pm. He pretty much decided to race around the airport, getting off the flight, through passport control, to baggage pick up and get the 3pm bus home. It was unbelievably tight. I told him I needed to stop for a cup of tea but nope, I wasn't allowed. It was another few more hours before we got home and at that stage I was tired and sick too.

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SheepGoesBaa · 13/08/2019 16:59

There's something I don't get.

He tells me he loves me. A day doesn't go by where he isn't phoning and Snapchat ting and telling me he loves me. Whenever we are out, he takes my hand and holds my hand which I think is so cute. But it's not translating physically in the bedroom.

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MrMagooooo · 13/08/2019 17:00

Talk to him. Set yourself an amount of time for it to get better, then bail. I'm all up for trying to make things work in a relationship but sometimes they just don't and you sound very unhappy even if it is in a short space of time.

Think about how hard it will be to leave the longer it goes on or if you have kids. You don't need an excuse it just needs not to be working for you.

MrMagooooo · 13/08/2019 17:02

Actions and words.

Doesn't matter what he says it does. If your not happy/it's not working it's pretty much end of.

If you tell him what you need and he can't give it to you his words that he says to you won't equal the actions that you need

KOKOtiltomorrow · 13/08/2019 17:07

Does he wank a lot? I’ve heard on here that men who do can have trouble with sex as the vagina is not as “firm” as the hand????

KOKOtiltomorrow · 13/08/2019 17:09

Although doesn’t explain the other shit behaviour

Aquamarine1029 · 13/08/2019 17:11

You are massively wasting your time. End it asap and move on with your life.

SheepGoesBaa · 13/08/2019 17:26

KoKo,

A few things leads me to believe that yes, he does wank and possibly watches porn. May Times when I give a hand job, its clear I'm not strong enough because he takes over where he is vigorous.

I don't get it. Surely he knows sex is unsatisfactory for him and that he prefers his hand over sex with me. Surely he knows there's a problem now. Surely he knows he has a problem. A quick Google brings me to a site called nofap.com where others have a similar problem and they go about addressing their issue by not masturbating. Does he not care about us having a fulfilling sex life?

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SheepGoesBaa · 13/08/2019 17:27

I'm going to finish with him. Hopefully this weekend. I'm not happy with him.

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CodenameVillanelle · 13/08/2019 17:32

I'm so sick and tired of being in this relationship

You don't need any more reason than that. Don't waste your life.

MrMagooooo · 13/08/2019 17:48

Just quickly for future reference. If he takes over and wanks vigorously maybe that's a signal for you to ask him how he wants it done or maybe try different things to see what works.

I don't know why he doesn't want sec. have you tried asking him?

Doesn't matter now though as it seems like this RL is done and dusted.

fedup21 · 13/08/2019 17:54

I think this relationship has run its course.

SheepGoesBaa · 13/08/2019 17:55

Well, it looks as if he likes it strong and hard and I don't have the strength to give it to him the way he likes.

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R44Me · 13/08/2019 18:05

The non toothbrushing ginguvitis or similar nasty mouth infection would finish it for me!
And DH did a lot of phoning - it was controlling imv. And he phoned when he was bored imv, I am never bored so his calls were intrusive and irritating, not caring and interested which is what he pretended.

Missbee90 · 13/08/2019 18:16

I think from your first post it sounds like you’ve fallen out of love with him and you’re at the point where everything is irritating you, perhaps even stuff you would’ve left slide at the beginning when it was all happy and rosey. It looks like from another post you’ve decided you’re going to end things, I can imagine he may put up a fight and “promise to change” so preempt that to potentially happy and prepare as best you can. Nobody can tell you what’s right or wrong to do for you but it doesn’t sound like this guy is making you happy and as much as the heartache will hurt I think you’re probably going to be happier in the long run without him x

Missbee90 · 13/08/2019 18:17

*sorry no idea why the word happy randomly appeared in my reply.. serves me right for replying on the train stood up!

SheepGoesBaa · 13/08/2019 18:45

That makes so much sense. I probably let a lot slide. Now, I'm in the mindframe of there's no sex, we're nearly done and things about him are irritating me.

Of course I will miss when I break up but that's where it will stop. I have a life that is busy and fulfilling and hobbies that enriches my soul.

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Missbee90 · 13/08/2019 19:19

I totally get what you’re saying, my ex husband left me 14 months ago.. on reflection I was actually really miserable but was blind too it, I hate being 29 and divorced but I am SO much happier now, I thought my world had ended when he left but he did me the biggest favour. Life is too short to spend it with someone who doesn’t make you smile x

SheepGoesBaa · 13/08/2019 21:53

God, this is getting more awkward.

I'm not happy in my job and I want to leave . There is a potential job opportunity staring at me in my face but it's through his brother. Its something that could fall straight into my lap with ease. 😭

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