I phoned women's aid

[thespellhasbeenbroken123]

I phoned them because I know it's abuse
But I just don't know if it's bad enough to loose everything and rip our lives apart..
And I convince myself it's our circumstances or all my fault
But
They told me in no uncertain terms it's most definitely 'bad enough' to leave, it's not my fault And actually, she said it's quite horrific

So I'm going to ring my local domestic violence team

I have to, if not for me but for my poor kids, one of which at the age of 3 is starting to be affected.

But I'm so scared 😰 I literally have nothing!

I actually want him to hit me then I have a real reason to leave 😯
And people won't judge me

My heart goes out to you, you do have a real reason to leave. You must get out. Research shows that the hidden scars from emotional abuse are as bad as physical abuse. You will get help, there is a future for you, things will get better.

Cleaning the house again
And I just thought
Whats the fucking point
Literally what's the point
But I know he will be annoyed if it's not clean
But it's just such hard work with the kids

My sister left her abusive relationship, no kids luckily
And she said she still gets panic attacks if she leaves the washing up over night
Or her house isn't spotless
And that's how I feel I would be!

And I imagine being able to wear what I want without feeling not good enough
Or not worrying when the next outburst will be
Just not pandering to his moods, how he feels what he wants to do!

But it sounds sooo materialistic
But I will loose our beautiful house, that I just love! And the garden
The nice things we have
We have so much space here and I don't even know how I would even start to go through the stuff

I guess I'm hoping he will change? If I tell him I'm leaving or if I leave for a few weeks he might understand what he has to loose?

What a mess x

And I deffo am not perfect
Like I said my health issues have been a massive drain on us both
And trying to do a house up
I can be snappy and vile as well

You will talk yourself round in circles op.
He's abusive. They don't change.
He won't change.
Don't tell him you are planning to leave. Get your plans in place and then go. You can't blackmail someone into stopping being abusive.
The house, the things you own it's just stuff and it doesn't matter. Your son deserves to grow up not being scared in his own home. That's what he will remember.

Local domestic violence phone busy all day
and shut now
But will try again tomorrow

I'm also keeping a journal on a domestic abuse app that looks like a weather app!

Just little things like being hung up on earlier because I calmly suggested something he didn't like
It's ridiculous and before I would have just felt sad and scared
Now I'm like fuuuuuuck youuuuuu

How are you this morning OP?

*@thespellhasbeenbroken123 * I have no words of wisdom as I have never been through what you and many other ladies on this forum have. But from what you have posted, you are already making headway - and what a huge leap to have recognised that your (don't know what to call him) is abusing you. Don't underestimate how big that step it.

Now you need to keep moving forwards from. Filling the car and driving further is a wonderful thing to have been able to do - s small step but a forward one!

Would it be realistic for you to aim to achieve one small thing each day, write it down and refer back to it every couple of weeks to see how far you have come?

Hi spell. A big wave and hug from someone who has separated from abusive dh (the d in this case is not for dear but dickhead).

I know what you mean about the lifestyle change. It's not going to be easy, but I can tell you I have no regrets. Me and dh were together for 10 years, married for less than 1. We had a nice life together; we rented a beautiful flat in a wonderful part of London - 15 mins from work, DD in an amazing nursery and the schools around us are some of the best in the country. We didn't need to worry about money because of DH and I had a life of walks by the river, going out for glasses of wine in the afternoon with DH, DD could do any activity she wanted without having to worry about the cost, and I didn't need to panic about shopping splurges. I now rent a studio flat from the council, my area is less than ideal and I have to be careful with my money. No more clothes shopping "because why not", no more Netflix, broadband, etc but I feel free! Honestly, it is the best feeling to wear what I want and not walk on eggshells in my own home, I may even get my ears pierced like I've always wanted. It is worth it.

The best piece of advice I got was to not worry about long term. Don't worry about the money or the house or where that fucker is going to live. Concentrate on you.

If you can leave a message with the DV team, do. Also see if your council has a one stop shop, because they are the most incredible people I have met on my journey. Report anything you can to the police. But do leave. As a victim of abuse, you are entitled to go to any council in the country and get homed, so don't think a refuge is your only way out. I am also entitled to housing benefit and UC - not a lot, but it helps keep me and my DD's head above water- even though I work FT.

And lastly, don't confuse loneliness with love. It does get lonely but speak on here, PM me, find Fb groups, go to playgroups with DC etc.

Also what I forgot to say is when you get through to the DV team, they will inform SS. Don't be afraid of them. They want to support women in abusive relationships and my SW was such a great help. Especially for fighting for me with housing and custody.

All over the place tbh!
Just so conflicted
Going to try the advice lines again today
But having doubts now

Blobby I think that's a really good idea! X

Cheesecake
Thank you so much for your post!
You are so brave for leaving
Can I ask what sort of stuff he did? Can I message you somehow?
Feeling weird today! Because when he got home last night he called me 'spasticated' for putting the sponge in the wrong place which meant water leaked
Annoying yes but to call me that?
I told him not to, I'm starting to stick up for myself more
But then after that we had an ok evening
So I'm thinking
Is it that bad? Should I just cope with it?
I just don't know anymore

I've told my sister and she's been really good, but I just feel numb
Floating through the day and barely able to interact with the kids
Such a weird place to be right now!

Ahhh I wish I had a crystal ball x

You and your children can have a peaceful & safe life-
but it will never happen while you share a home with him.

You can get help sorting the details and get out.

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Don't minimalise his behaviour. With me it started out small things, he would get angry and say things to hurt me, call me a bitch or stupid. Over really silly things. Once he wouldn't speak to me for a day because my parents overparked in a car park where the ANPR was broken so no fine. Not me, my parents! But he would be super happy and loving the other times. Then the name calling got worse and I had to do all the childcare and housework and he claimed I had PND. I didn't but I was overwhelmed with having to do everything. He made me feel unreasonable. Then I went back to work and I still had to do all the childcare and the housework, it was too much but he made me believe it was work and they were giving me too much and I had to quit. The name-calling got worse still and I had a nervous breakdown. At some point the name calling turned into physical where he hit me on 3 occasions. It all sounds horrible written down but it was over a period of nearly a year and there was weeks and months in between of super happy times so it was hard for me to ever see it as abuse. Until one day he woke up - we'd had sex the night before and everything was great. He woke up in a mood. Told me he hated me and regretted getting married and at that point, I knew that was it.

I didn't think he would ever hit me until he did. It gets worse, the more they can get away with it. Maybe not at first but once you get a fresh head you will see it, the slight changes that have escalated.

You can message me. If you click on the three dots at the bottom of my message there is an option to PM

I agree with @CheesecakeAddict don’t be afraid of SS. I had to call police because of my ex as a result the midwife referred me to SS, I was so angry with her I asked for a different midwife but in all honesty it was the best thing. The SW will support you, I informed my SW of my suspicions my ex was a covert narcissist, she has been a great help in referring me to support workers and what to do. Anything I have needed help with she has helped me, you can be honest with them. I was about everything even my mental health they won’t use this against you they will only support you. My ex tried to use my mental health against me and she saw right through it.

OP also try to talk to your GP about counselling and maybe some antidepressants, I am on sertraline which I feel help a lot. I feel like they’ve reduced my anxiety, helping me to see things more clearly.

Can you go and see your GP?
I think it would be a good idea to talk to him or her about the situation and get some help or support? Counselling, ADs or whatever it takes.

You also need to find your anger at being treated so appallingly.

You’ve had brilliant advice on here. Hang on in there and we’ll help you as much as possible. Can you leave the DV unit a message or communicate with them via email?

Well turns out woman's aid number can be seen on the phone bill (which he pays)
So he's found out
And he isn't happy

Not women's aid
But my local abuse helpline
And it cost £4 and I didn't even speak to anyone..
Only got answer phone
No wonder people stay in abusive relationships ffs
women's aid directed me to them
But I cant ring them again now
So I am genuinely fucking stuck aren't I
I'm fine but I can imagine a lot of other women wouldn't be

FUCK SAKE

As a pervious poster suggested, can you email them instead. It’s such a pity that it is so difficult to get through to such a vital service. Surely by the time someone plucks up enough courage to ring these services, to be then connected to an answering machine, must be so disheartening. I know it’s probably down to funding etc. please keep focused and continue your plan to leave this situation. Houses etc don’t matter, your MH and a peaceful life is far more important. Don’t look too far down the road as you can’t see around the bends.