When an easy decision is the hardest...

[HLJM04]

This post I know will frustrate you all, but bare with me and understand it's hard....

My parter of 7.5 years is 13 years older than me, I was 24 when we met. Like most love stories he swept me off my feet and this time it was different!

He's works hard, and has a very professional job. He has a gorgeous home and he works hard to live a very comfortable life style. I'm not by any means materialistic, but it was attractive too when we met.

He has past like we all do, 2 children from a previous relationship and we share a 4 year old DD. I adore her, she is my world.

When I had my DD life changed, and his true colours started to show. I've left on occasions and spent time at my mums. Reason being.. he's lied, cheated, taken drugs, called me names, told me to leave in temper (it's his house) and just constantly manipulated me. I'd say he's a narcissist, but who knows!

On the flip side he's a good dad and has never although I know it's not the point, been physically abuse.

I could write on here for hours about things that have happened. But I would eventually bore you all as I know you'll all be screaming at me to leave!

I've fallen out of love, but generally day to day we get in well, we always have. We mess around, we have fun and life most of the time is good.

But, I don't want this to be my future because of the past understandably. it hurts a lot to think of leaving the house I have created a home, to go back to my mums, albeit temporary and just start life again. I have a good job, but I just worry about the future.

I'm 31 and I literally panic that if I left I wouldn't meet someone new to have more children with and build the future I long for... the future I thought I had in the bag all those years ago!

My daughter is getting older, and is very wise and I will never forgive myself for exposing her to certain behaviours. So why won't my feet move?.....

For all the negative I have said, I am consumed with this feeling of fear every time I think about leaving.

Anyone out there have any advice or been in similar situations? I've never been good with change and I dread those natural feelings that will reappear.

Thanks ladies in advance.....xx

It sounds very precarious. You’re not married? He’s not offering much is he?

I don't really have any advice because only you can reach the point where you make that leap. I was with someone for 17 years and it took me literally years to get to that point.
So many times I had 'had enough' and wanted us to split, we did a few times but I always went back. And why? For the same reason as you - fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of not coping on your own. Fear of not meeting anyone else. Fear of losing material things. The list is endless.
I can't tell you how to move your feet, that will happen naturally. Just remember that you are still young. Don't waste years of your life like I did and then find yourself in your 40s when things are even harder!!

... he doesn't offer anything, no.

Doesn't want to get married or own a property together.

Lives are very separate financially. Pays halves each if we go on holiday etc. I bought a car off him... absolutely ridiculous!

Can you start making some small plans? Get your stuff in order? I think if he doesn’t want to commit to you, even though you have a child together what future do you have as a couple?

If life is 'ok' on a day to day basis you have the opportunity to start and get everything in order ready to leave.

Start saving in a private account - even if it's only a £ sometimes £5 another, much more if you can do it without him knowing. #
Can you get a job and put some of your wages on one side, or if that is not doable at the moment do some online training so that when you do feel ready to leave, you have at least food money put by.

I have a good job, and a good salary (currently only work part time) - I have savings too and a good base at my mums to use temporarily...

I guess your all wondering what's the problem? But I just have such an overwhelming fear!

What is scarier, though? Making this leap and fighting through the next few months, or inevitsbly having to do it anyway in 3, 5, 10 time and realising you could have moved on and be living a happier life by now if you'd been brave?
You can do it. It sounds like you have lots going for you: job, savings, your mum. If not now, when?

I have been in the same situation left a number of times only to go back because of fear of the unknown. I am now 3 months out and will not being going back. Its like something just switches in your head and you just realise you don't want this type of life anymore. It became more scary that i could still be living this life in 10 years time. It has taken me a while to get to this point though. I also have 2 DDs aged 4 and 5 and didnt realise how much they picked up on until we are now out and hate my self for what they must have witnessed

Are you thinking it will always be the same for him? That he won’t ask you to leave? Imagine if it’s not your decision suddenly.

What is he going to be like in 20 years? I'd leave him he sounds like a control freak to me. My husband is slightly older than me and he tries to control me and he doesn't succeed because I am my own person. He is still on the bloody sofa btw .... this could mean divorce!

I'm 31 and I literally panic that if I left I wouldn't meet someone new to have more children with and build the future I long for...
I remember feeling like this. I was 32 with a 1 year old ds and had fallen out of love with my now XH who had lied, cheated and emotionally left our marriage sometime earlier. I wanted to leave but this was my greatest fear and sadness. There was never supposed to be only one.

However, we did split and just a few months later I met a very different man who unbelievably to me took an interest in me. Long story short I am now 38 and have a further 3 DC with this wonderful man.

I can't promise that this will happen to you but I can promise that if you don't leave things will not get any better.

That's what has been crossing my mind lately... what If he said one day he didn't want to be with me? I'd kick myself even more for wasting time with someone who has 0 respect for me!

It's nice to hear stories from women who have been in similar situations and found happiness...

You are still young enough to start over again, believe me. I'm late 40s and was in a substandard relationship for nearly 10 years. I made the mistake of getting together with him too soon after my marriage ended. We (DD and I) moved in (to his house) a year after being together and for the first year it was fine. The honeymoon period and talks of future etc.

But it didn't happen. I kept my finances separate due to being shafted financially by my ex-H, but expected to eventually merge finances in the future. After a year or so he slipped into very lazy ways, getting money out of him for shared holidays was like blood from a stone. As my DD got older, he kind of lost interest in being the active step-dad. I kept thinking things would get better. It didn't. He spoke to me like shit sometimes and I started to realise that overall, he wasn't a very nice person at all.

Then coming up to two years ago we had a very serious talk about things and he wanted us to buy a house together! I aired my concerns about how I felt about our relationship and he said he would try harder. He actually did and it felt like we had turned a bit of a corner. We were in the process of getting a mortgage, but something within me kept saying a big fat NO...then I got suspicious about a new 'work friend' of his. Cue one year of emotional abuse and gaslighting towards me, denying anything. It was The Script.

In those years when I had periods of thinking I was better off leaving, I should have followed it through but like you, I felt very scared at the time, of the unknown. I was scared I would have to get a bedsit, my daughter would have to live with her dad, I would have no money...etc..(I have little family support). But last year my job changed to full-time and I got a promotion. I went to see a counsellor and talked about my fears of if we split etc. When the lid blew off the whole situation last year, and I found out he was definitely having an affair with the OW, I left and blocked him from my life. I often feel that I wasted all that time with him, but on the other hand it has taught me some harsh lessons to go forward with if/when I enter another relationship.

So, I suppose what I am trying to say is that if overall your relationship feels substandard, unequal, you are not heard, treated with respect....then please put things in place to leave. You only have one life.

Thankfully my fears of ending up in a bedsit with no daughter didn't happen as I had much support from close friends and by then I was in a better financial position. Your baby is young enough for you to leave and move on. You say you have your mum for support, so I'd take it.