Am I being selfish

[howisitgoingtoend]

Basically I have been with my partner 2 years, I seem to have a use by date of a couple of years before i end things for various reasons in previous relationships.

I am in my 30s, I have a child with a previous partner and I've really got the itch again wanting to be single

Things aren't perfect with my partner but nothing to put my finger on that's specifically wrong, we've had some money troubles recently which haven't helped and we haven't been intimate for a long time but he's kind and treats me well and has built a relationship with my DC

Basically in my heart I think I've checked out but also I think I can't keep doing this breaking up with people for no reason etc but all I've been thinking recently is I'm totally lost in this relationship, I don't really know who I am and I don't do anything for myself, I'd be better off in basically every way if I was single except that I would probably ultimately end up lonely!

I'm seriously thinking about asking him to move out for a bit, not break up but just have some space and see how we feel, but is this just selfish, am I just essentially dumping him but with a safety net there if I realise I've made the wrong choice?

I do love him but I don't really love myself or who I am at the minute :(

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Have you had much time single? I wonder if you have jumped from one relationship to another without being happy in yourself first? You're already assuming you would be lonely if you were single - why do you assume that?
It does sound like you've checked out of this relationship and it could just be that he just isn't the right one for you. Dont' beat yourself up about breaking up a relationship. Its better than dragging out something that isn't making you happy.

That sounds tough op, but you are being really honest with yourself, which is a good place to start if you want to change.
Could you approach from the other angle and try doing stuff for yourself, trying to get a bit more fulfilment and self acceptance? What have you always been interested in but never explored?And another facet on the journey is offloading any old stuff that needs to be picked over, so some counselling or therapy would help.
Good luck with it.

Yes it is selfish, it's stringing him along until you decide whether you want him or not. It seems like you're looking for excuses. If you want to dump him for whatever reason just do it.

Maybe you don't want to be single. Maybe you just don't like living with somebody?

Maybe it's more of your own space you crave.

If this merry go round of dating, dumping, being single is what you want then just do it, but sounds to me you don't actually know what you want.

In the very nicest possible way, yes a little selfish. If this is a pattern then its not very nice to introduce a string of partners to your dc only for them to go. Not fair on the partners either forming a relationship with you and your dc. Tried some counselling? It might be that you dont have any hobbies/career or excitement for yourself?

The thing is I do love him and I don't actually want to not be with him, I just feel smothered and like I just don't exist anymore, which is 100% not his fault, but my fear is if we carry on as we have been I will end up just leaving and that's not what I want

When we got together we spent all our free time together almost immediately which I realise now is where we went wrong, we both work and money is a real issue at the minute and all our free time is spent together not really doing anything, it's almost like I feel like we need to reset, like we need to actually spend less time together but it be quality time.

On top of that there's a few things I want to work on about myself like my weight and the way I view myself which I just feel I can't do at the moment, and lastly he is currently a drain on me financially and I would be able to get my own finances sorted out if he wasn't there for a while

Does that make it more clear what I am looking for, if your partner said these things to you would you understand or does it still sound like I'm being selfish

I don't want to lose him but I fear if things carry on as they are I will just resent him more and more until I end it.

Every relationship changes as the years roll by. Sounds like all you have to do is have a chat about things you’d like to start doing- for your weight and to better manage finances.
Also sounds like you want a bit of “me time” and not spend every minute together when not working. That’s totalky understandable. Most successful couples have lives that include friendships and activities/hobbies outside the house without their partner. Or even things they do separately while at home. My DH paints and spends hours in his studio while I just read a book in the garden (for example).

If you need to work on yourself then you do it when you are single. If my OH asked me to leave but he might get back to me when he had lost weight I'd be pissed off and would leave him.
How is he a drain financially?

I just feel smothered and like I just don't exist anymore,

This comes across as very contradictory, if you are feeling so confused but you love him have you thought of some counselling just for yourself, do you feel it could give you some insight about yourself?

Have you suffered any traumatic events in your life/childhood that may be contributing to your confused feelings?

Wishing you all the best

Maybe I didn't explain myself properly, I didn't mean I wanted him to move out and I might stay with him or I might break up with him I meant maybe he should move out but not break up and maybe see each other once or twice a week for a month or 2 and actually spend quality time together and have chance to miss each other and want to see each other, but also be able to get ourselves back as individuals, almost like retraining ourselves to have our own lives as well as our couple life. this at the moment feels to me like it's at least worth a try rather than just giving up.

He used to contribute to the household, he changed jobs rather abruptly recently and his frequency of pay chanced and he got into a bit of a mess financially, so for the last few months he hasn't contributed to any bills or grocery's like he was before, we very nearly broke up over this recently I did have a thread about it actually but possibly under a different name.

@onanothertrain I just re read my original post and it does sound like I mean what you said so sorry for the confusion, I do just feel very confused and disillusioned in general by all of this. I honestly used to be so happy with him and just wanted to be around him 24/7 and I think that's where the problems have started, I do tent to jump in with both feet when I like someone and obviously it's only just dawned on me in my mid 30s that it's not healthy!

Has anyone had any experience of moving apart after living together and has it worked out well in the long run?