Terrible rowing - not at all proud of myself

[Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme]

Hi all x i am feeling terrible and i think i just need another adult to hear me - DH has just left on the 6 hour drive to work (works away in week) and he is crying and i am numb after we have had a terrible terrinle row where i cokpletely lost my shit . I mean lost it like a crazy woman and smashed our one framed wedding photo and called him really horrible names. I yuink i am going mad and i yold him he has made me go crazy over the 12 years we have been together and why but he said i was imaging that he had said stuff. So for examoke, he told me today that i should just go along with everythibg he says as it is always the right way and i always get things wrong or make the wrong choices. Then whenbi sayvthat he said that he says that is not what he said that is just how i percieve it. I feel like i am goung mad. I used to hate and confrontation at all - and i feel like a trapped person . He comes home at weekends and i dread it - trying to make evrything in order for him but he comes home and moans moans immediately. I feel like i am exhausted fron trying to make out home and family how he would like .
Am sire if he was here he would say otherwise. I just feel like i went out of mynown body - smashing the ohoti and slamming doors and yellibg at him. I think i am losing my mind- i kusy have looked crazy.i am mortified- i am nit sure what i am asking and sorry for typos but hands very shaky. I actually want him gone- i want out . But now he has driven off in tears and i am in shock . What has happened to us ?

Apologies - i should have proof read that - hard work to read i am sure. But i hope it makes sense. I just want to run away. I clearly dont make him happy and he just makes me miserable/crazy/ claustrophobic/ and panicky. Can someone ralk me down from my clifftop please

You finally snapped love. Calm down and have a think about this you have bottled it up for so long and sound desperately unhappy. Sleep on it and start making a plan tomorrow.

You sound very unhappy in the marriage.
It sounds like he is completely messing with your head. Find your way out and see a counsellor to help you work through what's happened. X

So, he has driven off in tears and left you to work through your feelings... take your time.. think it through and then act.

I actually want him gone- i want out Then work towards that. Don't allow his emotions to cripply you, to keep you locked in. You don't have to take cre of him first and foremost... it is not selfish to put yourself first, do what you want to do.. especially when it is the rest of your life you are talking about.

Try making a list of the practical steps you need to take...

Try and take a deep breath. No decisions have to be made today. Tomorrow is another day, see what tomorrow brings and take it from there. You sound really shaken up. Be kind to yourself and give yourself some time.

Lots of self-doubt here, op. Do you think he may have been gaslighting you?

He sounds very very hard to be around. You can leave. His feelings are his own responsibility.

Oh my goodness - i have gone off and made a cup of tea and come back to try and calm down . I am calmer but your replies have made me cry - i genuinely expected to be flamed and told i was a complete cow . I still feel terrible- i must have looked like a mad woman . I feel sick - and overwhelmed . I have tuought about leaving before - we have had issues but has been worse over last 18 months he has been unemployed and has finally got this contract 300miles away wuich is brilliant money. I am so ashamed to admit it but i was glad of the break from the intense suffocated ness of the marriage and so glad of the money after so long being so broke . We could but the children things, treat them for the first time in ages and it feels so good . I dont have anything innmy bank account - i have no savings . I have a terrible credit rating , i dont know where to start . I feel like running away from my kids, my house, everything and starting afresh .

Deep breath. Trying to be practical and start making a list- i promise i really am not usually a weepy unhinged person. I talk too much and probably rush about too much and mess things up. If i could talk to my 29 year old self i woild say dont fall fo the love bombing - its just not worth it .

Lovebombing followed by making you doubt yourself /your memory sounds remarkably like gaslighting. Are you aware of the term OP?

Level75 - yes kind of. I am one of those women who has been swinging between contemplating/fantasising about leaving or hoping he dies so I am free. I am being brutally honest as its an anonymous forum . I am putting my own happiness above my childens ' and so i suspect my head is a bit messed up now. I have procrastinated for so long i just dont know where to start. I cannot reiterate enough that i have no money of my own and no means to get any. All my wages go into the umberella business account i have no access to . I kkow he would be an absolute nightmare to divorce and i dont think i can do it . I feel like my sanity slipping is a small price to pay for an otherwise confortabl life . Is it worth being unhappy for ? Genuine question. I would probably make my children miserable . I am a shit mum anyway tbh - behavihg like a loon . I am not in a pity party- i genuinely believe i am so disorganised and make so many mistakes they would probably be better off with somekne else .

Sorry i realise its a long pity party thread. Thank uou everyone for your replies and making me feeel less isolated xx love to you all - i am off pull up my big girl pants and make a list and get my shit together xx thank u so much for your replies xxx

I can pretty much guarantee that you are not a shit mum. If you were shit you wouldn’t care about whether you might be shit or not. Good luck with your list. Please be kind to yourself.

Thank you dressinggown

What is an umbrella business account?

If this was reversed (I.e. he behaved as she did) you’d all be telling her to LTB!! There is never an excuse for this type of behaviour. Not ever, especially with children in the house!

If you’re unhappy you need to make plans to leave.

Is this the eejit who told you to put a cardi or something on so your nipples didn't show?
If so, good on ya for doing a Banshee on him, cheeky fucker.
I was on that thread and thought how ridiculous he was.

Get your wages paid into your bank account from now on, think about what you want and do it. He will make it difficult regardless, take the bull by the horns and get your finances sorted. Then take it from there.

Morning all x yes maras thats the one 🙄 sunflowers its all very awkward re money- my plan before yesterday was to wait a couple more months now he is earning this good money and squirrel enough away under the guise of saving (mn advice) but now i feel like i am goung to go mad if i dont do it sooner we rent , we have a dog and i have a less than decent credit score due to a business goibg under a few years back and dh gambling issue , now resolved) so although i could support myself , i have no money for deposit or furniture and thrlerefore really not a good tenant on paper. So my plan was to just head down get on untul i could save a little. But after yesterday ( i realise how out of order i was ) i feel i might not be able to carry it .sorry for the waffle x