Need to end it today

[dday101]

Namechanged but am regular poster.

DH and I have been rocky at best for the last 9 months but the last 3 weeks have been unbearable- we've stopped talking, his presence in a room makes me tense and he's made it clear he has no desire to change his ways (he has deep rooted issues around communication that we've not been able to resolve through counselling).

We are due to be going to visit a family member tomorrow (his) about 2 hours from home. I can't go. I would prefer for him to still take the kids (2 and 11) but it's no big deal if he doesn't. I just can't bear to put a face on it for three whole days.

I'm utterly miserable to the point of numb.

Help.

Do you feel the need to end it today to avoid the three days away?

Can you suggest he takes the children and goes alone and you spend that time working out practicalities and getting your head around things?

I would tell him that as you haven't spoken for 3 weeks then it would be a nightmare to spend hours in the car and pretend to be ok to the relative. Give him the option of going on his own or worth the kids and like a poster said, start looking at the practicalities of splitting.

He wants to stay in the house and play happy families for a few more weeks 'as friends' before DD1 starts seniors. I can't do that but am so worried about turning her life upside down before such a big life change- she's the only one in her school going to the secondary so she doesn't have any friends there yet.

To hear him say he doesn't see me as anything more than a friend is heartbreaking to hear but the first honest thing he's said in weeks.

I can't go tomorrow. He won't go without the kids and me (I'm the babysitter- he wouldn't want the hassle of a toddler on his own and wouldn't lose faith with his grandparents by going alone) so we'll all be at home in that horrible atmosphere.

I don't know where it all went wrong. I work hard, I earn my own money (plus some), I do the lions share of the house work and childcare and still I'm not good enough.

I'm sorry to hear that. Could you go and stay with friends or family for a few days or longer to give you a break and support?

Do you think the split would be amicable? It sounds like he wants it too?

I appreciate what he is saying re secondary school but actually, if you split now with a few weeks of summer left and can keep it amicable she would have those few weeks to adjust and to have the undivided attention of you both if she needs it and you can set the tone of how you would work together as parents which might leave her more settled by the time she starts.

Otherwise what's your alternative? Wait until half term so she's had six weeks to settle in? But then its nearly christmas which is a common theme for not splitting... and so it goes on.

It's likely she has picked up on the atmosphere, is it possible she may feel some relief if she is coming home from school to a happier household?

I stayed in a shit marriage for years because I didnt want to disrupt the children's lives.

My youngest struggled for a couple of months because she was young (6) but school were great and she was fine.

They both say that they are happier since we have split and it shows. They are confident and well adjusted.

I am friends with someone whose marriage is similar to mine was. They are staying together for the sake of the children but it is damaging them. The eldest has just finished her GCSEs and is ok under her own volition. The youngest (now 13) has MH problems, behavioural issues and has been in trouble at school. The detailsheavily suggest it is caused by the unrest at home.

Her parents relationship is hostile, filled with silent passive aggression and unhappiness. They don't argue in front of the children and present a very united front - but only superficially. In reality, they ignore each other; make snide remarks; backhanded compliments and subtlety sabotage each other's happiness.

It's all nice and smiles and supportive on the surface but, in reality, you could cut the atmosphere in their house with a knife and the thinly veiled contempt they hold each other in is palpable.

It is far better to split amicably than stay in a destructive household. If you and your husband are not talking to each other, your children will know that there is something wrong.

I don't know where it all went wrong. I work hard, I earn my own money (plus some), I do the lions share of the house work and childcare and still I'm not good enough.

Sounds like he's doing you a favour. It feels shit now but I imagine your life will improve tenfold op.

It would be far better to break up before your daughter starts secondary than while she's in her first few months there. I really feel for you. Quite frankly if he sees you as a friend yet he hasn't spoken to you for three weeks, he has a very, very strange idea of what friendship is.