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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice please

26 replies

myw1 · 12/08/2019 10:32

Hello everyone. I am hoping to get some ideas here as my head is not clear at the moment. I have been seeing a guy for 3 months. We are both separated with children and a busy job, so we haven’t spent a lot time together in these 3 months. Everything was going very well and I was really happy, until last Friday evening. We were supposed to meet up on that evening but there was some issue from my side so I was hoping to discuss with him to figure out an alternative plan rather than not seeing each other at all. But he backed out and said he was very busy and very tired and suggested Saturday evening. I was disappointed but agreed on Saturday evening. Then heard nothing from him on Friday night nor Saturday morning. On Saturday morning I messaged and said good morning. He came back saying he would be busy all weekend but not mentioned evening plan. I asked and he said no he was not coming. He told me he needed to think about things and he didn’t feel he was in a great place but didn’t know what had changed. He didn’t have the urge to see me, but just asked for some time to clear his head.

I was very surprised thing turned opposite so quickly out of no reasons that I can see. If he needs times then that’s fine but there were no good night or good morning texts any more. Only a few saying he needs time when I asked what’s going on. I am a bit gutted as I thought there should be some basic appreciation of how that would have made me feel, and courtesy of odd messages. He never said he wanted to end the relationship either, just gone cold all of sudden and said there was not much to chat about until he can clear his head.

What’s going on?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 12/08/2019 10:41

He's not that into you
Assume its over and move on

Original poster
myw1 · 12/08/2019 11:07

Prior to this happening. He told me he had told his ex and his kids about us, assuming this wasn’t a lie. What really bothers me is that why he can’t tell me in a human way and explain the reasons if he doesn’t want to continue? Have I just got a bad apple or the world has changed? We are both in mid 40s

OP posts:
NoBaggyPants · 12/08/2019 11:27

You've only been together for a short term, and it's been quite casual. He's had a change of mind, there doesn't need to be a reason.

Don't over analyse things.

Original poster
myw1 · 12/08/2019 11:58

I get that, however he told me before we started the relationship that he made sure his feelings were true and for the right reasons, so at least he knows he won’t hurt me. He also said he was committed. I guess I have just put my trust in and didn’t anticipate this coming.

OP posts:
Darceysbadtoe · 12/08/2019 12:02

How could anyone know ‘before the relationship started’ about any of their feelings or what might lie ahead? Or that they are committed?

Original poster
myw1 · 12/08/2019 12:09

I meant we both agreed this wasn’t something casual to start with. We both wanted something serious and both wanted the other person in a serious way. I do know nobody can guarantee any relationship will work out but my point was everything was going well, there was no sign of any slight issues, then I got this all of sudden. I can handle ending it but can’t get my head round about what happened with my trust I put in

OP posts:
Lovemenorca · 12/08/2019 12:12

He couldn’t really have known his true feelings until the two of you were in a relationship?

3 months
Both work
Both children

It was a fling, now he’s lost interest
Move on

Lovemenorca · 12/08/2019 12:13

I just don’t understand how you can agree BEFORE a relationship that you are committed and serious about each other.

That sentiment develops as the relationship develops

Original poster
myw1 · 12/08/2019 12:29

Are there anyone here supporting my view that things can be done in a more respectable way? In stead of going cold all of sudden (last week he was also talking about going away for a holiday together at the end of Sept), he could have explained to me his thoughts truthfully? Have I got myself into a total lie and been so naive?

OP posts:
MidnightMystery · 12/08/2019 13:05

Perhaps something has caused him some stress over the weekend , however the way he's been towards you is very cold.

I'd leave it and he may message you and if he doesn't then you know he isn't the one for you and he's not interested in having a relationship with you.

mordecaithomas · 12/08/2019 13:12

He was out of order the just suddenly change on you like that.

I'd distance myself and if he wants to continue then it'll have to be him making the effort.

I always find that for men, when the chasing is over they get bored. 😩

loveyoutothemoon · 12/08/2019 13:12

Give him the space, there could be a number of reasons that he doesn't want to express at the moment. Thing is, he said all those things to you, but if he can suddenly go cold, it might mean that he doesn't really know now. Leave him to it. If he does want to be with you, he'll talk to you about it. Frustrating as it is, you can't do anything other than contact him for a few days.

cheesecadet · 12/08/2019 13:13

Not contact*

newmomof1 · 12/08/2019 13:17

If this were the other way round everyone would be telling you he's not interested if you don't see each other often and are cancelling plans.

Maybe he thought you weren't as into it as him and that he was second best choice for Friday which is why he's gone cold?

Alternatively he could already have been having second thoughts and he realised he was relieved rather than disappointed that he wasn't going to see you.

Skittlenommer · 12/08/2019 13:38

Make like Casper and ghost him!

Lovemenorca · 12/08/2019 13:46

I have just re read your Op

He has been utterly transparent with you. He’s not in a good place and no longer sure about the relationship and asked for time.

That was 48 hours ago.

You may not like the words but I think he has approached it fairly reasonably.

Original poster
myw1 · 12/08/2019 13:57

I get what you said lovemenorca. He was always a very thoughtful person. Over the weekends I texted him about my agony as I didn’t know what happened. I had no reassurance from him. I left him alone but sent good morning hope you have a good day to show my care, no response or thanks from him. To me that’s rude and way out of order but I am keeping my patience for now.

OP posts:
Lovemenorca · 12/08/2019 18:10

He asks for time
You completely ignore him! Instead...
You text over the weekend about your “agony”
And text him good morning

Listen to him. He wants space. He’s explicitly asked for it.

Lovemenorca · 12/08/2019 18:12

And as for keeping your patience...

I suspect He has already checked out. If he hasn’t though and you lose your patience - it will be

MrMagooooo · 13/08/2019 00:03

It's rude

People do all kinds of crap

He's just not that into you

Look for actions not words

It may not be the last time this happens to you.

No point trying to understand half the things people do.

thejudgesaidhewasatitandIagree · 13/08/2019 02:58

Likely there is someone else.

Original poster
myw1 · 13/08/2019 10:18

Update - had a call from him last night. He said he still hadn’t completed cleared his head but I deserved a call. He doesn’t feel he can carry on any more. He has too much going on in his life (work, kids, activities) which doesn’t allow him to have a full relationship and it’s not fair on me. I do have more free time than he does. Secondly the reaction from his boy when he told him about us from last week was out of his expectation. He didn’t take it on very well. I don’t know the details. Based on these two reasons he said I deserved something better. He apologised that he’d said things to me before which was all true at the time, but he is very sorry that he hurt me.

Does it sound the same old story being repeated again? I despair. What’s the point of even trying to find a nice guy. Do they exist? Shouldn’t they know to understand what they want at the point of their lives before messing up others??

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 13/08/2019 13:08

Oh I'm sorry, it sounds like the thrill of the chase has gone and can now see things realistically rather than looking at it while being in lust.

You won't feel like it at the moment but someone will be out there for you. Give yourself time to get over him and then get looking. Do you see an opportunity of meeting someone within any hobbies that you have?

Parent999 · 13/08/2019 13:28

I read this and knew exactly what happened before your second post confirming. Im ashamed to say I did exactly the same thing after my divorce. I was moving along nicely [or so I thought] I didnt consider a relationship but a nice girl came along. We got on and things grew. As per the agreement with ex I decided to tell her sooner than later so she didnt find out for herself. Seconds after I sent the text I had a complete and utter panic/meltdown. A lot because of the ex's abuse but mostly because all of a sudden it was real. I mean I was really really really divorced, I was no longer a husband and family man. I went into with the best of intentions but it hit me like a truck. I tried to explain to the woman I was seeing but she didnt understand and didnt speak to me again. I do feel guilty, I should have known but looking back I realise I was in such a dark place. Doesnt excuse it but if this is the situation then I assure you, its got absolutely nothing to do with you. He may well have thought he was ready but clearly wasnt.

Of course this is only my opinion, just a stab at it.

I would just tell him you understand and hope he keeps in touch.

onanothertrain · 13/08/2019 15:28

Sounds like he is putting his son first, as he should be. He asked for space and you continued to text him about your agony Confused
I do sympathise though, something similar happened to me a few years ago. You'll be fine, it's not all men. Maybe be a bit less full on next time?!