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Relationships

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Original poster

Should I confront my friend about the married man she's seeing

22 replies

BG2015 · 12/08/2019 07:53

Known my friend since we were teenagers, now in our early 50's. Both divorced and have had a fair few relationships between us over the years.

She started seeing a guy about 2/3 months ago who had literally just split from his wife (married for a long time and relationship had come to an end ages before they had met as these things sometimes do after 25+ years)

They were keeping things quiet until the time was right before acknowledging that they were in a relationship.

I've hardly heard anything from her at all, no texts or phone calls. Which I thought was unusual but not unexpected.

Last week I met up with another friend whose Mum knows my friend. She told me that the guy in question is still with his wife. I'm really shocked that my friend is still seeing him as she has been on the other side of this when her exH had an affair.

We are meeting up tonight with some other friends and when I text her yesterday to arrange timings I asked her if she was still seeing him and she said yes. I didn't say anything about what I know.

I know that she's really fallen for this guy but I don't want her to get hurt. I know I'm going to have to say something to her. I think she's embarrassed that he hasn't left his wife after all.

OP posts:

Alanis41 · 12/08/2019 12:00

I'd mention it once but ask her if she is prepared to spend wasted years with him. But I wouldn't go on and on. I know someone who has been seeing a married man for 10 years now and she is ok with it. You can't really tell her otherwise despite everyone thinking she is a fool!

TellItLikeItReallyIs · 12/08/2019 12:08

I know I'm going to have to say something to her

What for? To warn her? To give her a piece of your moral mind?

She's an adult. She's perfectly able to make a choice about whether to continue to see a married man and to assess herself whether he is a liar and a cheat or someone really in the process of separating and to form her own view of the risks of being hurt.

Intense lust and good sex are powerful drivers that cause people every day to do idiotic things.

Do you really think that you "saying something" to her is going to cause an adult to alter whatever course they have set upon for whatever reason? No it won't.

If you feel you have to say something for your own conscience, then do it only once and then either forget about it and support your friend if you feel able to when the wheels fall off or distance yourself from the friendship if its that much of a problem for you.

You can't live other people's lives for them and where sex is involved, there is no chance of changing someone's mind.

MMmomDD · 12/08/2019 12:12

You are both adults and she knows what she is doing.
And - in addition - you have no idea what the situation is. Maybe all involved are OK with the situation as is.

Alanis41 · 12/08/2019 12:33

@TellItLikeItReallyIs agree completely. I've told friends they are being foolish for going back to cheating partners, or playing with fire when flirting with married exes and they still carried on. Wasted my breath. I don't think anyone has ever said 'oh Alanis is advised me not to so I didnt'

Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 12/08/2019 13:29

Of course you should say something, what she's doing is shitty.

I dropped a very good friend like a hot turd when I found out she was shagging her neighbour and cheating on her husband.

Original poster

BG2015 · 12/08/2019 14:26

I don't mean say something to tell her off and criticise her choices but I mean acknowledge that I know that she's no doubt been duped (she was adamant that he'd left his wife the last time I saw her)

She may not even admit to me that he's still with his wife, she may deny it. I have yet to find out what's actually gone on.

OP posts:

MonChatEstMagnifique · 12/08/2019 14:37

I had a friend who told me she had been having an affair for years. It changed our relationship and I see very little of her now. She wasn't the person I thought she was. I told her I was shocked, she knew my views on affairs.

She might be embarrassed he hasn't left his wife, but more likely she doesn't care as she's continued the relationship. It's her problem if she gets hurt, she knows what she is doing is wrong.

onanothertrain · 12/08/2019 18:21

Maybe she doesn't know he's still with his wife

P1218120699 · 13/08/2019 10:13

If she hasn't got enough moral compass/respect for herself to stop seeing him, let her carry on. It'll all end in tears when his wife finds out and he dumps her.

TubbyMonkeh · 13/08/2019 10:18

Mind your own business.

She's an adult. She understands the implications of what she is doing, she's choosing to do it any way.
You aren't her moral councillor. Leave her to it.

Original poster

BG2015 · 13/08/2019 11:25

I'm not going to mind my own business, she's my friend and we've known each other a long time. I'm there for her whatever happens.

Met up with her last night and she told me...

He left his wife in March
He doesn't want the relationship to go public yet as he's quite wealthy and wants to work out the financial side of things with his wife. She could take him for a lot of his money
My friend has only been to his house a couple of times as he lives close to his daughter - she's only been there when his daughter is away.
They can't go out locally, or on holiday but have been away for a few weekends.
He comes mainly to her house. I'm not sure how often or if he stays over.
She is totally and utterly in love with him and wants to spend the rest of her life with him.

I'm very dubious about the whole thing. I just don't know what to think.

OP posts:

TubbyMonkeh · 13/08/2019 11:27

Well if she brings it up and wants to talk about it fair enough. If she doesn't then she obviously doesn't want your advice.

RockinHippy · 13/08/2019 12:51

Personally if she were my friend & knowingly in a relationship with a married or attached man, I have not & would not be holding back & I'd be tearing her a new arsehole. She needs to know in no uncertain terms how nasty her behaviour is. I could not be friends with someone who thinks this behaviour is okay as I would've them very differently

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 13/08/2019 12:53

She’s an adult, she knows what she’s doing she just doesn’t have any morals so doesn’t care

Say what you like, she’s a shit but she won’t stop...

womblessofwimbledon · 13/08/2019 13:05

I'd ask her if she knows and if the answer is yes I'd drop her like a stone.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 13/08/2019 13:17

Your friend sounds like she's happy to be a rich man's secret shag while he separates from his wife. (If he's really separated) She's in cloud cuckoo land if she thinks she's going to end up living happily ever after with him. If he actually split up in March, there would be little or no reason to keep her secret now, some 5 months later. He's stringing her along, the sooner she realises the better. The 'totally end utterly in love' business sounds a bit pathetic under the circumstances.

Original poster

BG2015 · 13/08/2019 13:19

But she believes all of the above! She believes what he's told her.

She says there is no way she would be with him if he was still with his wife. I just don't understand why he's got to keep it quiet. It doesn't say much about what he thinks of her. He's actually only thinking of himself and his money.

OP posts:

Everafter1 · 13/08/2019 13:22

She sounds naive.

I distanced myself from a friend who was seeing a married man. Lost respect for numerous reasons.

Nothingcomesforfree · 13/08/2019 14:05

It’s only worth telling people about spouses/affairs if the other person doesn’t know the situation....denial is different.
In your friends case she understands what going on and is making her own choices. It would be more in the wife’s interest to know really ( not suggesting you or anyone else tell her).

ConfCall · 13/08/2019 14:20

When my ex husband and I separated over New Year (amicably) many years ago, we didn’t let many people know. Word just spread. Some of the “school mums” still didn’t know that summer - a couple asked where he was when I saw them at the school fete and were genuinely surprised when I replied. So it’s possible that your mutual friend really doesn’t know whether they’re separated or not.

Of course, it’s more likely that he’s a lying scumbag and your mate is his short term exit shag. But there’s nothing you can do about it.

Nickki78 · 13/08/2019 14:28

Are you not from the UK? Cause adultery doesn’t effect the divorce settlement in the UK

MMmomDD · 13/08/2019 14:30

OK - none of what you said, if true, is any surprising and/or worrying.
If - they are in the early stages of divorce and in financial settlement stage - of course (!) - rubbing exW and kids’ faces with parading new GF makes sense.
Taking it slowly with announcements makes sense.

The bit that doesn’t ring true is the financial impact of him having a gf. Even if she were the OW - what his W is entitled to get isn’t impacted. Not on the legal side.
Similar with if he traveled with him discretely.
So it is possible he isn’t as broken up as he says.
I guess, one way to tell is how easily contactable he is when not with her - can she call anytime, does he respond to messages in the evening freely, etc.

But again - it’s not your story - it’s your friend’s. You said you’ll support her no matter what. So - do that.

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