Silent treatment from parent

[Griefmonster]

Recent close family bereavement. My parent seems to have cut me off since funeral(6 weeks ago).

I tried to make contact to talk about what issue may be (no warning of why they were cutting contact). Bitt have had no response. I sent a message to check they were ok. They responded to that with one word answer. Yes they were fine.

Has anyone had this happen and it turned out to be a grief response and the relationship has survived? I am concerned that it is an emotionally controlling/manipulative response and this is an abrupt end to an already tricky relationship Although it could be both grief and control?

I don't know how to process the grief and the abandonment. Parent has form for being self-absorbed/conditional and I have managed contact with them carefully to protect myself and my children. Relationship is superficially fine - pleasant, polite - but I don't go too deep or depend on them for anything. It's like visiting a great aunt or uncle rather than a parent. But this cut off is so confusing and dominating my thoughts. It feels sometimes like a relief but also so sad that we can't make things better - I always imagined I'd have the courage to have an open honest discussion about what has gone wrong and I would be heard.

Are you worried about them? Have they got other people they are close to?

Very manipulative. If they have issues about something the normal behaviour would be to have it out (in a reasonable way) next time they see you. This is being as provocative and nasty.
Counselling would help you get your head round it and accept it (as that is all you can do as it is their call) if you can afford that.
I doubt it will last for ever so move on with your life and let them be.

If this is something you would expect from them (giving you the silent treatment) then enjoy it. Spend the silence getting counselling and focusing on you and your family.

Have a read of the stately homes thread. See if anything there rings a bell.

If this is so out of character, then talk to someone else who is close and ask them to check on them.

Thank you for replies.

Yes they have other people to support them. I have been worried about them. I had thought about contacting their brother (my uncle) to check if he has been in contact but I worried about that being perceived as me meddling somehow.

It was a shock but not a surprise when I realised what was happening - if that makes sense? I never thought it would come to this but it is making me see things differently (things I have found difficult about our relationship now seem more deliberate).

I like the idea of enjoying the silence. I am desperate for counselling but don't know how to find one that would understand such a strange situation. I would expect to be talking about the bereavement but I can't seem to get there because this situation is preying on my mind so much.

With counselling, you need to find one you are happy with. So you may see a few before finding one you are comfortable with.

As a starting note, find out what their experience is with toxic families/parents and what their opinion is of no contact. (They should be fine with it)

I am not saying that your situation is one of toxic parents and that no contact needs consideration. But there are hints there from what you said, and having an impartial someone who is experienced with the dynamic will help you work out what’s going on.

Also try the ‘But I Took You to Stately Homes’ Thread.

I don’t see how it can harm asking your uncle if they are ok explaining that you haven’t heard from them.

If the have devised to go NC with you then you need to respect that or is there history of this & you are painted out to be the ‘bad’ child for letting their parent rot?

*decided

Get yourself over to the Stately Homes thread. I can promise you someone there will have gone through the same or similar.
I’m sorry for your loss, look after yourself. The person is not behaving well towards you.

. I am desperate for counselling but don't know how to find one that would understand such a strange situation

I can reassure you that this isn't a strange situation for any counsellor - it happens more than you'd ever imagine. If you want to talk about it, find a counsellor and have a chat - they won't be shocked at all.

Thank you again. I have looked at the stately homes thread (a bit! It's very long!) But I'm not sure my parent is that bad... It's so much more subtle. I'll maybe dip my toe in... And find a counsellor. I am so sad this is common.
@quirky - being hesitant in contacting my uncle is part of me trying to respect my parent's decision. My impression is they are functioning (obviously grieving but eating etc and was visiting people last week) and I know they have support so maybe contacting my uncle is pointless.

It's not so much that I was the 'bad' child but I am the difficult one in their eyes I think. I have strong relationships with other family members and have close loving relationships outside the family. But it has taken me until fairly recently to realise that my interactions with them leave me anxious and unsure of myself.

It makes me wonder if they are "testing" me - how much will I fight for their attention? I do suspect they will paint it as - monster hasn't bothered with me since the funeral. I've had one text and no visits etc.

Anyway I am going to try to sit in the silence for a bit and find a counsellor . Thanks again all

Don’t be put off by the idea that your parents weren’t as bad as some of the stories you read.

It’s the relationship dynamic that you need to think about. Read up on being the scapegoat as that sounds in keeping with by a difficult child.

But other dynamics like narcissism, enablers, flying monkeys, golden child etc.

The links in the first few posts will give you a place to start. Some of it may fit, while some of it won’t.

But just because you weren’t physically abused, does not mean that your treatment was right and that there is not a knock on effect for you.

Counselling will help there.

Stately Homes is very intimidatingly long, I agree!

You can skip to the end and post about what’s happening right now for you, no need to read the whole thing.

The website outofthefog.website is also helpful, talks about the fear, obligation and guilt of people caught in difficult family situations.

Thank you so much. Really thank you. So much to think about.

This is a standard problem for a counsellor (sadly)
What I think you should be aiming for is low contact with them and strengthen your self esteem and understanding of their weirdness so that you can interact with them and walk away after feeling strong and confident
Good luck you are gonna need it, sorry you have crap parents xx

It sounds as though you are reacting exactly how they want you to react. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of knowing you are worried about it. You could contact your uncle and say "Family Member is giving me the quiet treatment again. Let me know if there's anything that needs doing."