He's booked a holiday - in denial

[Bluemascara4]

Hi,

I've posted before re wanting to divorce my husband for emotional abuse / co erosive control.
Unsure of how to tell 8 yr old DS....

Husband went through my paperwork and found divorce petition and reasons . He went mental and defended it all. I asked if we could go for a coffee somewhere neutral ( son was at school) to talk . We arrive at coffee shop, he puts a timer on his phone for five minutes and said I could have five minutes 'emotional chat' WTF??

Obviously, five minutes isn't long enough and after the alarm went off , that was it, he made excuses about needing to pop into work .

He then asked me that evening to book a holiday in front of DS saying how much DS would like a holiday 'as a little family' . I stalled and stalled so he booked it. DS keeps talking about how much he's looking forward to it ( husband paid on his credit card).

He's playing the usual Disney dad while I do all the usual house stuff / child stuff. This is normal for him.

DS's behaviour has suddenly gone off the rails. Very angry towards his dad then I just want daddy the next minute. Gets upset if I don't do exactly what he wants which is very out of character . Husband calls me several times a day if I'm out with DS. Also tells me he loves me then snide comments the next. Forces me to hug him as 'the feelings will come back'

I've sought legal advice and started divorce . I've nowhere to go until this is sorted .

I need to tell DS but can't stop the tears flowing when I imagine the conversation. Husband claims I'm depressed ( I'm not just unhappy with him ) but I'm fine when he's not here so I'm aware I'm stressed and on edge in his presence or if for example DS swears at him..... husband will buy him a gift after mildly telling him off . This stressed me more.

Sorry that was so long .... I think I posted in separation/ divorce but now can't change the topic !

Thank you in advance x

Bloody hell, sounds like hell.
I don’t really have any advice. What did legal say?
Is there no way to get him out legally?

He owns the house.

Legally I can't get him out and he refused to talk to me about it.

Just mentioned he'd emptied the dishwasher ..... that will help then !

So you will never be able to stay in the home?
If you’re married is it not a joint asset?
What is your plan for the future?
Obviously you can’t continue this way

The papers have been sent off for divorce now.

He'll blame me as I know DS will be devastated

Husband calls me over sensitive and I'm lucky to be where I am

Dont tell ds until you have something to tell him. At the moment, it will be torturous drip feeding. When you know you/your h is leaving, then is the time to do the "so, on Wednesday..." conversation. Say nothing until you have something to say.

@Mac47 I think it will be a long drawn out process ( back log of divorces according to solicitor in my area ).

He won't leave , it's his house . I've nowhere to go.

Your husband has certainly said something to your son. That is why his behaviour has degenerated. He believes that his father is being got rid of - and your ex has already started the blaming.

This, the timer, forced hugging etc and the holiday are not denial but all efforts to make you the bad one. Expect your soon to be ex to go totally overboard to paint himself as the one who held the family together.

Write down your son’s behaviour and reassure him. You will need a diary of what is happening as your ex is clearly going to be very difficult.

@LexMitior - thank you . My son has Ali most changed overnight. Very clingy with me . Won't sleep without me, needs me to go upstairs to toilet with him . A big change from a cheerful, happy eight year old .

DS always has to have something touching me if I'm sat down ( rare!) like hand in my arm etc .

In saying that, as most kids he likes to play one parent off against the other so hasn't said anything.

Your son may believe that he can be got rid of too. Your ex probably has said something that suggests that. Not overtly, but children do struggle to understand that the love we have for them is different from romantic love which can die off.

I would keep steady. I wouldn’t turn a hair, I would joke and josh about and show your son you are the same. Your ex is playing games. Ignore. You have to be better parent.

Showing is better than telling

OP kids can sense when things aren’t right at home and their behaviour can change accordingly. Try to reassure him and be consistent - do not tolerate bad behaviour but do what you can to help him feel secure.

I don’t think your husband’s behaviour is helping matters at all as it’s obviously sending out mixed messages. When is the holiday? Is there a way you can do things separately with your son? I wonder if you should go away together at all tbh.

Perhaps tell your husband (don’t ask - tell him) that you feel your son needs to know what is going on. Suggest you tell him together - or you will do it alone.

From now on, as you are seeing already with the 5 min. Appt. granted it is all about control. So...don’t believe anything your husband tells you about what will happen. You say it is his house? How long have you been married? If a long marriage (over 10 years) then the starting point for division of all assets is 50/50. This is then adjusted depending on who earns more and reasonable needs on both sides. Any children of the marriage come first in needing to be housed, and if you are the primary carer you will not simply be out on the streets.

Most important thing to know - there will be an end to all this at some point, and things will get better.

Stay strong your husband is emotionally abusing you and your DS. Don't fall for any of his rubbish. Disengage he is trying to wear you down. Keep strong xx

@over50andfab married for ten years .

I do everything I can to avoid him and I think DS senses that . I'm a different person when husband is around bus DS won't do anything with just him . He always wants me too .

It seems like your child is picking up on something going on. It’s
Not healthy to keep Him in this situation.
I would seriously consider calling women’s aid to see if they can help to house you.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling your child that you’re separating, but reassure him that you’re all still together in the same house as you need to figure out who is going to live where.

What is the atmosphere going to be like once the divorce papers are served to him?

Don’t go on the holiday. Don’t do it, tell your son that you are getting divorced and maybe take him away just you two for a few days somewhere local! (If this is possible)

This is not going to be easy and it will get a lot worse before it gets better but it will be worth it in the end. Your son needs to see a professional because your H will fuck him up to get to you.

Do not go on holiday with this man!