Still desperate for a girl after all this time?

[Mynabird]

Hi, I’ve not posted for Several years but something happened a couple of days ago that completely threw me. DH and I have two gorgeous boys aged almost 7 and 8. My husband and I had intended to have 3 children, he has a daughter from previous marriage, now 18. When our youngest son was less than a year, my husband decided he didn’t want another child. I was really upset at the time as I have longed for a daughter all my life, partly because I’ve always had a very poor relationship with my mother. Anyway, things moved on and I thought I had come to terms with not having a daughter but a couple of days ago some friends that struggled to have children have just had their second, which is a girl. I was truly overjoyed for them and then a few days later they decided on their daughter’s name. I couldn’t believe it as it was the name I had chosen for my possible daughter, years before I even met my husband and although I’m pretty sure I never told my friends it, I felt my world fall apart. It is an unusual name so I couldn’t believe it. I am shocked by how upset I feel as I really thought I’d moved on and I have been foul to my husband as all those feelings of betrayal when he told me we were not having more children have re-surfaced. I felt as though he was dictating to me, there was no real discussion between us, he had decided and that was that. He has tried to be supportive as when I told him the name my friends had chosen, he realised I would be upset but I cannot accept his sympathy as I feel that he took away my last chance to have the thing I wanted most in the world- I have told him as much. It doesn’t help that he has stated that he feels that our boys are not enough for me. I love my sons. I wouldn’t change them for the world. I gave up my career to look after them full time and had I had a third boy, I would have accepted that and feel I could have moved on more easily but I felt betrayed that he had just decided and there was nothing I could do about it. The truth is, I may have decided after a few years that I did not want any more children anyway, but I suppose it’s Not being allowed a say in it that I’ve always struggled to cope with. I am now 45 and Not even sure how I’d feel about having another child now, even if he was willing. We get on fine mostly although have grown apart in the past few years due to lots of reasons and our sex life is pretty non-existent partly due to the whole issue of having another child although he has not had a vastectomy as he had intended a few years ago. I feel really confused about it all and worried that I won’t be able to move on. Does anyone have any advice please?

Hey Mynabird, I'm so sorry you're in this position. I don't have any advice. I'm replying because I might be writing a thread like yours in a few years' time. DH is adamant he is happy with two. Previously he was undecided re; maybe three, but we now have two lovely DS and I look at DS2 who is an adorable baby and I just about want to cry as I can't believe it's the last time I'll be cuddling a baby. I'm still hormonal post birth, but I'm starting to resent DH's stance already. I just feel incomplete. Argh, so frustrating. I do the household mental load as well as all the baby related stuff and he gets to decide if this is it!

Sorry, I just wanted to commiserate. I've yet to talk to DH. I feel a bit unstable, so not ready to bring it up now. But I'll have to at some point soon.

Do you think if your DH were to turn around now and apologise + offer to try for another, would you actually want to (bearing in mind your reservations re: age - although I'm assuming you're not yet at menopause)? And did he ever say why he wanted to stop at 2 - money? Time? Future ability to support? - do you think there might be a reason that you would find you could live with?

Don't ever think you won't always have a fabulous relationship with your ds's!
You will I promise!.

Thanks Aryasta and summerunderway. I suppose it’s just hard on a lot of levels. My boys are just getting into things that I’m really not into like football-I have made the effort and go to their fave team matches, take them to practice etc... i just feel a bit out of the loop. The wanting a girl thing has always been with me and I suppose I’m a bit resentful that he would prob have gone for another if he didn’t already have a girl-there were lots of issues with his ex and daughter in previous years and my relationship with step daughter isn’t great as a result-I suppose I feel that may have been different if I’d had my own too, dunno. I guess I’ve always felt like he has more control in the relationship than I do and I resent it. Decision was more about just lifestyle - finances not really an issue-more convenience of having 4 kids rather than 3 although his daughter is an adult now and doesn’t live close enough to have frequent contact

And Aryasta, hormones don’t help. I have two really close together so was a bit of a mess when he said no to a third and not really in a place to challenge it as I didn’t want another imminently but knew I couldn’t wait too long because of age. I’m not menopausal but think I am perimenopausal as had missed periods etc... which is unusual for me, over the last couple of years. Maybe it’s just fear that time is running/has run out.

If you have a third and it's a boy, would you be content? If you had 3 boys (or twins!) could you accept that and be truly happy? Because unless you want a third baby for the right (non sex related reasons) is it worth another 16 years of football and longing?

The likelihood is that you would have had a 3rd boy anyway. Your children are far more than their sex. Love them for who they are, don't waste your life and their childhoods wishing for something else.

You’re romanticising the idea of having a girl. And yes, my DD enjoyed the ‘girlie’ princessey things when she was little, but now as a teen she plays sport (football, running, swimming) pretty much constantly and is no different to my DS in her interests. We will not be going on joint manicure and spa days any time soon!

You talk about having a girl rather than another baby. What if you had another boy? Twin boys?

My DD is now estranged from me, haven't seen her for nearly 6 months. Only hear from her when she wants money. Not every mum and DD has a happy ending.

I know someone in your position who has triplet boys, conceived naturally at 44.

Would you be okay with another boy?

Thanks for all your replies. It’s not about princesses etc... I’m not into that stuff either. I suppose it’s more about having a positive female relationship - something that I’ve not really had in my life. My sons are individuals and I love each of them for what they are. They youngest is not as boyish and into art etc... more like me, in fact neither of them are typical boisterous boy-types. Yes I would have accepted it if it I had another boy and I would have loved him as I love the other two, they are my life. I think there’s a miscomprehension that it’s about being unhappy with what you have, I’m not. It’s about letting go of a lifelong dream and healing deep wounds through being a different parent from the ones I have, not about any expectations of the daughter I would have had, I know I can’t choose what kind of person she would be. I also know I can be this different parent to my sons and like I said, I thought I had moved on from these feelings. It’s not as though having a third now is even a real possibility, or even something I really want at this stage. the original post was more about the shock of something setting of those old feelings of loss and betrayal from my husband in making the decision for me.

I know how hard it is op. I always imagined having 2 children a girl and a boy. I had 2 boys 2 years apart.. waited a good while before deciding with DH to have another longing for a girl but I had another ds. He's lovely, my bil had twin girls my mil text me to tell me they were having girls and I broke down and cried in the bathroom. Like you one of them is named what ds 3 would have been called. DH has had the snip now so that's definitely it for us.

I have two dds and I only ever wanted girls. So I sympathise - I do understand the wanting.

You have a choice to make - go for a third or grieve your loss of opportunity. If it were me I would have a third, I think, as I firmly believe I'm going after what you want in life.

Have you thought of doing something like being a Rainbow or Brownie leader? I know it wouldn't be "your" child, but it would give you a chance to be a good female role model to girls.

I really don't mean this post to be mean so I hope you don't take it that way but just for a bit of perspective...

There are some people on this forum (and I thought for a few years that it would be me too) who can't ever have children or who have fertility issues and would give anything to have the two precious children you have. Them reading what you have said would be very painful. Those are the ones who have had the decision taken out of their hands, and medically.

I know you have said you are happy with the two you have it's just about this dream of a girl and I do get that. But please be grateful for the wonderful gift of the two you already have.

I would say have the third child. I was in a similar situation and didn’t. Now it’s far too late and I feel my family is too small I would have loved a bigger family. I do know how it feels when friends have another baby and it hits you hard.

I had fertility issues and I was still desperate for a girl.

I have very similar circumstances to you OP. Two boys a year apart born in my mid 30s. Before DC we'd agreed between 2 and 4. It took a few years to get pregnant initially so we were a bit later starting than we thought. DH is 5 years older than me. Whilst it was still mid chaos, DH said he didn't want another and I agreed to a vasectomy which he had just after DS2 turned 1. A few years later I regretted it. I got a little obsessed with it when I was in my mid 40s but in retrospect, I was hormonal and menopausal. Now through the menopause and my baby is 18.

I'm glad now that we didn't have a 3rd. Obviously if I'd had one I would have loved them just the same as my other two, but I don't love the child I didn't have and I don't miss them either.

Despite everything, I think when a couple disagree about whether to have another, I think the person who doesn't always trumps the one who does unfortunately. Bringing an unwanted child into the world is not a good start for them.

I know you say you aren’t romanticising this but you talk about a positive female relationship. Ask yourself, if the third child had no chance of being a girl and would definitely be a boy (gender selected embryo, no room for negotiation) - would you still want a third?

I think you can still demonstrate positive female roles to your sons. I hope my two realise that women are strong, capable and their equal in every way shape and form.

No real advice...But just here to say I understand your reasons for wanting a daughter...And it's never what people assume (pink,princess, gender stereotypes) I too had a negative relationship with my mum & struggled with making freinds at school ect I've always felt a little empty because of that...I wanted a daughter to kind of heal my inner child that was lost and lonely.And give her all I never had.And also give her the mother I always wanted.It was a personal connection I felt I would only have with a girl...I now have 3 boys!...And omg i love them to death.I give them all i never had as a child.The love the cuddles the support the closeness...and am good mother for them!...But I wont lie I still longed for my girl...They are older now.My 2 eldest are all for their dad.He gives them something I cant (Although I've tried) I've tried to play football & hold the pads up while they box...And bless them THEY humour me.But I can tell they are like God mum go away.And any chance they get they rather go to their dads than be with me...We still have an amazing relationship.Im there for a hug if they want/need.We have family holidays and do plenty of activities together we all enjoy...But at their age now...I did always feel I could be of better use to a girl...Even if it's not for the stereotypical balet make up & boys ect...As I know full well girls do like sports and may be in a same sex relationship who knows?...After my third son...I started to accept that...And I'm being the mum I never had now regardless to a boy or girl...My boys need me still...My influence will always be there...as will my love and support...So when i decided to have a last baby...i really was excited to have a boy/girl just another child...I let go of the need to have a girl to heal my inner pain...And realised only I can do that...I am now in fact 7 months pregnant with my daughter!Over the moon?YES!!Shocked...YES!!...But no longer do I feel that she will "Complete me" It was a long road of longing & wanting & being jealous of people with daughters.Feeling less because I had no mum...No solid female relationships...It made me feel less of a woman...And I think people dont understand that.And wanting a son/daughter can really run so deep...But like others say...You dont seem upset that he took away the chance of a "child" it's the daughter you want...So that in itself maybe a reason to accept it wouldnt of been best to have tried for another?...Not that you wouldnt be happy with a son..Because I beleive you would love them just the same...as did I...each boy I had I hoped for a girl...Each damn time!!...But as soon as it sunk in.I loved them just the same...Just maybe try and take some peace from knowing that...Dont beat yourself up either...

Have some sympathy that you wanted three DC, and the chance to have a daughter (although DS3 would have been more likely).

But you were not at all “betrayed” and are U to be angry with your H. You chose to have DC with a man who was already a father. His needs, responsibilities and wishes were/are as important as yours. You have two healthy DC.

You let the matter drop - that was a choice. Had the opportunity to try to have a third DC been your top priority, you had the option to pursue this with your H and/or end your relationship and take your chances seeking a new one.

You are U to want to have a daughter to fill an emptiness and need for the lost female bond/relationship you felt you didn't have with your mother. Children are not there to mend you and fulfill your needs. And just because you might have had a daughter if you'd tried again it really doesn't mean you'd have had that strong female bond with her. I think perhaps you might benefit from some therapy, just to talk and let things go. You can't keep holding onto these feelings and making your present and future unhappy and feel lacking.

Very interesting thread.

I had one of each -even thought always wanted 2 girls.

Both all grown up lovely.

The girl barely see her.
The lad and me speak most days.

Go figure lol.

It sounds like having a girl appears to have been your solution to a lot of issues that run deep within you. I doubt very much having a daughter would have been the ‘cure all’ that you wanted and the unresolved issues of your past would still effect you.

It’s time you deal properly with your issues the ‘fix’ isn’t having a girl, it’s coming to terms with your past.

You sound lost and it’s understandable that you’re been triggered but this can be an opportunity if you are open to the challenge of healing.