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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Single again at 33

16 replies

aviddreamer · 11/08/2019 20:42

Hi all, I've recently (3 weeks ago) split up with my partner of two years, and finding it hard to have any positive feelings about my future right now. I haven't managed to ever make a relationship work beyond a few years, and the relationships I have had, have always been fraught.

I am the only person in my friendship group that is single and am desperately sad that it seems I will not have children after all, which is something I was hoping would happen for me next year.

My friends are all happily in long term relationships and a lot have kids or are pregnant. It feels like a huge 'Game Over' for me in terms of my life and I am really struggling with feelings of failure and shame - to the point I can't imagine socialising with people apart from my very best friends, and I cannot imagine people at work finding out I am single as it would be so humiliating.

I know to some extent my feelings are quite extreme on this, and I am personally shocked with the levels of shame I feel. I was hoping someone on here was in the same boat, or had some positive stories.
x

OP posts:

Springfern · 11/08/2019 20:58

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It sounds like such a loss in so many ways. I don't have any advice but it might help for you to know that I often feel the same shame and failure for being single. Maybe some therapy would help?

I will say that you have nothing to be ashamed of and you haven't failed at anything. I'm sure you are a strong, capable and talented woman with many achievements and qualities outside of your relationship status and whether you have kids. Please remind yourself of this and be kind to yourself. Why did you two break up?

Glosstwit · 11/08/2019 20:59

In the same boat. It's so grim even trying to date. Surely it gets better?

lisa1855 · 11/08/2019 21:09

hi i wonder is it realy humiliating/shamefull, and are you realy a failure.
just because you have not found the right one yet at 33.
some people never find the right one and they have children and who made it a law that you have to be in a long term relationship to have children.
do you think you would make a good mum do you think you would be able to give a child the love and care he or she needs.
this is what you need to be thinking because a happy family does not have to be what people/sociaty think it should be.
any way being on your own is not a bad thing no partner telling you you cant do this or that can do what you want when you want and unlike your friends you dont have to explain no naggin.
weman are having kids well into there 40's you are in the prime of your live enjoy it it will never happen again.
be happy

Original poster

aviddreamer · 11/08/2019 21:12

@Springfern thank you for your kind message :) it's shocking to feel so much shame when I am otherwise quite...well.. feminist, I hope!

We broke up because, I suppose we had been having arguments, over nothing really, but I was ready to plough ahead and work on the communication issues along the way.. until he said he couldn't see the future of us any more, which really ended it for me. So it was 'mutual', but only is so much as I couldn't be with someone who I couldn't plan for the future with...

How long have you been single for? Do the feelings of shame gotten any better?

I've been single before, but it's something to do with my age, and having none of peers in the same boat as me, that has just cut me down

OP posts:

NameChange84 · 11/08/2019 21:15

I’m 35 and in a similar boat except it all went pear shaped for me at 31. I was heartbroken and I’ve spent the last few years unable to trust when I could have spent that time dating and by now been ready for a baby. Now it looks like it will never happen as I’ve let too much time go past.

My advice to you is not to give up. You do have some time on your side. Get out there and date with a view to finding someone you can settle down with in the next couple of years.

A friend became a mum yesterday. She was single and your age this time last year! The pregnancy was a huge surprise (she was told she couldn’t carry a child) and unplanned but it’s all come together and she’s now got a new man, a new home and a new baby. This time last year she definitely didn’t see that coming!

Divebar · 11/08/2019 21:17

Blimey you’re being a bit dramatic. What’s shameful? I didn’t even meet my husband until I was 35. You need a major rethink about how you view yourself because all this “ I’m so old, woe is me, no one’s ever going to love me” is going to get old pretty fast. If I was your friend I’d be letting you wallow for a set period of time and then giving you a kick up the arse.... in the nicest possible way.

Divebar · 11/08/2019 21:22

I’ve also got friends in their 40s and 50s who are single and never married.... I’m sure they’d be giving you massive eye rolls about the age thing. Sometimes life doesn’t give you what you expect but you’ve got to grab it by the balls. Get out there

Springfern · 11/08/2019 21:28

OP I totally get what you mean about being shocked to be ashamed because I'm a feminist! Logically I can tell myself that all the expectations and judgement that society places on women is patriarchal bullshit but that still doesn't stop me feeling like I've failed at 'being a woman' on an emotional level!

I'm 30 and tbh I've been single for most of my life, I've had lots of short quite tumultuous relationships, nothing lasting more than a year. I've actually been dating someone for the last 3 months but it looks like we're gonna stop seeing each other because of poor communication and arguments.The fact that I've never been able to make a relationship work makes me feel like a failure.

Do you have a hobby you can throw yourself into? I'm really into weight lifting and I dont know where I'd be without the gym! It's a great distraction and it makes me feel strong on lots of levels (and then I feel less like a failure...and i get a set of sweet guns as a bonus!)

Springfern · 11/08/2019 21:32

Oh and the shame has definitely got a lot better over the last couple of years. But I had some therapy to help with that...it's a bigger issue than just being single and I found it was good to get to the bottom of that and learn ways to fight it. It's a work in progress though

Original poster

aviddreamer · 11/08/2019 21:46

@NameChange84 I’m sorry to hear about your heartbreak and that you feel like you could have spent the last few years differently. That’s a really uplifting story about your friend - good for her!
I’m trying to keep positive about never being to old for love, it’s just the baby thing that’s so tricky - sometimes logic doesn’t help when your hormones are shouting louder than your brain!

OP posts:

toffeeapple123 · 11/08/2019 21:46

In the same boat here. Nearly 35.

Original poster

aviddreamer · 11/08/2019 21:57

@Springfern I’m glad someone else is in the same boat over the shame...and annoying shame-at-feeling-shame paradox! Therapy sounds like a great idea and it’s good to hear that it helped you. I’ve actually started therapy myself, I’ve had 3 sessions and not sure how it’ll go yet as at the moment it’s just me in a room being extremely negative. I’ve been on antidepressants since I was 18 though, so therapy does seem a no-brainier!

What makes me realise that this isn’t how it has to be is that I have friends who I admire so much, and even though they are happily married, I know that if the worst happened and they were single again, they have a confidence that means they would just totally own it!

Also, I’m sorry to hear about your current dating situation, I absolutely hate those pointless arguments and escalating miscommunications :(

Weightlifting sounds awesome! And feeling strong sounds like a very good feeling indeed. I definitely need some new hobbies and outlets now I have all this time on my hands!

OP posts:

Original poster

aviddreamer · 11/08/2019 22:00

@Divebar This tough love approach made me smile! The attitude - that caring this much about being single - is dramatic is what I am 100% aiming for.

Also, great to hear you met your husband at 35 :)

OP posts:

Springfern · 11/08/2019 22:06

Good to hear you've started therapy!. I would say that definitely gets tough before you start feeling the rewards but stick with it. It sounds like you've been through a lot of things and I admire you for deciding that it's time to address them all xx

Highandlow · 11/08/2019 22:12

Hi
I am nearly 30 and have not really had a rship beyond a year. In some ways I feel as you do.
However where is the shame coming from? From others or you ? I personally know so many single people of all ages, I don't feel much single 'shame'. It makes a difference.
33 is still young, it's not game over. In my experience/observation, attitude makes a difference. Look at this as a new opportunity.

Divebar · 11/08/2019 22:58

@aviddreamer

Well thank god you didn’t take my comments too personally. Let me just say I’m 49 with a 7 year old DD. I look back at 33 and could shake myself for all my self doubts and insecurities. It’s a bit like not appreciating how attractive and slim you are and going through life wailing about fat thighs. I’m certainly fatter and more wrinkly than I was at 33 but weirdly more confident. I want to be able to give you younger ladies some of that confidence.....I want you to get your fucking chins up and go out there and slay it because the world is truly drawn to those types of people. Definitely set yourself a time limit for being mopey and then when you hit it say right.... I’m done with that shit.... onwards and upwards.

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