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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Don't know how to advise daughter

11 replies

scorpio57 · 11/08/2019 19:56

Two years ago my daughter met a man online. They met several times but to some extent there were issues even before she took the decision earlier this year to move overseas to be with him. They are now together but their life is not great. She's the only one working, they're permanently strapped for cash and she says he's really moody, often shouting at her and exhibiting controlling behaviour. Yet again I've had her on the phone today in tears after a shouting match. She says she feels trapped. She's asked him to leave but he won't (the house is in her name) and if she comes back home, it will cost her thousands in relocation expenses that she'll have to repay. I absolutely hate seeing her so unhappy and stressed and it's making me unwell too. I just don't know what to do. I've said I'd help her come back home if she wants that - we'd find the money somehow, I'm sure, but she doesn't seem to want it. I'm frantic with worry. What should I do?

OP posts:
VictoriaBun · 11/08/2019 19:59

House in her name. Owned or rented ?
If just rented, and perhaps rent paid many months in advance, I'd still be telling her to cut her losses and just leave.

Whatastrawberryfool · 11/08/2019 20:00

Can you go over there and help kick him out of her house? That's what I would do.

scorpio57 · 11/08/2019 20:06

It's rented and she loves the house and is getting to grips with her job which is another reason why she doesn't want to be the one to leave. She's given up alot to be there

OP posts:
scorpio57 · 11/08/2019 20:07

Offered to book a flight today and she said no. They've coming over here in a couple of weeks and I don't know if I should have a word with him or pretend I don't know what's going on.

OP posts:
munemema · 11/08/2019 20:11

Can she get any help from the authorities in the country where she is?

JoJoSM2 · 11/08/2019 20:12

Do you even want him in your house?

Ask her if she wants to be in the same situation in 5, 10 or 20 years' time?

Tbh, though, I'm not sure you can do anything other than let her know that she's got you for support if/when she leaves. She migth see sense in a week or never...

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 11/08/2019 21:41

I couldn't pretend not to know what is going on when a man is distressing my daughter so much. He would know quickly what I thought. Support her as much as you can. Hope she is able to leave and everything works out.

Ornery · 11/08/2019 21:46

Where is she? Is she only allowed to work by virtue of a common law visa? I have a friend who had to leave the country because she split up with her sponsor.

Herocomplex · 11/08/2019 21:49

Does she know her legal rights in the country she’s in? Does she have residency?
I’m sorry she’s in this position but she seems to have shared her problem with you but isn’t listening to your offers of help. I’d suggest she came home to visit by herself. If he has no money how is he travelling?

ColdAndSad · 11/08/2019 22:47

For goodness sake don't have a word with him. He's abusive and controlling, and will only get angry if he knows she's been telling you.

I'd probably encourage her to cut her losses and come back home--but to do it without him, and to not tell him until she's already back with you. Because he's going to escalate as soon as he knows he's losing control of her, and she'll be safer just not telling him until there's nothign he can do about it.

HollowTalk · 11/08/2019 22:51

She has to look at whether she wants to remain in the country/house and separately whether she wants to live with him. Does she have the right to be there if she's not with him any longer?

I hope you can get the chance to talk to her privately when she's home. I have to say I wouldn't want him in my house, though I know that would end in a worse situation.

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