Friend deleting my messages WWYD

[CharDee]

My friend "Harry" and I have been good friends for over 10 years, for maybe the first 4/5 years we were each other's closest friend and our relationship was very much brother/sister. Over the last few years we've not seen each other as much and drifted apart but do still talk a few times a week and will meet up for birthday nights out or other big events.

He has been with his current girlfriend for 3 years. DH commented the other day that we've not actually seen Harry without his girlfriend for about 2 1/2 years which I hadn't even thought about until he said it but it didn't bother me at all. Usually if we meet up it's in a big group and DH would be there so why wouldn't his girlfriend?

Last night Harry came over to ours for a few drinks with friends.i asked how his girlfriend was and we spoke about her for a bit - she has a 7 year old and I had loads of my nephews clothes so gave them to him to take home.

Suddenly he said that he couldn't take them because she didn't know he was here and couldn't be bothered explaining. I asked why she didn't know and he said that she didn't know we were still close. I was quite shocked and asked why and he said that she's jealous and has always been threatens by our close relationship. Ive known his girlfriend for a while, before they got together so I did think that maybe she saw what we used to be like and that's where the jealousy came from, bur then I was engaged to d when I first met her and there has honestly never been anything romantic between us.

Then I said that she must know that we still talk and he said that she checks his phone so he deletes all our messages.

I was a bit drunk and just had to walk away. I was really annoyed at him for lying to her and also for not telling me this sooner. I feel like a bit of an idiot but also angry and maybe a bit worried about Harry. Harry left shortly after but found me and said he was sorry and that he'd told me. He seemed really upset.

DH was shocked when I told him. DH said that when he first saw me and harry together it was obvious we were just friends and that he trusted us both. He thinks i need to step back and either wait for him to get in touch or accept that our friendship is over.

I love harry so much and he was honestly like my brother. Is doing what DH suggested the right thing to do?

I think you should step back for now and let Harry lead your friendship but don't abandon it.

It will come out in the wash. Either they'll stay together and commit long term in which case over time she'll come to trust him more as they become more solid or they will split up.

He's not managing his friendship with you honestly or well in the context of his relationship but that's his problem and his decision and not yours.

@TellItLikeItReallyIs You're right, I will step back but not cut him out completely.

It's just hurtful that we were both such huge parts of each other's life and now he is pretending I don't exist. He should have dealt with it straight away and been honest with us both. I've just had a call off him but I didn't answer and then I had a little cry to myself.

Let your emotions cool before you talk, it sounds very intense between friends. You either forgive and forget or decide he is falling below the standard you expect from your friend and step back from communicating closely. Quite why he feels the need to grovel to you is beyond me but I would suggest it indicates a degree of close attachment.

@EvaHarknessRose I don't think he has tried to grovel, he just apologised last night and tried calling today but not sure what he was going to say.

I don't understand why he has deleted messages between us. I'd say we talk maybe three times a week, sometimes more sometimes less and it's usually about stupid, boring stuff like football and tv with the occasional update on what's going on with us. So there's nothing to hide in fact on some occasions when I've been busy and I've had a message I've asked DH to read it for me and reply.