Abusive, narcissistic parent dying.

[MidsomerBurgers]

I am no contact, and have been for almost ten years now. They never even met my DC.

Why do I feel so bad that he is now dying?

Because you are a lovely human being who doesn’t abuse her children and you have empathy.

Perhaps, you are mourning the kind of loving parent you never had and now never will? I think it is a normal reaction and one, I have seen quite a few people mention over the years.

Because you are mourning the loss of the relationship that you should have had with your parent.
Now that that parent is dying, you are mourning the fact that your parent will never now apologise and/or become the parent that you absolutely deserved.
This is why you feel panicked, confused, guilty and mournful but also angry.
What you need to remember is why this parent is not in your life and hold on to that. Your parent does not deserve your forgiveness or understanding or love just because they are now dying. The person who forced you into NC in the first place is still there - they are still that person.

Good luck with staying strong and remember that YOU owe them nothing.