Think I've messed up again, I need your help

[Doneitagainidiot]

My emotionally abusive ex husband left me a few years ago, we got divorced and then I got talking to a friend of 20 of years, and I thought he was wonderful, he treated me better than my ex and the kids love him and their step sibling.

We got married recently and he used to have a drink problem which he admitted too, and we have had several conversations where he says he is doing much better, has cut back a lot, doesn't have to hide it from me, I've been supportive and said so long as he is honest with me I will support him, as I know it's not as easy as just giving up. I said my deal breaker would be drink driving.

I've had my suspicions but recently found evidence that he is drinking (a lot) behind my back and therefore more than likely drink driving.

I feel so hurt and betrayed and so stupid for believing him. I don't want to confront him as he will either lie, or give me a sob story because I've found him out. He says I can't ever leave him as I've turned his life around (yes he has been through some horrendous times but I've been making excuses for him too much) and that he couldn't live without me. He has also told me how he was suicidal before we met, with attempts.

How did I not see the huge red flags 😭😭 I've been so stupid and moved my kids miles from friends and family and now I feel like I need to leave and move away again.

I think he is making himself ill from the drink and I don't want to end up caring for him as harsh as that sounds.

Would I be wrong to pack us up and move back to my support network as hard as it would be for the kids?

I think the best thing you could do is get your DC out of this situation asap

I think you need to take decisive action now. The alternative would be a long, drawn out, painful, slow death of the relationship all played out in front of your dc and with the same end result : separation.

He has made promises and broken them. He is lying to you. He is making himself ill. He is drunk driving and putting others in danger. That's enough reason to walk imo.

No, you would not be wrong OP, you would be doing the correct but difficult thing. This man is trying to leech your maternal love and attention away from your actual children.

Bring them back to where they and you are loved and supported.

I say this as a recovering alcoholic. Go and don't look back. He is in denial about his drinking only he can stop. You can't cure him don't let him drag you down and plz don't fall for emotional blackmail we alcoholics are fabulous liars.

No, you wouldn't be wrong...post-mortem why you did it later. For now, protect yourself and your children.

The emotional blackmail is so harsh. Don't let that influence you, you are not responsible for him. He can't be an alcoholic who drinks sometimes, that can't work. AA would be a non negotiable and you'd have to go to or he would just lie about going as well, but chances are he won't quit. Can you easily move back home?

Alcoholics can't "cut back" and become normal drinkers. We're either actively drinking or we're abstinent. He's an actively drinking alcoholic - get away from him.

You're all saying what I need to hear, it won't be easy but I think I could move back home, it would mean my kids changing schools again but I don't think I have any other choice. I've been so naive the signs were there but I ignored them.

I love his parents and brother and his wife, they are such lovely people, would you get them involved so they know what's happening and can be here when I leave?

Listen to @OliveToboogie (without sounding condescending, very brave and honest post)
Nobody can tell you what to do but firstly, don't feel stupid. When someone has a nice forgiving nature they can be blinkered. Your DC will adapt. I changed schools a few times (Dad's job). I did okay and actually it made me more adaptable later in life so please don't worry as kids are alot more resilient than we think and they'll just want a happy Mum.
I wish you the very best x