How do you adjust to single life?

[BoredShitlessx10]

I've been with DP for five years now and I feel we are nearing the end. I'm really sad and I'm stuck in that hard place of 'do I try harder or just walk away?' He is the love of my life. The thought of being without him brings instant tears to my eyes.

But I also have to be realistic that it's a big possibility I'll be without him. How do you actually cope?

I moved here to be with him, I have 2/3 friends but I see them probably 4/5 times a year. They have kids, careers and they're settled. I barely have a career, no kids and no hobbies. I know I need to find something but I don't enjoy running/knitting or that type of thing.

He needs some space (as do I) but I'm just laid on my bed crying. We had such a fun life together when it was good, now I'm just empty and scared my Sundays are going to be spent bored and empty.

I moved here to be with him ... I barely have a career, no kids and no hobbies

It does sound as if your ‘fun life’ was centred entirely on your partner - and it doesn’t sound as if being with him was providing the right impetus for you to build up your own life. Or even a shared life that involved anything outside the two of you.

Wasn’t it a bit stifling?

What are the reasons you think it's falling apart between you?

I think you really need to work on the things that are lacking in your life, whether you stay together or not. Look at MeetUp in your area and see if there's anything going on you fancy joining. What do you enjoy? Is there a social aspect you could develop? Could you socialise with colleagues? Do you never get invitations, or do you tend to decline, or only go if you're with your partner? Are there community or charity events you could get involved with?

Well Sunday’s over here is serial killer Sunday on Tv which is always good! The first thing to adjust to being single is new bed, bedsheets & quilt set, decorating your space as you want & making a new nest for yourself.
Taking walks & exploring is something I like, going on drives & taking photos, watching documentaries & binge watching tv series. Cooking whatever you want & not having to consider the other person is great - if I want to live off roast veggies & jam on toast for a week I can & nobody around telling you what to do... wear that style of clothing they disliked & go to whatever free cultural events & stuff on in your area they wouldn’t have wanted to go to etc
If I was single in England would be visiting old ruins or castles at every opportunity
If you are in London there is literally things to do 24/7 would go revisit the glorious 7 Victorian cemeteries ! (Highgate )

Basically you do you!

You only moved 5 years ago, so before that you had a life? Somewhere else? With friends?
No kids makes it easy to pack up and change your life into whatever you want it to be!

You could...

Join a band
Join a choir
Join the gym
Take up BMF
Start volunteering
Take up swing dancing
Complete couch the 5k
Take up yoga
Start making soap
Learn how to needle felt
Make a fairy garden
Decorate the house
Take up candle making
Learn a musical instrument
Join a ukulele group
Go on brewery tours
Take a belly dancing class
Get an evening bar job
Take up wild camping
Sleep out in the local woods with a friend
Write a novel
Overhaul your image
Start bullet journaling
Take a photography class

Off the top of my head.

Just do something!! No hobbies is an incredibly dull life whether you are single or not.

And as for "how do you cope?", nowadays I'd choose being single over a man everytime.

I just dont have time for a boyfriend!

I had a nasty split from my now ex husband. Together 7 years. I honestly thought my world had ended. I did a lot of rebounding after. We split Jan 2018. It wasn't easy, but today I couldn't bare the thought of being in a relationship for a very long time. I never want to be that emotionally attached to someone again when if they leave I feel like I've lost everything.

Within a year, I've really grown as a person and appreciate being on my own. I picked up my career again and rebuilt myself.

It does take time, I won't lie. But I'm so so much better off for it now.

As @prawnsword has said: you find the things you want to do (whether you did them before or not) and take great pleasure in doing them however and whenever you want.

There are loads of good things about being single, loads of good things about being in a good relationship, very few good things about being in a relationship that isn't working out.

Fwiw I would recommend that if you want to stay together, you talk to them (obviously) about it but also build your own life. Having your own friends and career and hobbies isn't something you only do when you're single.

I’d say that having your own friends and career and hobbies are rather crucial to maintaining a healthy relationship with a partner.

If, after five years in a location you only moved to for someone else’s sake, you haven’t felt able to build a valuable independent life - something is definitely not working.

Have you asked yourself how you got to this situation?

Very easily, if you are crying and feeling distraught he is not the love of your life he is a twat.
Living alone gives you the freedon to pursue all of your hobbies, make new friends, do anything.
After being to two utter twats in the past I'm finding the single life wonderful at 57 and have no plans whatsoever to live with anyone again. I won't rule out a live out boufriends but that's it.
Make a list of everything he has done to upset you and make you miserable and when it is good and long symbolically burn it.
Then it's time to start again.

If you don't have a career, could you move back home where you have family/friends?
I think you are jumping ahead into the unknown here and using these unknown fears as an excuse to carry on an unhappy relationship. You're focussing on the possible bad things about being single instead of the positives. And, believe me, those negatives can turn to positives.
I was the same 2 years ago and I ended a 17 year relationship. I worried about being lonely, how I would cope alone with the kids etc etc. Now I cherish my alone time more than anything. I meet up with friends more than every and I can now say yes to things I might not have before (childcare depending).

No kids makes it easy to pack up and change your life into whatever you want it to be!

I agree with this. I think the fact you have no kids makes it much more easier to start over

Well didn’t mention friends because am a bit of an introvert & need lots of downtime to unwind after socialising

Obviously being in a harmonious, happy relationship is the ideal. But being single is way better than being in a bad relationship.

You can’t be content until your home is free from being a toxic environment

Ok fair point am personally childfree so it may be easier for myself than others...so should check my privilege

Obviously being in a harmonious, happy relationship is the ideal.

Its not my ideal. Just one possibility amongst others.

@QuaterMiss apologies that was a poor generalisation...was trying to rank them to illustrate being single is better than being in a bad relationship. But doesn’t mean a relationship is always the ideal. Falling in love is pretty awesome though. To think some people have it forever is quite a thing!

But being in a bad relationship is suffocating & sux

True, prawn.

Build a life!

Try things and see what sticks - African dancing, yoga, painting, pottery, rambling, learning a language/cookery/DIY etc etc. Get out there and you will make friends (or at least acquiantances) through these.

Also make sure you have things you enjoy doing at home - you could get into cooking, gardening, reading, a particular genre of films - whatever takes your fancy.

As others have said, it's really important to do these things whether you are single or in a relationship.