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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Was I too harsh on this friend ?

12 replies

walker05 · 11/08/2019 08:37

She's a nice person, and initially she was close friends with a mutual friend of ours who then ended up moving away. I only really saw her every few months. At one point she asked me to do a flatshare with her but I declined as I was not sure i'd be staying in the area. She then asked again a few weeks later offering a reduced rent and I then wrote her a longer message explaining that I was considering working abroad etc. So it wouldn't be fair to move in then leave her having to find someone else.
She said to our friend behind my back 'oh, she sent me another long message today'.
Which I thought was rude as I was just trying to be nice and explain.
I once dyed our mutual friend's hair for her and then this friend apparently saw it and said 'no, that's not how you dye hair, you're gonna let me do it next time.'
Anyway I ended up thinking she was a little rude so distanced myself.
But eventually saw her at a party one night, we chatted more and I found her to be nice.
She used to see our mutual friend a lot (they are both very sociable and outgoing).
However, when she had a bf she seemed to disappear.
I did manage to see her once for a coffee. I then invited her to a party with me the following weekend. She cancelled saying she was ill and that we would do something soon. Then, I didn't hear from her for 4 months.
One day, she contacted me out of the blue and asked me if I fancied a coffee. She then told me she was single and I realised that was probably why.
I knew she didn't have a ton of friends plus she needed a sboulder to cry on so I met her a couple of times.
Then in the end she started asking me to meet up 3-4 times a week and go clubbing every weekend. I found it to be quite a lot, and i am a lot more introverted. Once a week would have been plenty and I am not really into clubbing.
The thing is, I felt that as soon as she got a new boyfriend it would go back to before, and that she was using me as there werent many other people.
In the end she just kind of stopped contacting me when I declined some invitations.
I haven't heard from her for 2 months now, no idea if she's with someone or not.
I feel bad, I never said anything to her, just said I was busy etc. Which i was, id meet often but found 3-4 times per week far too much.
Should I contact her and apologise/ask to meet up ?

OP posts:
Girasole02 · 11/08/2019 08:41

My gut instinct says stay away. Too many red flags.

BenWillbondsPants · 11/08/2019 08:44

Apologise for what? Not going out every time she asked?

walker05 · 11/08/2019 08:44

Do you think so ? I think she is nice, and I know this is common sadly for some people to stop making effort when they are in a relationship.
I suppose I didn't want to get closer to her as a friend and be invested then for her to disappear when she got another boyfriend.

OP posts:
walker05 · 11/08/2019 08:46

Yeah youre right, I don't really need to apologise I guess. In the end she didn't ask again and i didn't contact her again either.
I dont want to contact her again and it's either the several times per week or the once in a blue moon. Would be good if there were a happy medium but that's not always a given and I guess you cant always have it your way.

OP posts:
Brakebackcyclebot · 11/08/2019 09:17

Just leave it.

walker05 · 11/08/2019 09:58

I may message at some point just to see how she is doing anyway

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 11/08/2019 10:04

I know someone like this and “fair weather friend” is the most accurate description I could think of

She courts drama and always cycles through friends depending on who she has recently leant on or pissed off too much

Just avoid, you haven’t done anything wrong

Robin2323 · 11/08/2019 10:04

Leave it.
Friends come and go.
That's normal.
Be polite if you meet but otherwise I think it's done.

walker05 · 11/08/2019 10:27

Yeah I guess it's just fizzled out. I do feel harsh though for some reason..

OP posts:
Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 11/08/2019 11:54

I had a friend like this. She loved me to bits when we were both single, when I was with someone she was never around. I think she used me to enable herself to go out more! But she’d drop similar poisonous little comments every now and then that - I interviewed at her work once and when she saw me afterwards she congratulated me but countered by saying - I thought you were going to fuck it up 😳.
It was a relief not having her in my life anymore. You don’t have to stay in contact with everyone, especially when they don’t fit what you want from a friend.

Keepitup · 11/08/2019 12:27

What about when you didn't hear from her for four months? It's no different now really, is it? Just move on and she'll no doubt be in touch. If she isn't then it doesn't sound like much has been lost.

walker05 · 11/08/2019 12:41

Yeah you're right i'm probably just overthinking it. I will just leave it and put it to the back of my mind

OP posts:
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