How can we get it back?

[Mumof21989]

Hi everyone. Im sad to be writing this as i never imagined it getting this bad. Ive been in a relationship for 7 years now. Hes the nicest kindest man. He will do anything for me. Id like to think he feels the same about me.

We have 2 children aged 4 and 19 months. Hes a great Dad. Im a stay at home mum. He works in a good job that allows this. The problem is it feels like his job is all he talks about. He is always stressed and down these days with it all. I try to help but it fails. In the end i spoke to his work mate who i know. He has helped him by taking over this particular problem to lower his stress. But he still wont stop stressing over it. His bosses etc have all told him to relax and stop worrying. He just wont do it.

Anyway on top of his work being his only topic of conversation the kids dont sleep. Weve tried lots of tricks but due to him not getting home from work until 7.30pm_8.00pm, the kids are impssible to settle until nearer 9.00. I have to leave the 1 year old downstairs with daddy whilst i settle the 4 year old. Then its 9.30-10 before both kids are fast asleep. My partner falls asleep if he settles the 4 year old and often ends up sleeping on her bed or the sofa. The 19 month old sleeps in our bed as he was in hospital for a few days and i am happy with this at the moment. But due to the late nights, work chat, no babysitters, we no longer have a relationship. We've not had sex for 4 months. We cant even watch a film and get a takeaway. I have found myself feeling abit empty lately. Even to the point of wondering if ill ever get to know someone else and feel excitement again. We had builders in lately and i found one of them attractive and was actually putting my makeup on super early so i looked nice. Just the way he cheekily asked me for a coffee made me smile. How lame is that!!!! I dont want an affair or anything. I really dont. I just want to laugh again. I want to feel interested again. I want to chat about positive things. I love my partner because he will do anything for our family. But how can i get him to be fun again? Im sad that the kids we both love have seperated us. Its not there faults at all. Is it too late to get back on track?

You are at that stage in life where it goes from all the fun and romance of date nights , hen nights, weddings etc to REAL life and it is hard esp when the children are small. When a man is a sole provider he often finds the stress of it hard - he knows he is responsible for keeping his family at this standard of life .
Regarding the kids - sorry but they need to be in bed before Dad comes home - well certainly the baby does and the 4 year old can maybe see Dad but then off to bed . This is life . Dads work and this often happens. I am telling you from experience its not good to have children bed with you . It's a hard habit to break ! It will be tough to initiate a new routine but you will reap the benefits and reclaim "me time".
As for the builder we have all been there , it's no big deal .
You need to establish a new routine otherwise you're going to be one of those couples you see out with Mum pandering to every child and the Dad looking as if he wishes he was a million miles away from it all !

I think you do need to change bedtimes, so they go earlier. They're probably overtired and a new routine might work better.

It's a tough stage for any relationship. Would going back to work a bit be good for you?

Hi thanks for the reply. Its just so hard as the 1 year old wont settle with the 4 year old around and the same for the 4 year old. So i tend to wait for dad to get home. I do want to improve this though. My dd goes to school next month so i am hoping we will get a routine then. She will need earlier bedtimes by then.

As for working. Its so hard as i will be doing the school runs and cant afford childcare for my son. School holidays and sick days will be so hard because i have no family to help out too. We are not on amy benefits so we sort of manage. I want to do something again in a couple of years though when my son gets some funding. If anyone has any tips for improving routine that would be great

Agree with PPs that you need to get the DCs in bed earlier, before DH gets home on weeknights.

It doesn't sound as though There is much else for you and DH to talk about as your lives are just work for him & putting kids to bed. What else does he have to talk about? Is he interested in your day? Do you have anything to talk about?

Routine - can your 4 year old be left watching a story DVD or end of CBBC while you settle the baby? How long does settling take? When mine were 3 & 1 I would leave 3 YO in the lounge watching TV and take 1 YO upstairs to have milk & story & bed. Or some times we'd do stories together. Your 4 YO's routine may need to change, it might take a few days to make the change but it is possible.

Then when DH gets in you can actually have time together?

What did you & DH do in the past together? What dud you talk about? Do you ever go out together? Watch box sets? Discuss politics/books/sport/whatever?

If your DCs get used to a new routine and get used to going to bed earlier you could get a babysitter once a month and go out, even if It's just for a walk & drink? Your eldest will also benefit once school starts as a 9 pm bedtime will just leave them exhausted on top of starting school.

Its just so hard as the 1 year old wont settle with the 4 year old around and the same for the 4 year old

This is something you have allowed to happen and only you can break it . Your 4 year old is old enough to understand " soon you will be a big girl at school blah blah " and we need to .....

Yes its unpleasant and hard work changing sleep routines but it doesn't take long .