Dating someone grieving

[M3ssyhead]

NC for this. I feel like this post is going to sound very self centred. Go easy on me please, I really don’t mean it to.

So, I’ve been seeing someone recently but it’s very early days. Initially i viewed at as more of a physical thing and good company as it was long distance etc but we spent a lot of time together when we could and had a really great time. He kind of changed the game a bit and turned it into more of a liking scenario by saying he missed me etc and I started to warm to this idea. I do really like him.

Anyway, unfortunately he has lost a parent in the last couple of weeks. He knew it was coming soon and told me what was going on. I told him I would take a step back to leave him to be with his family, but he knew where i was if he needed me. I thought that would likely be it to be honest, but he ended up keeping chatting with me, ringing me etc. He said a few times he would come to see me but things changed understandably. He hasn’t mentioned seeing me again since, but that’s ok because his life is completely hectic at the moment.

My problem being is that I suffer with a lot of anxiety. My past relationship was very mentally abusive and I was punished a lot with the silent treatment and played games with. I’ve then had my head messed with and ghosted left right centre on OLD since. I am trying so hard not to let it get the better of me and so far have not put anything on him but I’m finding it difficult not being able to expect any reassurance from him that things are alright and not being able to ask him when we can see each other for fear of being pushy. It’s difficult because a lot of the things he does that can easily be explained by what he’s going through, in other cases has always meant they’re not interested.

At the moment I am just following his lead. I’ve tried backing off to see if he lets it fizzle out and he doesn’t, but it’s a case of as soon as I start to feel that I’m not going to hear from him again, he pops back up full of enthusiasm, I feel secure again...and then he goes quiet.

I’d like to clarify that this is NOT a post bashing him. I know he’s grieving. I know everyone deals with these things differently. If he had said he did want to continue things, but probably wouldn’t be able to visit for a while then I’d be happy to wait. It’s simply the fact that none of this has been discussed and I don’t know what I’m doing that is making me so antsy.

I guess what I want advice on is how I should deal with it. Is there an appropriate way to ask him? Do I just have to suck it up and keep following his lead even though it affects me? Or would I be better to just walk away (although considering he says I’ve been really good through all this, I’d feel like an utterly awful person to do this)?

Didn’t want to read and run. As his loss is so recent I think you will just have to suck it up for now... as hard as it is. I think you can say you’re around if he wants to meet, but not push for reassurance about how he feels about you or where your relationship is headed. Sounds promising that he is keeping in touch despite all that’s going on.

I agree it’s promising he’s keeping in touch. Poor guy, how sad. You’re doing everything right by the sounds of it. He’s bound to be all over the place right now. You’ll just have to bear with him for now. I don’t really know what else to suggest

It's only been two weeks since he lost a parent. I don't understand why you think he doesn't want to see you.
He will be sinking in things that need to be done , looking after people and grieving.

How far into things are you? Are you exclusive? If not, it may help you to go back online and chat to a few other people. You don't have to decide to meet any of them, but in keeping looking you may well find you keep your own anxiety low because the next iron is in the fire for if this doesn't work out, and you'e not focusing all your energies on him which he could feel as pressure he doesn't need.

If that's not your cup of tea/ if you're further along an exclusive, try to keep busy in a different way. Take up a new hobby. Connect with friends. Keep in touch with him and offer whatever support you can.

Could you not suggest meeting for a coffee if he wants someone to chat to or a break from funeral plans etc?

I don’t think you can expect someone recently bereaved to behave in certain ways/make a commitment to diminish your anxiety/insecurity, OP. From the sound of it, you’re not exclusive with this man, anyway, so I suppose continue to date other people?

Thanks everyone. Sounds like I need to just continue as I am which is what I suspected. At least I know I'm doing the right thing!

@rosedream I haven't said I don't think he wants to see me? I understand that he is going to have other priorities. It's just difficult for someone with such a horrific past and anxiety to cope with all the ups and downs and so much being unknown.

@Coffeeandchocolate9 We've had lighthearted chats about seeing other people etc and have said we aren't. He isn't on it anymore last time I checked. No serious exclusive chat as such but I'm reluctant to use the app again for that reason.

@Abillity2019 He isn't local so it's not as simple as that unfortunately, which is why it's a lot more difficult for him to see me.

@SperanzaWilde I don't 'expect' anything from him. I honestly don't. I just wish things were clearer, but that doesn't mean I expect him to make it clearer. I was simply wondering if anyone had advice.

I’d drop him a text saying you’re thinking of him and you’re available if he needs you. Then just let him get on with what he has to get on with. He’ll be in touch. You have to get to grips with your insecurity with this or any relationship. He’s given you no reason to doubt him so try and just take a back seat for a bit.

@Pipandmum thank you, that's essentially what I have been doing so far which he seems to be ok with. I just worry about burning myself out with the constant overthinking but this is possibly what I need to help me address my own issues.

I was in the early days of dating someone when I lost a parent; I was still talking to that person but if they’d started asking for reassurance I don’t think I’d have had the headspace for it and possibly would have shut the relationship down.
As hard as it is for you I think maybe mentally you need to take a step back for your own good; it might be that this pushes your relationship back a stage or it might all go back to how it was in a couple of weeks depending on how he manages his grief. Either way you need to find a way of protecting yourself. I would say it wasn’t easy dating me in the 6 months after I lost my parent so be prepared that you don’t know how he will manage his grief.

I think, do some work on love itself.
I agree with everyone else too, that this is promising but there's been a significant life event that has taken place for one party.
That triggers your anxiety.
So, do some thinking about love, safety, trust etc. How you are those things, you call those things into your life now and forever.
This will help you in yourself plus calm you while you wait for him, plus maybe even send out the right vibes to him in his situation.
RIP his parent too xx

@user1493413286 thanks so much for your insight, it's helpful to see things from the other side. Sorry you had to go through this . I do think I need to take a mental step back but it's so hard. Every time I feel like I'm overcoming the anxiety something changes and I feel awful again. I know I do need to protect myself I just don't know how.

@something2say thank you. I know I need to help myself and I'm looking into cbt etc but it's just knowing what to do.

Every time I feel like I'm overcoming the anxiety something changes and I feel awful again. I know I do need to protect myself I just don't know how.

By stepping back from the relationship in your own mind. It's not so long since you viewed it as mostly sexual and about occasional good company because it's long distance, so maybe revert to that way of thinking about it for the moment. Keep busy with things that absorb you. Don't give it too much headspace. It's obviously not his fault he can't prioritise the relationship at the moment, even if he wanted to, but I think it's best to take a similar approach.

Updating as I need an outlet for my head!

It didn't go well, managed to keep a lid on my anxiety but it was so hard, so eventually when we spoke on the phone, I told him that I completely understood if he didn't have the headspace for me right now and that maybe we would be better to cool off for now. He insisted profusely that that wasn't what he wanted. So I left it and things continued.

I, in conversation, tried to ask if he knew when he would next be around to visit. I added that I completely understood why he hadn't been about, and was happy to wait until he could, but I just wanted to know that I wasn't waiting for something that was never going to happen. He got defensive and said he can't put a time on it and he knows we've talked about not seeing other people but he thinks I should even though he's not going to be, because he can't promise to make any commitments to me right now. He basically turned my innocent question into me trying to get him into a relationship, even though I assured him I didn't expect any answers from him right now time and time again. The conversation ended with him reassuring me that I have nothing to worry about and he does like me, it's just a bad time. Which I knew anyway.

I feel a bit hurt that my asking if he was going to be coming back has come across that I'm some sort of bunny boiler trying to force him into a relationship. It's gone completely wrong and I'm gutted.

He went on holiday with his family a couple of days ago, so I text him to reiterate that I was fine with everything said and I definitely don't think badly of him, and to have a lovely break. He said thank you, and I haven't heard from him since.

I don't know whether to think of this as he is just taking a time out on holiday or that's it over now. While I know the former is plausible, and if it was the case then I wouldn't think he had done anything wrong, but im leaning towards the latter. He has been texting me every day throughout everything that's gone on. There's nothing I can do about it as I'm definitely not going to bother him while he's away, but I feel utterly awful. I honestly wish I had never said anything. I'm gutted.