If this is how it's going to be, I'm not going to be able to get through it

[windyhills]

My husband was abusive, horrible, mean.
He died 5 years ago

My son is 11 and he's just exploded in exactly the same way my H used to. Made something out of nothing, threw a drink in anger
And it's taken me right back
He was so out of control. Absolutely the same rage
This was my biggest fear

He's only 11. He doesn't have to automatically turn into his dad- get him help.....

I really feel for you. My son's father is still around but what you say really resonates. My eldest completely triggers me when he's angry because all I see is his father. I've had great support through women's aid and the respect programme for him, I'd urge you to look at those

He's mirroring what he saw, however young. You need tools to regain control and get him on the right path, it isn't too late

I feel so sick
It’s like I’d buried it all and it’s all come flooding back

I know, same for me but you can bring him and you through this

You can't give up. Please don't. Imagine your ex's mother hadn't given up.

It’s so hard
We’ve talked about arguments he remembers, but he doesn’t know the extent as to how horrible he was and I never wanted him to know

And I think the drink has ruined the wooden floor

Where is your son now?

He left the room and went to make some food. I stayed in the room, but then went upstairs. He needed time to calm down
I’ve spoken to him and calmly told him that I’m very upset and he has apologised and asked if I could ever forgive him( dramatic)
I told him he has to be able to control his anger and he said he hates it when people are wrong( so still trying to justify his behaviour)
We’re just finishing watching a show and he’s all cuddles
He doesn’t really have an anger problem, this came out of nowhere which was why I was so upset I think

But remember. Bastard men don't have anger issues. Bastard men use being angry as a way to disguise them gaining undeserved power. You HAVE to be strong and let him know you won't tolerate his bullshit. Then you have to provide a severe consequence. And if he doesn't respond you have to provide a further consequence.

I’m glad that he was remorseful.

If this is the first time it’s happened, I’d wait and see.

If it recurs, deal with it. It won’t be too late, he’s still young.

He is still so young, you can guide him to a better path. Please seek outside help, for you and him

Abusers are made not borne

The way you’re dealing with this is good - you told him that you won’t allow this behaviour and he’s got it. I’d even go so far as to say he’s frightened himself and doesn’t want to be his dad.

11 is a tricky age, he will be increasingly influenced by hormones, keep talking to him, tell him to tell you how he’s feeling and that anger out of nowhere at this age can happen, but it’s not real and if he feels out of control to talk to you, take some time to himself until it passes.

You will both be ok! (((Hug)))

As a DV advisor I saw this many times.

I'd say, talk to him about what he saw, discuss how it made you feel, him feel. Discuss use of temper and violence to get one's own way. Discuss power and control.

It sounds as though it's a first attempt on his part, so nip it in the bud early.

And you may benefit from talking to someone because abuse doesn't just go away and stay away. It will come out at some stage and better controlled than uncontrolled.

On a practical note there’s lots of online resources for coping strategies when you feel overwhelmed, frustrated, angry etc like taking a moment to focus on breathing and finding healthier ways of expressing yourself. Maybe he’d appreciate you having a look and work together to try some