Pregnant with DC2 and unhappy with marriage. Advice needed!

[LifeIsAnArt]

First time posting and I would really appreciate some advice.

I'm currently in my 2nd trimester with DC2 and I'm feeling so out of love with my DH. DC1 is 2 years old.

I think our relationship started going downhill last year when we had a serious argument and didn't really talk to each other for over a week. Our marriage was generally fine before that, but I'm finding that with childcare and both of us in full time jobs, we have both just been so busy and tired and not really had time for each other.

Since this pregnancy started, I've felt even worse about DH and about our marriage. DH is not excited about the impending new arrival, and is generally moody from pressure from work. I feel his commitment to work is hindering his commitment to family life.

Part of the reason that I'm not happy with him is that DC is very clingy to me and I feel DH is not putting enough effort in to bond with her (e.g. I've had to "tell him off" several times for using his phone while being with DC, and he is lax about safety which has resulted in accidents before to the hospital). I just feel that he's not the father that I had hoped he would be and I find that really disappointing. Don't get me wrong, he does do housework and bath time etc etc, but somehow I just feel like he isn't really making the most of this special time with DC1. I've raised this with him several times before and it's partly what led to the big argument last year, as he denies that he's not putting his all.

Another factor that's really affecting our marriage is that DH is constantly stressed with work and really lets that interfere with our relationship by being snappy and moody etc. a lot of the time. I feel like there's no real joy in interacting with him (well, there's no loving interaction between us that suggests we're a couple) and I don't feel anything when I see him. In some ways we're just people living under the same roof, and I don't feel like I love him anymore. Not only does he not uplift me in this pregnancy, but he gets me down. Not intentionally, but just because he is not in a healthy state of mind himself in my opinion.

Now I don't know whether I am being unrealistic to expect so much from marriage when we have young DC and a busy work life, and the pregnancy hormones might have made me extra emotional and sensitive (I often dream of arguing with DH or divorcing him). But I have to say I have always expected more of a happy marriage, and expected more of a life partner.

My question is, can I expect that things will get easier when the DC get a bit older and it isn't so hard a job balancing work and family life (as many people tell me) or am I being unrealistic to have such false hopes? I'm aware that we should communicate more about our relationship; I haven't initiated the conversation much as I feel like it's such an emotional strain and just something to make me feel even more drained than I am now, pregnancy exhaustion and all. Also when we "talked" in the past it often led to more serious arguments and tears, and not sure I'm ready for all that. So I think we're not great at communicating with each other in that way, but I will work on that. I don't think I will give up on our marriage just yet, but it's taking an emotional toll on me to feel so unhappy about how it's going.

I wondered if anyone had similar experiences when their DC were young, and whether their relationship/ marriage recovered after that?

Anyone with words of wisdom to share?

I didn't want to read and run OP. It can be hard work dealing with a demanding toddler/young child and being pregnant. Add to that a stressful job, drop offs/collections and everyday life and it can become overwhelming. These were the hardest years for me and my DH and he was travelling for a new role every week M-F for about six months. I won't lie, it nearly broke me!
We both have demanding jobs and I found if I got a local babysitter once a week (When DH was unavailable to be parent on duty!) and I got a tiny bit of me time (get my nails done, have a blow dry or a wander around the shops alone) I felt a little better about my life, and then I could look at my marriage a little more kindly.
Pressurised jobs can play havoc with a persons mental health and he might feel like he is stretched too far already. I'm not excusing his behaviour and lack of engagement with your son but he might be struggling. If you can suggest counselling or even online guided meditation it might help him.
If you can find a way to bring happiness/contentment into your life, the rest might just slot into place.

@MrHaroldFry thanks for your very kind words and for sharing your journey.

I agree every bit about the importance of finding the "me" time and using that to reach a happier state of being myself. I'm finding that it really works, so after meeting up with friends, trips by myself etc., I feel refreshed and more ready to take on life's challenges. What worries me is that I feel a lot happier being with friends than being with DH right now, and as soon as I get back to the realities of family life I find things to be annoyed about with DH. It's his temper and general moodiness that I'm finding difficult to cope with.

I have suggested counselling to him before but he didn't even reply to that suggestion. Think he was annoyed at me for suggesting it as he's definitely not the kind of person that would go for this type of thing, even though it can only do him good. But I'll look into other ways to try support his mental health, meditation etc., as you suggested.

@MunsteadWood oh a virtual hug to you! what you've said does ring true for me, too. Do you have any support at all from family in terms of childcare and are you managing to have some time for yourself from time to time? What do you reckon has triggered the arguments in your case? For us I think it's really boils down to my being annoyed at DH for his way of parenting and his short temper, which can lead to him being so snappy and saying things that are not nice. He's always had a short temper but it's definitely become worse the last year or so, after the stress of work + childcare. I have no idea what it's going to be like after DC2 arrives...

How's your pregnancy going? Hope you're enjoying it and relationship worries aren't getting too much in the way.

If you're struggling to communicate with each other I'd really advise to either write a letter and a text message about how you're feeling, your thoughts, worries etc. And send it to him at a time you know he won't be home and will have time to process it.

I did this not long ago. I wrote a massive letter, when DH was at work I told him I've got a letter for him and asked when he would like it. He said now so I told him I've put it in his bag. I wrote about how our life had changed since having DC, our non existing sex life etc. He was shocked I felt that way and I genuinely believe he did not realise a lot about how I'm feeling. Our relationship has improved lots since, we have a sex life again (yay ), we've been on a 'date' and he helps more with DC. He also opened up about his own worries, such as worrying about money.

I would have never been able to tell him the things I put down in letter face to face so for us that really helped.

Have you tried couples therapy? I found it really useful, both I working through issues that we had but also enabling us to communicate better. You haven’t had one LTB yet so it’s probably worth chucking a bit of cash at this and seeing if it helps.

Why did you decide to have a second child when your relationship was suffering after the birth of your first child?

I just feel that he's not the father that I had hoped he would be

This comes up time and time and time again! Many men (and women) love the idea of having kids but when the reality of it all dawns on them they crave their lives as it was before and disengage.

Why did you both have a second child together?

Suggest you seek to arrange couple’s counselling. You say he’d be angry, wouldn’t like it, but you are angry about and don’t like his behaviour. What alternatives does he suggest?

YANBU to be angry and want him to make changes in his parenting if he’s lax on safety, but YABU to want him to view his time with DC as “special time” and hardly be on his phone. Plenty of adequate parents don’t enjoy the evening routine with tiny DC and go on phones a bit while parenting.

IME sleep deprivation, tiredness, relentlessness and physicality of parenting reduces a lot as DC get older - although think you’re 3 or 4 years away from that yet!

“Mental load” and work/life balance hasn’t yet got easier, for me: late primary aged DC, no local family.

@MunsteadWood

I think our situations are similar on several levels... my husband probably also not happy with the lack of sex (and I the lack of intimacy) but I suppose sexual attraction comes back once the emotional ties are stronger? At the moment we're not intimate at all, and I think it strangely started when we found out we were expecting DC2. Maybe husband finds it weird to be physically intimate with me being pregnant??

We've basically reached a point where we don't really talk about our problems, but what you have suggested in terms of talking outside the household environment sounds like a really good idea, walks, special dinners etc. I will plan to do that.

I've also found that just writing this post has been helpful, for letting things out, and for getting reassurance from people that there are things that I can do to try to salvage the situation. We've been better the past week or so, and I hope things are on the up.

When is your DC2 due and how's the pregnancy so far?

@Loopytiles In a way I feel there's more pressure when children start school (DC attends nursery full time atm and we both work full time), though less physically exhausting, yes.

@mummmmeee I almost find the idea of putting to paper harder than talking! But that might just be me. Our sex life is non-existent at the moment, husband went off it after I became pregnant and I was never particularly keen, though I do miss being intimate. What was the reason for your lack of sex life, was it something that your husband just never realised was a problem until you wrote that letter?