Would you tell your violent ex husbands new gf the truth?

[Aryaneedle]

Bit of a weird one. And I feel REALLY anxious and nervous 😩

Last night my friend saw my ex husband out with his new gf, who is my friends good friend. My friend knows what my ex did to me so he went over and told her and told her if she didn't believe him she could confirm it with my best friend who is all of our mutual friend IYSWIM.

I do know of his new gf, she went out with my ex from years ago and has a child with him, it's a small town!! I have met her a few times.

My friend knows that my ex raped me, hit me (broke bones etc) and controlled me financially and was exceptionally emotionally abusive, the police were involved. My friend is really worried for his friend, last night was the first time he met him and he was taken aback by how polite, nice and well spoken my ex seemed. He is to everyone else but was a horror with me, this is something I really struggle with We split up in 2014. Both my friend and my best friend saw the fall out of the abuse and how it nearly undid me.

I still have to see exH once a week as he collects our two dcs on a Saturday night. I am still quite scared of him. I have a new partner of a year and he supports me to feel safe and is always around when exH picks up the dcs from my house as he can be verbally abusive when he sees me alone but is charming and polite in front of others.

I know I'll get flamed for this but I am really scared of giving his new gf information about what he did to me 1. Because it will be poking a bear with a stick

1. I do not want my dc's to see/hear any abuse, I've worked so hard to protect them. And I have to let him see them, it is court ordered before I get questioned why he has contact
2. I genuinely believe he was abusive to me because he hated me. I'm not sure he would be like this towards another woman. He said my childhood sexual abuse was my fault, as I make people want to hurt me and whilst I know this is ridiculous as I was a child part of me still thinks he is right and I do cause others to hurt me.

4) only two people know my exH raped me. My friend and best friend. I really don't want this to be made public as my family don't know and my dad is undergoing treatment for cancer. I am already tarred with a rape victim tag from my childhood in our town (the perpetrator assaulted a few girls) and if this gets out people are just going g to think I'm already a total fuck up. 5) I'm a social worker now and I do not want this impacting on my career.

Please can someone give me some clear advice. I'm so upset by this and feel like Pandora's box is going to open again when I've just got it shut. Sorry this is so long. Didn't want to drip feed.

You are not obliged to help others to the detriment and endangerment of yourself.

If telling the girlfriend will put you in danger and unravel the life you have managed to build, I wouldn't. Perhaps - as police were involved in your case - your friends could suggest new gf put in a Claire's Law request.

It really depends.

I would imagine he has already painted you as a head case. Who tries to get women to dump him by spreading lies.

Personally, it's rare for the new girlfriend to believe the ex.

And sometimes we have to put ourselves first.

You're under no pressure at all to disclose anything.

If you are feeling intimidated or scared by it, don't say anything. She's been told by a friend, who can back it up.

You can be left out of it entirely.

I'm sorry you're in this position OP.

Sorry I didn't mean to imply nobody is putting you under pressure, I wrote that really badly.

What I mean is that nobody has the right to pressure you, and you're under no obligation to put yourself in harm's way for anyone else. She's an adult, who's been told the truth. It's up to her what she does with that information, you and your kids are priority for you.

I wouldn’t get in touch myself

If she gets in touch of simply suggest she speaks to the police

Look after yourself

Thank you. My gut feeling is to stay out of it. I am panicking because I feel unsafe. I think asking my best friend to just state to her 'I would advise you to request a Claire's Law disclosure' and leave it at that.

Look after yourself, if he’s charming then he will have prepared her for your “crazy stories” that the police mysteriously believed.

It went to MARAC and was considered high risk so the information is there for her to access and decide for herself. Thank you MN in my panic I didn't even think about Clare's Law.

I wouldn't no. I too have an unstable ex. I think friends will probably let her know though. It's not for you to take this on.

The Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme works two ways - Right to Ask (comes from the partner) and Right to Know (comes from a concerned third party.) You could request on her behalf. If the relevant department in the police believes she should be told, a disclosure will be completed. You won't know if this has been done or even if she accepted it but if it sets your mind at rest, it might be worth doing.

Could this have an impact on your job OP? Whether you let the current GF know or not. I know nothing about rules or ethics for social workers - would there be any guidance for you? Are you duty bound to "help" the new GF?

Just a different perspective. Your distress and wish to protect your children is obvious from your posts. Glad you have solid friendships supporting you

OP, may I raise a side issue, quite apart from telling the new GF?
I’m concerned that you seem to be self blaming for what happened to you, both as a child and then again from your ex.
You appear to have swallowed his gaslighting shit about provoking people to hurt you, that you are somehow responsible for being assaulted and raped, and that if this is made public it will affect your reputation or make people think less of you.
Please, see a counsellor and get help to ditch this damaging poison from your mind.
You are definitely NOT the cause of any of your abuse. This is standard, victim blaming, abuser’s script. They excuse their own violence by saying you drove them to it, it’s what you deserve, etc.

You need support and help to recognise this misogyny for what it is and leave it behind. You deserve respect and admiration for surviving such a tough life, and self respect is included in that. God bless.

Agree with @Babdoc ,I was going ti put similar myself.x

Also agree with @babdoc here. Please do not internalise the bullshit he has fed you about it being your fault. Yes he probably did hate you but he hated you because of your good points (makes no sense I know). These men hate everyone and everything because of their deep seated inferiority complex and internal self loathing. It's all part of the gaslighting and control when they try to pin all the blame for their behaviour onto you.

You don't have a responsibility to notify the new partner (professional or otherwise). You notified the police of his abuse when it happened and you cant spend your life being his keeper and protecting other women from him. She is able to request Claire's law and hopefully she will come to the realisation in her own time that he is abusive.

Sadly, he has probably already told her it was you that was crazy and abusive so if you then turn up pleading her to leave him, she will have only seen his 'nice' side at this stage and it will just make her more likely to believe his lies and stay with him. Nearly all abusive men do this to stop women from talking to each other as he will be working hard to build a facade of a 'nice guy' and he will protect that fiercely (so yes, you may be retargeted by him of you become involved).

My exH is extremely violent and abusive and luckily me and my DC have no contact now. I'm also a healthcare professional so it's hard to take a step back and watch another women walk into that nightmare but he's not my responsibility and never was (despite making me feel that way for many years).

Men like this are unable to change so it is likely he will be abusive to every women he encounters but really what we need is better protection for women generally so that previous victims of abuse dont feel like it is their job to protect other women. It's a sad state of affairs as conviction rates are abysmal. If you do Claire's law on my ex, he was only successfully prosecuted of assaulting me once in 16 years although the actual number of reports that were dropped due to "insufficient evidence' are far higher. I fear it will be easy for him to explain it away as a 'one off' to a new victim but I know the truth. Any women that dates him is in real serious danger and theres nothing i can do about it.

Another adding agreement with Babdoc here, they have it spot on.

last night was the first time he met him and he was taken aback by how polite, nice and well spoken my ex seemed

Yeah. My ex many years ago said the same about my physically, emotionally, sexually abusive dad.

Abusers are charming. It's how they get away with it.

No it’s never occurred to me to do this

Abusers are charming. It's how they get away with it.

This! My XH even squeezed out tears and managed to sit in court shaking while playing the wide eyed innocent.

He was convincing enough to convince a jury.

Doesn't mean he wasn't an evil evil bastard.

He even had my Mum fooled, she sided with him for years after I left him. It took long, difficult (on both sides) conversations while she was having treatment for cancer (why we got back in touch) for her to realise the truth. I don't blame her, he WAS convincing. Made me look neurotic and paranoid.

I just wanted to say Getting through horrific childhood abuse and severe domestic abuse and rape getting qualified , working and reading your children and showing such concern and compassion for another... you are an amazing woman.

You are a surviver well done. Agree with Babdoc. Keep yourself safe. Will his gf believe you anyway?

Thank you all.

My primary focus, as it has always been, is keeping my children safe and I have to put them first and minimise any risk. So my friends are both clear that they direct her to Clare's Law if she wants info and that's it.

I know I have more work to do on my psychology. I find therapy so painful and only get so far with it and then abandon. I've never really gone into proper depth of trauma as I have focussed on trying to correct my script by safeguarding children personally and professionally. I need to come to terms with things much more and the utter terror I felt last night indicates I'm still traumatised. I can't help feeling responsible for her but I have to put that aside

On a night out
Your friend went over to this woman, whilst she was out with your ex, and told her about the abuse your endured.

One a night out. When she was actually with your ex.

FFS your friend is utterly stupid

As for your involvement

I’d be very concerned about my children. How old are they? Are they old enough to articulate what they experience whilst at your ex’s?

I was just coming on to say about the Clare's Law disclosure thing.

If this was me I would contact the police and see if there was something that they could do using Clare's Law. I would say that I was concerned about this woman and believe she is in real danger.

However, he will have already prepared his stories about his crazy ex who used to make up shit about him. She might not even believe the police, depending on what he's told her.

He didn't give her the details, he spoke to her when ex was at the toilet and said; 'You do know that is Aryaneedles ex? The one who was really abusive. You have to careful' she denied knowing me (she does know of me as we have loads of mutual friends and I have met her 3/4 times). I'm not happy with my friend, he told her about the rape and I do feel like he's put me in danger sharing trust, yes.

My children are 8 and 11. I have been to court and they gave him contact. I do not want to initiate anything or request anything. I just can't do it. I'm too scared he will find out.