DS is missing my toxic mum

[Chocrichtea]

He is 3. And has had a close bond with her. Atm she is giving me the silent treatment and has blocked me. I've come to realise over the past week that she is a narcissist. Always knew my up bringing and family life weren't right. Now it makes sense. Part of me wants to go NC. But I feel awful for my DS who keeps crying and asking to see her. I don't know what to tell him or if I should go to theirs for his sake but just not talk to them and leave.

No. He is all cute and lovely at 3. But wait til
He is 10 and has an opinion of his own. Then it will be bad.

Or she will start the ‘oh isn’t mummy mean?’ ‘Come to granny, i will
Protect you from mean mummy’.

Tell him that granny has been mean to mummy and refuses to apologise and that when someone is treating you badly, you move away from that person. That it is sad that she isn’t around, but when someone is mean you don’t stick around.

Put it in term he would understand at 3 and how you would want him to deal with toxic.

Thanks. Yea I didn't think about when he's older actually. He obviously goes along with Every thing she says as he's 3 but yes when I was older and had an opinion that's when her and my DF didn't like it. She has very strong racial views which I absolutely hate! Along with other strong views that her and DF have.
I've had to tell her a few time to not boss him around as he's my.son not hers.
My Dsis is about to her a baby. She has already bitched to me about the baby. Saying she will love them both the same. But I see her doing the same to the 2 grandchildren as me and Dsis. Golden child and scapegoat. Luckily me and Dsis never turned against each other.

I would chat to your sis about how she is with your son now, before the baby is born. Hopefully she can keep and eye out.

The fact that you are restricting access might make her child the golden child by default so it will be good to be able to recognise it early

I feel my Dsis is ok with me but since she's the "golden child" now and in the scape goat as I'm not listening to get "advice" then my Dsis doesn't want to hear what I have to say. I think secretly my Dsis is happy I'm out of the picture as she gets all my DM attention that she didn't get when we were young. She isn't nasty to me about it but I know she gets jealous. It's all so messed up the dynamic of the family. I do not want my DS going through it and I also don't want his cousin poisoned against him when he's older.

Any advice? I'm finding it really tough

He's 3. He isn't a good judge of character right now.

Just keep him busy and distracted, with lots of other positive people in his life he can bond with and eventually you will see it through.

He's a little kid, he doesn't know what's best for himself. It's your job to protect him. And in this case, the thing you are protecting him from, is your mother. She is the person she is, there will be no miracle that stops her continuing the dysfunctional dynamic to the next generation. You're doing the right thing.

Keep diverting his attention away from your mum with something fun that he enjoys. It will stop with time.

I would also advise you start doing some more reading on the golden child versus scapegoat dynamics. From my reading it’s generally thought that life is harder for the golden child and they are far more damaged then the scapegoat. The stately homes thread is a gold mine for resources and extra support from people who have been there.

Your sister has to go on her own journey, but my guess is she will soon struggle with the golden child mantle, especially if she sees it being played out on her own children.

Decide on your own boundaries with your mum, stick to them but keep communication with your sister open.

Thank you, I had a wobble this morning. Just feel very lonely and very guilty for my son as he keeps crying to see her. I feel like the bad guy but I know I'm not deep down.

Oh really I didn't realise that about the golden child. I always assumed the scapegoat would struggle more. I've just seen pictures of my parents with friends last night looking happy and I just think it's all false because that's not who they are behind closed doors.

There is an old thread called ‘my mother hates my husband’ or similar by a poster called badtoworse.

She was the golden child while brother was the scapegoat and her mother has assigned her son as the gc.

Her brother was in a much better state emotionally while she was struggling with boundaries.

GC can become narcs themselves or have crippling anxiety due to the pressure of having to always succeed. It is a tough way to be brought up. Forming relationships can also be hard.

How much research have you don’t into the dynamic? As I said the stately homes thread is helpful. The first few post will give you resources and the posters will help you work out where you are and help you understand you aren’t alone. Some parts will be more helpful then others. Just depends on how your particular dynamic worked out.

FWIW. My mother will have nothing to do with my children.