As the title says, I love him but I don’t think it’s the way I’m meant to love him???
I’m late 40’s, my husband has just turned 50 and we have been together since I was 14. I’m not sure if I don’t feel the same for him because of how he has treated me in the past or if this is just how a marriage that has lasted this long is just the way it’s meant to be. This might be long, so bear with me.
So, I come from a childhood where my mum and dad were drug addicts and alcoholics, there was some domestic abuse, my siblings and I were neglected. I was bullied at school by the “popular girls” because I didn’t have the nice clothes, I was a mess. As I got older, I tried my best to make the best of me as I could, but I had really low self esteem (and I still do). I was always big busted, the boys round the village used to shout “here comes big tits” and there was many times when I would be cornered and the boys would hold my arms down, when another one would feel me up. I never told my parents, or anyone in the family.
When I met my now DH, I told him and he sorted it out, I was never bothered again.
When I met my now DH I adored him, he was a light in my life and I would have done anything for him. I knew I loved him way more than he loved me, and it was like that for a very long time even many years into our marriage. Thinking back I think I thought he was my hero and I felt this way because he kind of like rescued me.
Back then, DH knew how I felt about him, and would use that to his advantage, whenever I did something that annoyed him. He would say “you deserve to be punished”, he wouldn’t talk to me, he would tell me he would see me, but then not turn up, threaten to finish with me! He did eventually stop being like this as often, but I knew he did love me.
We ended up getting married and I was so glad to get away from my parents as it meant I could finally relax, I wasn’t lying in my bed worrying about what was going to happen when my parents came home from the pub drunk or took drugs.
As time has went on, DH has gotten better, but there will still be times when he will go into a terrible mood and say horrible things if I have done something wrong. If he has had an argument with someone, and I don’t agree with him, he gets very argumentative and I get a bit scared and I back off (he has never hit me but he has punched holes in the walls or broken furniture although it hasn’t been often, but this affects me badly because of what I witnessed when I was young with my mum and dad).
Has has had an affair in the past and he basically blamed me for it, I was a mess, I was fat, I acted like an old women, he wanted a trophy wife!!!!!he didn’t want to talk about it, he told me never to mention it again, I wasn’t to tell anyone or we were finished. I did shout and scream when I found out about this, I threw him out the house but we did get back together again. I remember when he had his affair I was devastated. It was like I was worth absolutely nothing to anyone in the whole wide world. My parents let me down, and my DH let me down, I was worthless.
Since DH’s affair, we have worked very hard (and it’s been more than 10 since) but sometimes I will talk about it and he says he knows it’s the elephant in the room, it’s is the biggest regret he has ever had (of course he still minimises it, and says he only kissed her, but my gut feeling is it was much much more and I think he was still seeing her after I found out) He has changed so much since the affair and it’s like he is a different man, as if he realises what he has done and I do think he really regrets it.
Now the tables have turned. I do love my husband and I won’t leave him, he is very good to me, helps me round the home, we have no issues with money, helps me with the kids, I can come and go as I please, will bring me home little presents and phones me to say how much he loves me etc, but I know he loves me more than I love him. He’s still a good looking man to me, but I don’t want to jump into bed with him. I don’t fancy him but I love him.
I would rather go out with my friends than him, I have way more fun out with my friends than him.
I am always thinking what it would be like to be with someone else so I’m having those sort of regrets that I missed out in all that part of life.
I think I got married so young (19) because I wanted to get away from my parents, I remember thinking is this what I really want a few months before the wedding. I also think my feelings have changed for him because I keep thinking of the things he’s done wrong over the last 30+ years and I even think to myself did I actually really properly love him when we got married or did I just worship him because he kind of rescued me!!!!!
So I guess what I’m asking is is this normal or am I just having a mid life crisis kind of thing now???
Thank you if you have read this far.