About a year ago I was approached by a man I know who confessed feelings for me. He told me he had rarely in his life experienced a "connection" like we had and made his attraction very clear. I feel the same but he is married and so I immediately told him that under no circumstances would I have an affair - that I would consider a relationship only if he was single, living separately, and there was clear space of a few months between the end of one relationship and the beginning of another. I honestly believed he was a decent sort, and as such assumed that he had made one dick move because his marriage was coming to a natural end and he was serious about me. He acknowledged that he could not pursue anything while he remained married and that "he didn't know what was going to happen." So that was that and contact between us ended.
Over the year he got in touch a couple of times: on my birthday and at Christmas, under the guise of just wanting to wish me a happy one. Each time I thought perhaps he was getting in touch to say he was now in a position to be able to spend time with me, but that wasn't the case so contact ended again as I don't think it's appropriate for us to be messaging really. Six or so months ago I finally came to the painful realisation that he fully intended to stay married and so went to work on accepting that and trying to put it all behind me. I did everything Mumsnet recommends: got a new hobby, threw myself into exercise and work, made time for friends etc. But I was pretty sad to be honest.
A few weeks ago I saw him again socially (first time in just over a year.) I was expecting nervous civility but he was on me like glue all evening, squeezing in next to me even when it was clear that people were shifting up to make room for him elsewhere; seeking me out; asking me for a hug goodbye whilst just waving to everyone else. It was to the point that a friend came over to say she noticed he kept on making a bee line for me - did I want her to subtly intervene?
The next day I messaged him saying his behaviour had been inappropriate, that I accepted he wished to remain married, but that meant he had to leave me alone. I reiterated that I would never consider an affair and that I found his behaviour confusing and hurtful. I got a load of gaslighting and denial back (he was just being "friendly" etc.) I called him out on this bollocks and he then admitted he still had feelings, that he thought I was "absolutely beautiful" and made some mention of his thoughts being "rude and X-rated." I mean for gods sake, I'm not going there.
I asked him why was he risking a 20 year marriage and a happy life? Either do the right thing and leave one relationship before you try to begin another, or commit to your marriage and leave me be. I asked why are you doing this? You are confusing me (who actually has genuine feelings) and betraying your wife. And he did not answer.
So contact has ended again and I have made a decision that that is the end of any attempt at continued civility. I will not even reply politely to pleasantries in the future. We can't pretend to be friends. But I am left feeling like absolute shit. I'm gutted because I would have wanted a relationship had the circumstances been appropriate, but more I wonder: what did he think of me? That I would be some meaningless fuck on the side? Is that the vibe I give off? That I don't care about myself?
Just why do they do it? I honestly thought he was a decent bloke who genuinely felt for me. People really like him and consider him to be a good man - a family man. One mutual friend that I have confided in can hardly believe it of him. Why risk your marriage if you don't even care? For a shag with a different view? Seriously? Is it worth it?
I do not get it. I will never get it.