I’m so haunted by my past

[ilovestevienicks]

I’ve been with my husband for 7 years, married 2. We have a 5 month old daughter. I’m so happy with things but I have recently not been able to get things that happened years ago out of my head. I find myself waking up boiling hot in the night and sometimes like I just want to take ambien to knock myself sedate so as to escape my thoughts, sorry if that sounds dramatic. I slept around at uni a lot before DH and I met and wasn’t the nicest person, due to terribly low self esteem I suppose - I could get over this but when we met I didn’t know he would go on to be my husband and a few weeks after he asked me out I had this terrible encounter with somebody I knew, coerced sex that I didn’t want, lay there like a piece of meat. I question whether it was coerced or if that’s how I’m choosing to remember it so as not be overwhelmed with guilt, though I still am terribly overwhelmed with guilt and shame and self disgust. I have never done anything at all untoward since and love my husband so much but feel that he deserves so much more than me. I’m not asking people to say you did nothing wrong because I know I did, but only for practical tips on how to overcome the overwhelming horror of past behaviour and mistakes? I am scared that ‘coming clean’ would rip my family apart.

I think you might need professional help. You didn't know that one of the men you were seeing would become your DH - a few weeks in, he was barely even a boyfriend.

Coercive sex is rape. Maybe you were coerced, maybe you've given this a label to make your actions more acceptable to yourself... but it doesn't actually matter. You didn't cheat on your husband. Obsessing over it now will drive you mad.

Btw, is it possible that you have post-partum depression, and this is how it is manifesting? Did you obsess over this incident before you were pregnant?

I agree, you aren’t in a committed relationship after 2 weeks. No guilt needed. Different times, different priorities and different choices. You made a choice to pursue this relationship and it was the right one for you.

I agree with @funnylittlefloozie, I’d say this is probably linked to the birth of your daughter as in hormones and possible post partum depression, manifesting itself in this way. Or at the very least, extreme tiredness.

If a dear friend came to you and laid out the same story, what would you say to them?

Have you spoken to anyone about it?
I was thinking of a counsellor. Ime the only way to come to terms with distressing thoughts and memories is to open up to someone and after that time heals. I've never told family certain things but saw a counsellor.

You’re being terribly hard on yourself. I genuinely don’t think what you describe warrants such strong feelings of shame, guilt and self-disgust.

But if you feel these things no amount of people telling you that you have no need to feel that way will make any difference (bad sentence but hopefully you know what I mean).

I used to feel terrible shame abt some previous bad behaviour. I dealt with it/got over it by understanding that society wants women to feel guilty and ashamed and crippled by self loathing. I got angry instead.

Please try to be kind to yourself. Treat yourself the way you’d treat a lovely friend. You sound lovely. Ditch these irrational feelings if you can and enjoy your husband and your daughter.