I feel like my mum really hates me

[flightattendant]

She seems to see me as very like her own mother, which is not a good thing.
I'm really not but it's upsetting me to the point where I just feel like I'm a bad person.

Mum has been great since my first boy was born, 4 years ago - I wasn't with the father and she became a second 'parent' almost to ds.
The trouble is it's as if she cannot see me any more - she is very emotional as a person and I think overidentifies with him, in that he can never do wrong, it's always my fault.

It's worse since I became pregnant with ds2 (now 7 weeks old) as she took it as a personal insult to ds1. It's true he's struggled a bit as this father was also not around (he turned nasty when I was pg) and I've felt awful about the effect on ds1 as well, and she has been constant for him, a real rock when I was unable to be there due to sickness etc.

But I'm getting really upset about it now. It seems like she really doesn't want to bond with, or like, my younger son - of course she is wrapped up in the elder one, so it would be limited anyway - but she often mocks the baby or says negative things about him.
I remember being similarly treated when I was little, always felt she didn't like me, and perhaps saw the bad side of herself reflected in me, while she idolised my elder sister. But since I grew up, it's me she is close to and my sister she doesn't get on with.

I think she is repeating the pattern in not liking my younger son. But it's more than that. The other week she was on at me in a major way for telling off the elder one, when he was hitting me - it was like she was comparing me to her own mother, who used to hit her and shout at her, never showed warmth or love - I'm not like that! But she says 'Oh my mum used to do that and it really affected me' etc. Almost with tears in her eyes.

She gives my elder son sweets and cakes all the time when I try to ask her not to - she has very fat pets too!!! - she seems to think he'll be hurt if he doesn't get everything he wants.

But this morning I was asking her something, while she was reading to him, and she blatantly ignored me for several minutes. It was awful! Ds1 sometimes ignores me at home and I wonder if this is why. I felt like I'm juts the evil mother in her eyes, and she wants Ds1 to love HER as if she is rescuing him from an awful fate iyswim?

What would you do? I'm heavily reliant on her and god knows I appreciate her help, but this is a bit hard to take.

Thanks if you got htis far xx

I just feel like I have a big voice shouting at me in my head, 'I AM A CRAP PARENT' and it makes me so low in confidence that I get angry quicker with the boys, or don't want to go out because I feel like I'm being judged by strangers in the street.

Can this really be because of my mum? I would hate to break the bond ds1 has with her but sometimes feel like I need to get away?

The person with the problem here is your mother. I don't think she hates you, whatever she is putting onto you is a projection of how she feels about herself. You know deep down that people aren't judging you in the street. I think you need to set some boundaries with your mum as to how she speaks about your baby and how she gives ds treats. If she breaks them then maybe you have to restrict contact. The bond she has with your ds1 may not be in his long-term interest. You say you rely on your mum - I felt like that about my dad but actually I'd got into the habit of relying on him and now I live away from where he does I get on fine (and we get on fine too).

Get a book called 'Loving what Is' by Byron Katie from Amazon - it shows you how to question what you believe about relationships and changes your thinking radically. Really, it's changed my life for the better.

Wow thankyou. That puts it in perspective I think you're right. I need to separate what she thinks from my own feelings and get on with it really!

Your mum thinking something is the case doesn't make it true.

You are the parent here, you hold the power, unfortunately for her, and she had her turn with her children.

Hiya hun,

I can really symaphise with you on this one, mine was a very similar one. I wont bore you with my whole life history but basically my mum was the same yrs ago, she didn't favour siblings to me as I was an only child but she did favour her partners which hurt and affected me greatly for many yrs.

In the end I left home and we didn't speak for some yrs, we eventually got back in touch when I was expecting DD1, I called her to say I was expecting because I didn't want her to hear it from someone else. I didn't expect much but she did come to see me and ask if there was anything she could do for me. We began to build bridges and although it's been a bit rocky over the yrs we now have a good relationship.

However when DD1 was born both my mum and my grandmother adored her and would do anything for her, both spoilt her rotten and totally ignored all my requests not to feed her up on sweets and junk. I was made to feel like I was totally useless and everything I did was wrong and not the way they would do it. It hurt me so much but no matter what I said it went unheard/ignored. Eventually I realised that no matter what I said they would always be the same and I learned to cope with it the best I could.

When DD2 and consequent children came along there was a massive difference in the way they where with them, it felt like they were just bystanders and never got the same love, attention, approval as DD1 got, the hurt and feelings of low self worth came back all over again. One day I decided that I couldn't change the way other people were I could only change me and went for counselling to help me deal with my feelings. It made me a much stronger person and more able to deal with the situation. 99% of it then went over my head and I learned to except them for what/who they were.

My DH would get annoyed about it and say it was clear they favoured DD1 and as the kids get older they certainly picked up on it. It was very difficult because they would want DD1 to stay over for the night or weekend but not the others and she would come with bags of sweets, new clothes, toys etc but nothing for the others. DD1 became very stroppy and would play us off against each other and if I said no they always said yes.

My grandmother as now passed away and over the yrs of me becoming stronger and refusing DD1 to stay over and get what she wanted all the same if she didn't do the same for the others things have now changed. I had to stay firm and eventually mum realised I wasn't prepared to put up with it anymore and now she see's and treats all her GC the same. She never buys one without treating them all and she now has them all over to stay.

it's really hard and you have to stay calm and firm about what you want, if she continues to treat you in this way and won't listen to you then I'd write her a letter explaining that if she's not prepared to listen and take notice of your needs then you have no alternative but to stop all contact with her until she is prepared to listen and take notice of you. Her behaviour towards you by ignoring you is just reinforcing to your son that it's OK to do so and it is NOT !

No one has the right to make you feel this way, you sound like you've had a really rough time with partners as well and could really do with some love and support.

Don't blame yourself this is HER problem, not yours xx

Stillcrying, thankyou so much for your insightful post. It ust have been hard to write and has really helped me see things in a new light, sorry I didn't reply yesterday but every time I switched on the computer my baby would start up and I'd have one hand to type with!
It's hard to believe a grandparent could be so unfair in her treatment of your little ones, but I imagine they can now see her as she is and know it wasn't how things should be - because you were such a strong woman standing up to it.
I had a long talk with mum yesterday, she apologised for what she had done and said she finds it difficult to keep the right balance and does love him 'a bit too much' in the sense she's afraid she'll hurt him if she denies him anything...she's a pisces and her boundaries are very 'watery' !!!
She agreed that it wasn't right to ignore me and I explained how much I feel affected by what she says.
I think we got somewhere, I hope so as I do love her and so does Ds1. I didn't mention Ds2 again but will keep an eye on it as I said something last week and think she is trying to be nice to him.
Meanwhile I'm going to be nice to both of them!
You have all helped me feel stronger, that I don't need to be under her thumb all the time and can strive to be a good mum in my own right.
Thankyou xx

flightattendant, you don't need to strive to be a good mum, you are a good mum. Your mother is stuck in the past which she is making into your future. The past and future don't exist, all we have is the here and now. You are living in the present with your lovely dss. Glad things are better. xxx

Flightattendant - I was going to suggest that you showed your OP to you mother but am glad you were able to talk to her. Now that the conversation has been had it may open the doors for more talking - it is obv you mother was very affected by her relationship with her own mother.

My mother had a very difficult relationship with her mother who idolised me when I was born. She somehow managed to be the first person to hold me and that was it. We think that she "had" to get married and my Mum was the result as she had no time for her but was totally different with my Mum's younger brother and my Mum was supposedly 5 weeks premature.

I was the only one for 5 years and then my two sisters came along on quick succession. My grandmother spoilt me rotten which my sisters obv started to notice. It all came to a head one day when my Dad was there as my grandmother arrived laden down with stuff for me and with a bar of choc for my sisters. My Dad - known for his temper - exploded and threatened to throw her out unless she treated us all the same. He told here that she would not see any of us unless it all stopped. It did.

I think I was about 10 at the time - old enough to remember anyway. But it did affect how my sisters felt about her and they never had the same relationship with her that I did which was a shame.

Good luck with it all.

I'd pop that in a letter under a banner headline of 'I appreciate that I am rather hormonal since the birth of DS2 but I need you to understand how I'm feeling because I love you. So even if this doesn't make sense to you, please appreciate I am saying it because its how I'm feeling and I'd like us to try and work on it together so that I can feel normal'

then end it with an

' I love you. I need your help. We need you.'

sign-off

oh FlightAttendant well done .. face on confrontations are so much more difficult .. it sounds like you've had an excellent start to changing her attitudes

flightattendant,

I think you need to put some distants between you and your mother for a while. You need a chance to establish your own parenting style without someone making you feel like crap everytime you make a decision. I also feel alot of concern for ds2 and how he is going to feel insufficient because she gives ds1 more loving.

You have to tell her, either she respects you as a parent or you have to distance yourself for a while.

flightattendant - you already sound like a good mum to me

I'm so glad you spoke to your mum about your feelings, keep those channels of communication open and keep praising her when she does or behaves in a way you approve of to reinforce your needs to her and let her know you appreciate her support. It is difficult at times but at least your mum seems to have listened to you this time.

I hope ds2 is more settled for you today

Take care and keep strong xx (((hugs)))