Time to let things go?

[Notapropernorthernlass]

Hi, I've name changed for this but posted about the situation at new year under a different name. I can't remember what name though!

I have a ds who is 4. I found out I was pregnant a week after ending the relationship with his dad and he wasn't interested at all. Wanted me to have an abortion. Said he'd considered suicide because a baby would ruin him financially. He has seen ds once since he's been born. 3 years ago now. My ex has 2 other sons aged 18 and 25 (both to different women). He was married to the 18 year old's mum (divorced now for about 12 years) and she has sent presents at Christmas for the past few years. She has said she's tried to persuade her son to meet his brother but has said he's been poisoned against me by his dad. 4 years ago they were supposed to visit but because I said no to him bringing his girlfriend then they pulled out of the visit. Ds was 8 months old at that point and for both him and me to have had 3 strangers in the house would have been too much given the situation. It would have been difficult for my daughters too who can't understand why ds's dad doesn't care about their brother who they adore.

So since then there was talk last Christmas of us meeting up this summer. I've heard nothing and had said at Christmas I would leave things up to them to arrange if the 18 yo decided he wanted to meet his brother. I didn't want to push things and appreciated it needed to be up to him.

A few months ago I contacted the 25 yo to say about meeting up and he was all for it. He even said he'd book time off work if I gave him enough notice. I've heard nothing from him either.

I'm at the point now where I'm thinking I just need to let go of ds ever meeting that side of his family. He has grandparents too but no interest from them. His grandmother didn't even respond to my message. His dad just wasn't interested (I knew his dad but not his mum and have known my ex for 28 years). He has a fair few aunts and uncles too.

My ds asks me why his dad isn't nice. Why he doesn't like or love him. He sees all his friends with a dad and doesn't understand why he doesn't have one or rather has one who doesn't see him.

At new year I asked his dad if he wanted to see him and he said he needed to think what to say so as not to say the wrong thing. I've not heard anything since. I've given up completely on him but do wonder if giving up on the brothers would be unreasonable?

My ds is the best thing that ever happened to me and I consider myself extremely lucky to have him. He is loved so much by me and his sisters and my mum. He is an absolute joy and it hurts that his paternal side of the family can just pretend he doesn't exist.

Is it time to just let go of the hope that he'll ever meet them or have any kind of relationship with them?

Anybody?

I am sorry that he is able to just walk away from your son.
You need to do what right for your son and only your son. If his dad hasn’t come back to you in nearly 9 months, he’s not going to.
Please try to stop thinking about them, their behaviour says everything about them and nothing about you. Raise your son to be the man his father isn’t.
Good luck

I don't think it's reasonable to expect anything from this man or any of the rest of his family. They know you would welcome their involvement in your DS's life so make sure they know then leave it at that. And try not to think about them. They don't sound very kind or responsible people.

The more important thing is how your DS feels about his DF. Children grow up without DFs all the time, for many reasons. You know your son and what explanation will best. I think it might be wise to inject a bit of realism - say that his DF isn't very nice which is why he doesn't live with you.

If at some point your Ex starts talking an interest you can always say that he's become a nicer person and how lovely that is. But if the man persists in being a waste of space you've kinda inoculated your DS from hurt by keeping his expectations low.

Thank you. His father is indeed a waste of space and I've completely given up on him. It's the brothers I'm thinking about. If one got in touch tomorrow I'd not want to let them meet ds because I'd be thinking how dare they take 4 years to show an interest. What's changed that all of s sudden they want to meet him. Anyone else in the family would be ignored completely as apart from the grandad I don't know them, but the two lads would be hard to say no to. I'd feel guilty and mean and be unsure if I was doing right by ds. They are adults now and are free to make their own decisions separate from their dad. The eldest one has very little to do with his dad as he can't stand him. He didn't see him for the first few years of his life either. Be claims due to being threatened by the lads uncle but who knows. It makes me wonder what crap he comes up with about why he doesn't see ds.

I feel like I'm just waiting for either the lads themselves to get in touch, or the younger ones mum. I'm sure she'll send gifts at Christmas again but it upsets me to be honest. She's trying her best to establish sone kind of relationship but ds has no idea who they are. He's seen a couple of photos but that's it. As he gets older he'll ask more questions and be fobbed off less easily. At the moment he knows they live far away (100 miles so not that far) and that is why we don't see them. He accepts that at the moment although still gets upset that his dad doesn't see him.

In my mind I think I need to take control and say enough is enough. When ds is older if he wants to look them up he can do.

In my mind I think I need to take control and say enough is enough. When ds is older if he wants to look them up he can do.

Well, from what you say, unless one of the brothers come through unexpectedly that's what the end result will be, whatever you do.

I think I'd make sure they know they're welcome but not mention it to your DS. Then just get on with it. Enjoy your life and each other. Don't think about them. As you say,. your DS can always locate them when he's older - if he wants to

I've made it very clear they are welcome and that we hope to meet up. We sent a birthday card and money down via his mum's for his 18th and it wasn't even acknowledged. In the card ds said he hoped to meet him soon so I think it's really shit he didn't respond.
Just thinking about this has got me quite angry tonight. I don't understand how anyone can ignore a child like this. His dad yes, he's a fucktard, but the lads were nice lads when I knew them.
I don't think I'll ever understand people in general. I find them very odd.

They're young guys with their own lives and concerns, probably a bit self-absorbed, and they're just not that interested in a little child, half-brother or not.

It's no point getting worked up about it or resentful, and I wouldn't cut them off out of anger. Leave the door open to them, and if they make moves to see him eventually, then great, if not, your ds can seek them out when he's old enough if he wants to.

Your ds has you, his sisters and your family - that's more than some.

And you need to stop involving your ds in presents & stuff for the brothers and bringing them into his mind.

Should I just return the gifts sent at Christmas then? Because otherwise I'll have to lie about who they are from.

Why will you have to lie? You just don't have to make a big thing about it, or encourage him think he's likely to see them.

I had relatives I never saw as a kid, I just accepted it. I just get the feeling you've been talking about them meeting to your son when there haven't been any concrete arrangements made, and it's created an expectation that could have been avoided.

No, not the case at all. Ds started asking about his dad in the autumn and then around Christmas asked if he'd visit him. Then presents were delivered by his ex from his other son although it's the ex's doing, not the lad's at all. Maybe now he's 18 she'll stop. Ds asks who has bought him things, randomly, months later when he's playing with things.
Ive never encouraged him to think he'll see then. I've told him they exist, their names, where they live and little bits about them as he wanted to know about who was sending him such amazing gifts (she spends a lot of money on him). I'm not pretending they don't exist and I answer his questions honestly but in a way that will cause him the least hurt. At the moment he accepts that living far away is why he doesn't see them.

Sorry but this is confusing.

So the Xmas presents were from your ex's ex? Even though she's never met your DS? And they were delivered by her DS, who is your DS's half brother?

Presents are from my ex's ex-wife. She buys them but says they are from her ds. They arrive by post. No, they have never met my ds at all.

And yes, her ds is my ds's half brother.

Well, it's the last day of the summer holidays and I've not heard anything. I think for the sake of both ds and myself that it's time to completely give up. They've kept us hanging on in hope for 4.5 years and let us think that they wanted to meet ds. They obviously don't otherwise in all that time they would have done so. Sending an expensive gift at Christmas (yet ignoring his birthday) but having no contact at all, not even by phone or letter, is not "trying to forge a relationship" as ex's ex wife claims. The presents have been lovely and gratefully received but as ds gets older he's wondering why he never sees these people. He doesn't understand how he never sees his brothers. Uncles or aunts yes, but not siblings. He deserves better.

Sorry, me again
Even more confused now and quite honestly frustrated by the situation.
Two weeks ago I had an email from ex's ex wife saying their ds had sent my ds something and that he wanted to meet him. The present arrived and ds was really happy so I emailed back to ask for an address to contact him directly to say thank you. He's 18 and gone to uni so going through his mum seems unnecessary. He's not a child. It's been two weeks and I've not had any reply. It totally screws with my head and is totally unfair on ds who is too young to understand receiving gifts from a brother he's never met. He'd sent a lovely card too and my ds was really excited to receive a card and present in the post. It was very thoughtful and now nothing. I can't stand the lack of consistency (asd) and ds is totally confused by it all.
WWYD?

Anyone?