Time to start again; throwing myself to the mumsnet wolfpack.

[Invisibleson]

Hello, thank you for taking the time to read this. Right; big breath. Here goes.

I'm a divorced man in my late 50's, living alone in London. Almost 30 years ago I met, fell deeply in love with and married the woman of my dreams. I had a very successful, highly paid job in the City, with all the trimmings that went with it. Life as they say, was sweet.

Throughout my life I've suffered with addictions; it can be anything from coffee to gambling, to exercise to sex. The trick is to recognise an addiction when it starts to take a hold, to quickly break it and then avoid the cause until it dies down again (that sometimes means avoid forever) - I see it in my head as smothering a small fire with a fire extinguisher. A trick I learnt from my post-divorce therapy.

Anyhow, the combination of money/power/success when fuelled by addiction can be lethal.

Consequently, despite having a wife I was totally in love with, who brought me two amazing children; I had no angle on or control over my addictions and for 5-long years I partied with drugs, alcohol and prostitutes all hours, which my wife never questioned as she thought I was working pretty much 24/7.

Everything comes to an end; for me I became too casual and when my wife became suspicious as the evidence and my slip-ups mounted up I just held up my hands and confessed when she confronted me.

The fallout - for all of us - was devastating. I lost everything - and I mean everything house/money/job is the tip of the iceberg; the worst thing was losing my family - especially my wife - it just hadn't occurred to me in my warped state of mind that I was "cheating" - I lost seeing my children grow up, I lost the respect of my siblings, broke my parents hearts, lost friends....self-respect, self-confidence, every thing that was good in my life vanished in the blink of an eye.

Only the thought of providing for my children kept me from suicide.

My ex-wife went on to marry someone with whom she is deeply happy; that was 20 years ago now and they are still going strong. I am so pleased for her; I genuinely have no negative or resentful feelings towards her. I have since the very beginning gone out of my way to provide for my children in every way that I could/can through schooling, sharing care, holidays, university etc and they are both now happy/content adults living with partners.

But me? I have never forgiven myself, nor I doubt will I ever. I am still punishing myself even now. My therapy linked a lot of my addition issues in with an unhappy childhood (surprise surprise) the "invisible son" name I give myself represents my need/desire to prove myself to my parents, yet when I let them both down so badly in the end … well. I still can't really go there. That was almost as bad as seeing my wifes face when it dawned on her just what i'd done.

I've tried dating - particularly since my ex remarried, confirming there was absolutely no hope of us reuniting - but my heart was never in it...…. I always worried what would I say when the question "so what happened with you and your ex?" came up. Would I lie, or would I tell the truth as I watched her run away as fast as she can? In the end I dodged the question and inevitably the relationship rarely went beyond a first date. In many ways I was secretly happy that I had no success dating as it sort of added to the self punishment that I thought I deserved.

Then about 3 years ago I just stopped trying and gave up completely.

So why the change of heart? Children that's what. My children. They sat me down a few weeks back and the conversation started awkwardly at first with (more tactful) eldest saying "all that stuff that happened with you an mum was so long ago now dad...." I think though there message to me was maybe I should trust myself not to do it again and to share some of the huge capacity for love that I have which currently feels..... trapped in my heart.

Having poured my heart out then, i'm not asking for your sympathy because (a) I don't deserve and (b) even if I did, thank you but no thanks - instead I'm asking what would you do - if you are a man reading this what would you do if you were me? Would you try again, being open and honest? If you are a woman what would you say if you met someone like me on a date or in a social scenario where i'd just described my story to you?

You see; I truly believe that i'm sufficiently in control of my addictions to be as "cured" as I may every hope to be - I'd really like to meet someone; to form a long term committed relationship, but to do that involves total and utter honesty and truth...…… but am I asking too much? is what I have done and heaven forbid if the wheels fell off could do again - is it too much to ask of someone to give me a chance?
Thank you for reading this.

Everyone has a past. Most people don't want to hear too much about past relationships tbh. So don't let that hold you back.

However, in all honesty, all this hand-wringing introspection sounds like hard work and it would have me running for the hills.

Even when you mentioned your wife and kids ... it was about the effect on YOU of losing them.

There wasn't a lot there about the trauma, heartbreak, disruption and effect on any of them. You seem to have a handle on your own feelings but not those of others.

Seriously, have you explored other people's feelings in therapy, or just your own? You aren't ready for mutual commitment unless you are ready to really care and feel for another person - and beyond how that makes only YOU feel.

Do you experience difficulty reading and processing the feelings and emotions of others - where those feelings/emotions are different to your own?

Have you done any therapy or had any external help with your addictive behaviours? I'd be more comfortable with someone who could honestly say they've done that and I don't know, had a sponsor or group support, than someone who has found their own way of avoiding spirals but hasn't engaged with them fully.

Oh sorry, misread. Ignore everything I just said.

'However, in all honesty, all this hand-wringing introspection sounds like hard work and it would have me running for the hills.'

I'd be far more concerned if someone with these issues had not done a lot of work on themselves.

OP, all you can do is be honest with someone new, honest about how it destroyed your life, your families lives and who you are now. Only complete honesty would allow me to give you a chance

Thank you - Terracottaleggy - you would have company on those hills with all the other woman I have dated who did just that; in truth, yes I have and do over analyse and having it pointed out by a stranger is welcome criticism.
Picsinred - yes, I completely agree. This is a selfish post. To have included details of the impact on those family members, what each went through, what has been done since etc would have taken pages. The point of the post is "I know how wrong/mixed up I was; I'm as fixed now as I'll ever be - help!"
Chemicalworld - thank you - I have spent pretty much 25 years not in denial but in acceptance and working on this, as well as helping others whenever and however I can. I agree 100% complete honest is the only way forward and for me a lie (either told or heard) is a deal-breaker unless the reasons are exceptional..... my fear is that whilst having (so to speak) done the crime and done the time, would anyone (really) want to give me a chance knowing the above truth?

I probably would, if I felt it was truly dealt with and it was long enough in the past.

Thank you chemicalworld; you just made my weekend.

I am of the view that people make mistakes and as long as one has learned from them then there should be no reason to continue giving yourself a hard time. As long as someone told me the truth and I had gotten to like them then I would give them the chance.

You certainly sound like you've tried to make amends with your behaviour and understand the root causes as much as you can.

You sound to me like a man that's ready to commit having learned from his mistakes.

Definitely be open with a new relationship, and communication is key!

Best of luck, don't punish yourself forever.

I really don't understand why you would be expected to divulge all of the details of your previous relationship on a first date. Could you not just say 'it didn't work out'?

Then, if things progress and your new partner really wants to know the 'ins and outs' and you really feel the need to 100% honest, tell them then.

Nobody has the right to know every aspect of your past on a first date. On a first date surely you should be talking about other things (eg what you have in common). There is no need for deep and meaningfuls straight away.

We've all got pasts and we've all done stupid things that we're ashamed of. I wouldn't dream of pouring them out to a new date.

You have to forgive yourself to move on. I suspect you're using dates to offload any residue guilt that's still hanging around and that's not necessary or appropriate (imo).

People have done worse and life goes on. Draw a line and move forward or you'll never set yourself free from your past.

I imagine that the force of the reaction from his entire family, would have a searing, long lasting effect which is why you feel the need to offer someone a 'get out' straight away.

Let someone get to know you, then divulge your regrets, which have had a catastrophic effect both on you, and your loved ones. Your children want you to be happy, you want to be happy - I hope that you can be.

I agree chemicalworld. If I went for a first date and someone started telling me about all their regrets and misgivings, I would recommend counselling and leave.

Dates are for meeting new people and finding out if you want to see them again. It should be exciting and fresh, not an opportunity to resolve deep seated issues and past regrets. That is not selling yourself. Whoever you're with is bound to run for the hills if you are using the date as some sort of therapy or confessional session.

Go out, enjoy yourself and accept that you're not a terrible person, you just made mistakes which you have learned from and have matured enough to recognise were mistakes that you paid for.

Keep first dates light-hearted and fun. You sound too caught up in things and need to let it go.

Good luck.

Well like your wife I certainly would have dumped you at the time, in your 50s however(as I am) you are aware that people you meet have baggage , it’s a long time ago, you had huge consequences and are self aware, so I would take you as I found you.

Hi OP, I’m the same age as you and currently dating. I’ve discovered over the past couple of years that everyone comes with some sort of baggage, and also that our past experiences can have some bearing on our future ones. Some have excessive trust issues relating to past relationships, some have ongoing illnesses etc etc. Everyone has something that would be a deal breaker for them in a partner. For me, for example, it’s lying and judgmental people. Your past issues might not be a deal breaker for some women, it might be for others 🤷‍♀️

I tend to think that with dating, initially it is all about the person - as they currently are. That is the person I want to get to know first. The rest is relevant, but comes later. It is relevant I think in any future relationship, just not necessarily as part of a first date.

Can I ask OP - you say you’ve had counselling, yet for 20-25 years you haven’t dated? Have you had no relationships or sex in that time at all? If so how do you know you will not again become addicted to sex if you were to start a new relationship?

You are being so hard on yourself. Ok, you massively mucked up but we all make mistakes to varying degrees . Like your children said, it's a long time ago. Look forward not back. Learn from what happened and be someone different in the future. Be honest with whoever you meet but like others have said you don't need to blurt it all out on date 1. Good luck.

I think there comes a point where remaining stuck in this idea of guilt actually turns you into a victim of your own past. And it keeps you trapped and actually the people you hurt trapped as well. It becomes the defining thing in your life, and while it was obviously impactful on a lot of people, including you - it doesn't have to be the whole story. In fact, wouldn't it be better for all concerned if it wasn't?

Your ex-wife moved on and is happy. even your children are saying it's time to move on.

My issue with dating you would not actually be your past, it would be what seems to be a determination to remain wedded to it as the most defining thing about you.

We all make mistakes - sometimes huge ones. Either you learn and grow and change or you don't. And full change means forgiving yourself and letting it go so you and everyone else can be free of it. And yes - find love, peace and happiness again.