Anyone fancy giving me a little encouragement? (please!)

[Tiredoptimist]

Brief synopsis. Married for 19 years. Son age nearly 13. Husband appears to be a narcissist or similar. Lots of sexual jealousy about previous partners, lots of stalking in the name of protectiveness, wanting to share everything I do ..including passwords to email, twitter etc and all hobbies! Huge mood swings. There's a lot. Can be an excellent dad and can be a nice bloke.
After yet another argument in April (I wanted to travel to a UK literary convention for a couple of nights he said this was unacceptable behaviour) he left. He very soon came back but I'd had enough. Then followed weeks of crying, threats, counselling, guilt and general awfulness.

I am moving out next week. I have had legal advice about joint custody for our son (I have no choice but to go, the circumstances are not simple and this is not up for debate) and if we eventually divorce this does not affect the arrangements. At his age my son gets a lot of say, we are both good parents and he is able to stay with us both, joint custody is planned. My son wants to stay with his dad as he is worried about him. I am working hard to ensure he has time with me and knows how very much I love him and am there for him. I am doing everything I can without putting extra pressure on the little dude. I love him so much and feel so guilty to rip up his world. A womens charity are supporting me and say that I am doing the right thing, that he will be fine etc etc. Can anyone reassure me that 12 year old boys get through this?

My husband is a good dad and I feel guilty about him too. The whole thing is suddenly a bit overwhelming and I feel really sad. I need a boost!

I am usually a sunny, confident person but doubting everything and feel a bit like the current weather! (soggy and miserable)

Could your son access some regular counselling? Not only would it help him through a tricky time of change but he could talk through his feelings about his dad and hopefully start to see that he needs to do what is right for himself and not try to be the parent. Well done for planning your escape from this awful man. You're doing the right things I dont doubt your son will be asking to live with you before long.

I am fairly sure school will help. I have been encouraging him to talk but he is not keen on it (in a nearly 13 year old I just want to hang out with my mates and eat a box of crunchy nut way!).I am reassuring him constantly (he isn't asking for it but I'm doing it anyway) and telling him how much I love him and how it will all be okay.
The silly thing is I worry about him being on his own with his dad. I know his dad wont hurt him but he is very manipulative. I feel like the worst parent in the world. Part of me wonders if I should just sacrifice myself for the next 5 years until son goes to uni just so he will be okay.

When they're babies you get told "happy mum, happy baby" and that's ok.
Now he's a teenager it still applies.
Just like you ate nicely with your knife and fork when he was learning cutlery, now you are role modelling a good relationship.
If you stay just for him, what lesson are you sharing about how men should treat women?
Show your son what respecting others looks like and carry on offering unstinting support from wherever you are going.
Adult children of parents who stayed together for the children tend to be more psychologically affected than the children whose parents split and moved on.
Chin up and keep going!

Thank you. 'Chin up' is probably just the sort of mantra I need now.
I have done so damn well and now at the final hurdle of the last stage of the first bit (does that even make sense!) I am suddenly suffering from a wobbly lip.

Honestly OP you sound amazing. To deal with a controlling wanker in an adult and thoughtful way and presence of mind is something to be very proud of and your son will be proud when he is old enough to realise in 10 years or so. In the meantime please don't waste all the mental energy you've put into this and carry on with the split, please!

Also, I have to repeat what I see so often on here, "a good dad" treats mum well, regardless of whether she is his partner. Picking and choosing to be nice to your child but not their other parent is not a good parent. (see role modelling good behaviour)

Your son will be fine and adjust to the new set up in time. You could let his school know what is going on Incase of any behavioral issues that may arise which come out of the blue. As for you, you did the right thing! No-one has the right to control your life like that. There are very few women who would put up with that for as long as you did! I am glad you’re accessing support also!

Thank you all for the kind words. Big help x