Jealous of his old life and exw

[Newuser00009999]

will try to keep this short but I need help with how to stop feeling this way.

2 years ago I left my toxic abusive and awful marriage. We didn’t work, we were horrible to each other so wasn’t all one sided but was a horrible toxic environment. We had three children.

Just over a year ago I met this amazing man. He has two children and had been separated from his wife for about 6 months (she left because she was bored from what I can tell)

We clicked straight away, he is incredible, kind, loving, caring, really sexy, confident and great in bed. Everything just works, kids get on (all very young still, aged between 4 and 7). We get every other weekend without the children and have a great time and every other weekend with kids where we do something together for most of them. We’ve not long all got back from a great week away

So my issue is that he had an amazing marriage, they did loads together pre and post children that me and him won’t get the chance to do, I feel inferior because I will never know him like she does or get to experience the stuff they did because he’s already done it. They are still good friends, something I guess I find hard because I can’t stand to look at my exh. I like him because he’s so nice so why wouldn’t she want to stay friends I guess and it’s not all about the kids, it’s friendly banter but it’s something I’m not part of. I feel silly even being bothered about it.

It makes me feel really insecure, I’m fine when we’re together but often it’s a week - 10 days between visits as we both lead busy lives and we live just over an hour away from each other.

It’s then I feel like this. He has all his old Facebook photos up and there are loads of happy photos of them together.

I suppose I’m a bit jealous of the relationship they still have and worry incase it’s something more or that she will want him back when she realizes the grass isn’t greener and he goes because she knows he so much better, jealous they had the time pre children that him and me won’t have and jealous of all the great things they did whilst I was in such an awful marriage

I wouldn’t want to change it for him because it’s easier to get on and co parent with a friend but I don’t want my insecurities and jealousy ruin it all either

Please help

Your feelings are very normal in my opinion. I am a jealous type and o do torment myself by looking at partners exes and photos of them together.
I do believe it fades tho, the more established you become as a couple and you will be creating new memories for you two.
I think having had a toxic relationship you’re probably feeling vulnerable in this one because you have been hurt and are acres of getting hurt again and subconsciously seeking out any possible threats. Be kind to yourself and remember the cliches, they ended for a reason and he’s chosen to be with you x

I also think it gets easier over time. You’ve only been with him for a year. I used to feel like you did as the ‘newcomer’, but now me and dh have been together for so many years she really is history for him. And when you get to that stage of your relationship, them getting on will work for you as she will be less likely to poison the kids against you, making your life easier in their teenage years. It really does change in time.

Your feelings are very normal in my opinion. I am a jealous type.

What? Jealous person thinks jealousy is normal shocker.

Have you had support in working through your abusive relationship? You need to be honest with yourself, if you can’t handle their closeness now, how likely are you going to accept it in the future?

I’m not sure if I need support working through my previous relationship or even what that would be? I have a really supportive family and great friends who are all there whenever I need.
The relationship was bad on both parts, me and him just were horrible people around each other

So do I just always go for men that aren’t nice because they wouldn’t get on with their exw to save my jealousy because there would likely be something else because anyone who is 30-40 and has children, has a past

I don’t even know why I feel like this and I want to stop. Can me and her be friends also? Would it help if I met her? I’m really easy to get on with and fairly confident in myself although I’m not sure she is so wouldn’t want to make her uncomfortable, I’m 8 years younger and I'm financially more successful her so that maybe a factor I don’t know. I’m sure she’s a lovely person though because he is and they get in so well

I very much doubt your age or finances will impact wether she wants to meet you and you will get on.

Sometimes parents remain friends. It's better for the kids. Sometimes when they have new partners, they all get on well. To varying degrees. Some are friends some are simply polite and mix only when they need to.

This boils down to the fact that you feel insecure and feel he will leave you if she decides she wants him back. That's why you are jealous of all the good stuff they have done together. You are worried those experience and good memories will draw him back.

If you and him remain together, when the kids are grown you will be doing stuff he hasnt done before and more exciting stuff, that is easier when you dont have a load of kids in tow.

I second counselling. I left an abusive marriage but it was quite a bit after I realised I needed counselling. Probably somewhere, inside you, you dont believe a decent man could choose you over someone else.

Dont compare yourself to her. Even in positive ways. You and her are different people. I could feel off lots of ways, I think I have more positives than dps exwife. I am sure she could too. But what's the point?

I know dp loved her. I know he doesnt anymore. I know it took him a while to date because he could remember feeling so sure she was the one he was going tinsoemd his life with, how could he be ever sure in his feelings again. He loved her so much. But that was then. Life has moved on and I am 100% sure he loves me. They shared kids, something we wont do. But thats not what our relationship is about. It's about ouving life together now, where we found ourselves in our late 30s.

We have lots of good years to come. Different to what we both had in the past. But still good.

Honestly, I would pursue counselling.

I think it's normal to feel a bit wary and insecure about your partner's ex when you first get together - and I say that as a very non-jealous person. It's sad though that you say you "will never know him like she does" - why not? If you stay together for the next 20 years then you will! But it's unrealistic to expect it to happen so soon.

It sounds like you've found a lovely man and are making a success of blending your families. Try to enjoy it and stop comparing. I'm not sure that meeting or not meeting her will make much difference.

Couldn’t have been that amazing if they split up!

Comparison is the thief of joy and all that.

OP

How can you not see what’s staring you right in the face

It wasn’t amazing. They split up

No woman with young kids leaves a marriage because they are "bored" So there is something there he's not telling you. She's left him for another reason.

And unless she's very insecure, then the fact you're a few years younger than her and have more money is highly unlikely to make her jealous. I think you're attributing what would make you jealous to her. And she left him remember. No one with young kids does that easily and without good reason.

You're worried he still has feelings for her, and given a chance by her will go back. That's what's causing your insecurity and jealousy.

I'm not sure how you address this really. Ultimately you think he'd rather be with her. So it's not about her as such. It's about him.

Whether your feelings are accurate or not none of us know. But it's something you need to resolve.

No one wants to be second choice.

I think jealousy is a normal emotion too, it's how you control it that matters. I would stop looking at photos of them together, concentrate on making your own memories with him. As others have said, you're lucky that you get to spend time together without children and you have your whole future ahead of you.

I'm personally not a fan of counselling, I found it an expensive way to talk about myself with no real answers. You seem like you're a confident woman, you know your past relationship was toxic and you're free from that now. You're in a good place, I think the more positive memories you make with this man, the less this will bother you.

I think theres a term for it called retrograde jealousy (that might not be quite right). It can be a sort of OCD where you have intrusive thoughts about their past.

When your head starts to spin the loop of how happy they were ect you have to counter it with reason and logic. Then find something nice to do. The more you give in to this the worse you will feel. It's pretty easy to train your brain to stop going down that rabbit hole once you start. Have a Google for some CBT techniques and remember your logical thoughts can over ride the illogical thoughts.

Thank you everyone, this has been really helpful. I guess it’s normal what I feel and I will get better with time. There will be one day (I’m hoping) I wake up and i don’t have a thought about mine or his previous lives.

And yes they split for a reason, on the outside I also had he perfect marriage.
I may speak to some one as I think I have issues from my childhood hence the horrible marriage in the first place as I felt I didn’t deserve better at the time and there’s things I don’t talk about to anyone as it upsets me so maybe a few sessions may help.
Thanks all, really lovely words

OP replace the negative thought with a n nice or mundane thought. Eg you think about how happy they were, you stop that thought in its track and start thinking about what you will have for breakfast. The more you wallow in it the worse it will be.

She didn’t leave because she was bored. If he’s telling you that then you should be a bit wary. You live an hour away from each other. Right now you get to only see the best version of him. Different story when you live together and rely on each other financially and emotionally. Everyone thinks my DH is amazing and lovely and kind. Nobody knows the serious financial abuse I suffered. There’s that saying “never judge a book by its cover”. Maybe you should meet her and find out her side of the story.

I left as I was bored and didn't fancy my DH anymore..

What reason did he give for them splitting up?

@sofato5miles. You weren’t just bored then? You were not attracted as well

OP you’re still in the honeymoon period. He will become more “real” soon enough and you’ll relax about his past

I left as I was bored and didn't fancy my DH anymore

Did you have two young pre school kids?

They were in preprep. ExH and I are still good friends and are going on holiday tomorrow. Though I do bite my tongue for the greater good, as I am sure he does.

An official benign line, such as growing apart, bored etc helps keep the status quo.

Obviously sometimes people lie to hide much worse truths. But sometimes they lie to just hide something hurtful.

She didn’t leave because she was bored. If he’s telling you that then you should be a bit wary.

Yep. 🚩

OP, have you asked exw why she left?
Women will often be "friends" even with a prick just for the sake of the kids. I'm not saying he's a prick, but really don't read too much into them being friends.

Did you remarry sofato5miles out of curiosity? And how old are your children now?

Nope. Neither of us dating (officially) yet and divorce not finalised. Only 9 months in.

Bit I still feel so very happy to have split.

Definitely think there will be more to the split than he is letting on. My ex likes to tell people that we are amicable but the amount of times I have bitten my tongue for the kids sake. I do have a go at him in private though.