The moment it all clicks and you realise what it's all about

[UpsetWifeandOtherWoman]

I've name-changed for this as I'm a regular poster and don't want to use that name for loads of reasons.

I got to this stage through long nights of contemplation and doing something really bloody stupid. Well, I didn't actually do anything, but I could easily have done and could still do if I wanted to. Am married, things not going well for one reason and another and I met someone else AS A FRIEND. He said he was interested in being friends and that side developed, because I'm a stupid person and actually believed men and women could have platonic relationships these days... you know, the ones where you spend hours over drinks talking about your worries but you both know, or at least you think you both know, that whilst there is obvious chemistry there, nothing could happen. I won't go into details of how we met or how it developed, but it DID end up developing, almost completely from his side of the fence. He started using innuendo and being suggestive, and you know, at first I did find it flattering because it was done in such a way that it wasn't 'ewww, you perv', and nor was it demanding. I love my husband and only wanted the support of a friend, during a time I wasn't getting that from my husband. But it quickly got worse and one night this week we spoke on msn and it all got a bit, well, hot I think. He said some things that made me go 'hmmmm'... really the kind of stuff you'd expect a bloke to say to a whore. I KNEW I could never and would never do anything with any other man, but a little flirting is OK in my book, and can make you feel alive. A bit of innuendo is pushing it. THIS was absolute filth and made me really inquisitive about this man.

Anyway, the next day he is apologising loads about the way he was the night before, saying it's the situation he's in, he's a typical bloke, easily turned on, all that stuff. In every other way he is, or I think he is, 100% genuine, and it is only this one side that made me take a step back. In fact, if not for us both being in relationships, it may have gone further... that's just how I was feeling at the time. But I don't wish to leave my partner and would never dream of doing anything behind anyone's backs. So I did some 'fishing' and found some stuff about this other man, like he'd advertised himself as a horny male looking for genuine fun. He said he is bi-curious and wanted to meet females, couples, groups and TVs. It is definitely him and suddenly I just thought 'well he's obviously lied about his intentions from the start and never just wanted friendship... he wanted a quick lay cause he wasn't getting any at home'. He wouldn't have got a quick lay from me, but now I'm also left thinking he wanted my husband in on it as well. I just feel so duped and sick from it all. Naive maybe to believe I could meet someone that would just enjoy chatting and understanding each other - male or female. So now I definitely have to back away from him in a big way but don't know how, without the worry of him getting nasty.

But the ironic thing is, I got friendly with this person over mutual concerns about our respective relationships, and it is this friendship with this person that has made me see what a wonderful man I married. Someone who accepts me for what I am and what I do and someone who encourages me to do everything I want to do in life. He doesn't judge and may not be the most sexual person, with the most confident manner, but he makes me feel comfortable and we have so many fun times together. It is just sad that it's taken such a sick experience to make me realise all this, and to realise our marriage issues were trivial and could be worked through, after all we have already been through together.

I'm very young still so please forgive me for the naivety I have shown. Also, sorry if it all sounds very cryptic, thus making it sound a bit troll-like, but I can't give too much away.

My name change is probably a bit misleading, because I am not the other woman, but that's the way I feel to have been treated - like a cheap get-out or bit of fun, rather than a confidante which is what I wanted.

Has anyone else ever realised how wonderful their partners are after a weird experience, or a situation where you nearly left?

Yoou dabbled a bit too far, got your fingers burnt.

Lesson learned.

If i may be a bit cheeky, i wonder if you found it all very flattering and fun and its the fact that you now feel that he might have been after both you and hubby together thats pissed you off, as it means just 'you' werent the prize for him.

No, cause I don't really know if he wanted hubby, I am just wondering if he would have been that sleazy. We met through mutual concerns, as I said, and from my side anyway, it was just a 'chatting' friendship where I needed to talk about things. I was a bit unnerved by the initial innuendo but what was said the other night made me feel sick and that's what made me 'fish' iyswim. I wouldn't sleep with anyone else whether they were a sleaze or not, so the fact I have an inkling he may want us both, so to speak, doesn't make much difference. I just don't get why a man and woman can't just have that friendship. I would confide everything in my best female friends, so why just because someone has a penis, can that not be the same? Especially when he made it as clear as I did that he only wanted friendship. And wondered if anyone else had come close to leaving their partner and then realised how lovely their partner was. I suppose it has to be made clear to you about how awful some men can be, to realise that the small problems within your marriage aren't actually that big a deal. And I'm also starting to realise, after 4 years (yesterday), that marriage isn't perfect and I should stop trying to make it perfect because I will always disappoint.

Think you've learnt a hard lesson.

If you needed to talk about things then perhaps someone impartial like a marriage counsellor would have been a better person to see overall. Certainly not a work colleague of the opposite sex. Emotional affairs are just another way of not dealing with the problems within a relationship.

If this person had been a true friend to you he could have said that he was not the right person for you to talk to about problems within your relationship. But no, he encouraged you to open up further to him.

This was an emotional affair for want of a better term. All the hallmarks of such were there. Many people actually go into emotional affairs not intending to start such in the first place, they end up getting further sucked in as you did.

He sounds like the kind of man who would say whatever it took to get what he wanted. He knew you wanted friendship so he saw that as a good place to start to get under your skin. I know you know this, but I wouldn't trust this man at all, he doesn't sound like he has your best interests at heart.

It sounds like he probably uses the internet as a place to indulge his fantasies, probably has a lot of cybersex and that's why he slipped so easily into the pervy talk when you weren't face to face, because he's so used to doing it.

The truth is, you can be friends with a man but there shouldn't be any chemistry. If there is, there will always be a "hat if" hanging in the air between the two of you. You can't make friends with a new man when you're in a relationship, for the purposes of discussing the problems in your marriage. It translates to the new man as "I just need a shove and I'll be open to all kinds of extra marital fun"

To some men that's preferable than seeing a single woman, as they would have higher commitment expectations and demand more of their time and possibly money. Yes, some men are that calculating and shallow.

So are you worried that if you don't continue speaking to this man that he will try to get you in trouble with your husband? Because personally I would risk it. Sever all ties with him now, blame it on the profile you have seen about him if you like, tell him you didn't realise what kind of man he really was and it's not your scene. Keep your email short and to the point, and don't look back.

Glad it's made you appreciate what you have, sometimes you just need to look at a relationship with fresh eyes.

always be a "What if"

Honestly.

Oh you poor thing. It sounds as if you are feeling really confused and upset by what happened. What an awful shock.

It is my understanding that you never intended a real affair, or anything that would threaten your marriage. There is a term used for certain types of affair, an 'open door' affair or something, meaning it is used as a way out of the existing relationship - I don't think this was one of those, but similar in the sense that it made you review your marriage, gave you an alternative standpoint from which to look at it as if you were going to leave - and find what you probably knew inside all along, and just needed to prove to yourself - that you actually are very happy with your husband, and it is a marriage worth saving.

Might even go so far as to suggest you had an inner sense that this other man was likely to be unsuitable? If you had known he was likely to turn into a real threat, I doubt you would have risked it so don't be too hard on yourself.

I hope you manage to find a way to get yourself away from him without it turning nasty, it must be quite scary, I would suggest remaining very polite and friendly as though you have no idea about his 'real' intentions (whatever they may have been) and just make excuses not to see him.

Best of luck xx

What a horrible way to learn that you love your husband after all!

I hate it when you suddenly are made to feel really naive and over trusting, so can sympathise with how you feel.

You now have to do three things:

1. get rid of this bloke immediately. Make it very, very clear (words of one syllable) how you feel about what has happened and that you no longer wish to persue this friendship

2. get rid of any MSN/e-mail history that might be around for your husband to discover. It would be a terrible irony if he found/read all this now and then decided that there was something going on with you and this other man

3. focus on your husband and getting your relationship back on track. Tell him that you love him, arrange to go out together, and generally start to invest a bit more. You're right, marriage will never be perfect, but if you don't work at it then it won't even be good.

Good luck!

pursue, obviously!

it must be a real shock.

i would explain to your dh about what happened, disclose everything and never speak to this guy again.

Wow, thank you to EVERYONE. You have given some really spot-on advice and you all have the idea of why I was upset. I did expect to get jumped on because I know how it seems. Wow, am really shocked. You're all lovely.

Had a lovely cuddle with my husband, in bed this morning, and feel loads better already.

Thank you.

You must get rid of him - and dont be too hard on yourself we can only judge others by our own set of morals and you sound like a very trusting sort of person who should be proud of themselves.

Be kind to yourself and your husband and be glad you learnt this lesson.

Don't worry about it. You haven't done anything awful.

I agree you have got your fingers burned and good job too. If he hadn't been like this you probably WOULD have ended up having an affair.

I second what someone said about getting rid of all evidence. I'm sure you may feel you did nothing wrong but your dh would not feel the same way. Emotional involvement can be as wounding as physical for your partner