Not sure if it’s anxiety or if I should leave?

[Feelinglost95]

I’m 28 he’s 38 we’ve been together for 4 years. Been struggling with anxiety a lot recently and been prescribed an SSRI but I’ve been having thoughts that it’s not anxiety and that it’s just not the right relationship...

He’s really lovely, funny and we are both very weird together. I can imagine us having kids together and being together forever. I really do love him a lot.

He does all the bill arranging and pays for most of them as he’s in a very high paying job. He’s ambitious and it should pay off in the next 5 years when he’s expecting to receive a payout from the large share in the business he’s a director of.

However there’s just a few things that make me worry he’s not my forever, and some people seem like they don’t have any negatives about their SO and if I do have doubts it means they aren’t the one??

He doesn’t really like to do things in the evenings after work, he gets home about 6:30 and just wants to sit on the sofa and chill out then go to bed. If i really bug him occasionally we’ll go to the cinema or out for dinner but I’d like to do things more than once a month during the week?

Our sex life wasn’t great for a while, but it’s getting back on track again and we are back to doing it once a week. It sometimes feels a bit awkward but most of the time is great

He’s quite passive about plans. If I ask him what he wants to do at the weekend he says I don’t mind, if I ask him if he wants to go out for the day he says I don’t mind etc... but if he’s had a good day he’ll always tell me and thank me for planning it

He isn’t a cuddler or a kisser. If I ask him for a cuddle he’ll give me one but tends to try and avoid them. Though will always give me a hug when he gets home from work and a cuddle if I’m sad.

I’ve been living in hell for a few months obsessing over the negative things in our relationship and wondering if I should get out now before kids or marriage. I really love him and hate the thought of leaving him but worry that I could be happier with someone else who likes to go out on a week night, has a high libido and loves to cuddle. Then I think If I found someone who did them things he would probably have other negatives and wouldn’t be current boyfriend.

None of that would worry me. I don't like going out during the week either. However if you're not happy you're not happy. Are you looking for a reason to leave? You don't need one. Although if you're expecting a fairy tale romance story that's a load of pish.

It sounds like your looking for faults that to most wouldn't be an issue but i wonder if your ages are playing a part in how your feeling. I don't think it's unusual for people to not want to be overly active after a full day of work. Do you feel like your missing the single life your friends may still be living?
The funny thing is some of single people will be craving what you have.

I’m definitely not looking for a reason to leave, I really really want to stay but my anxiety has been going mad recently and is convincing me to decide now if I want to be with him forever so I can set him free to find someone now before he’s too old to have a family. Honestly my heads all over the place and I really wanted to read that others don’t think it’s a big deal. I think I’ll start taking the setraline I was prescribed so I can calm down my thoughts. Thankyou

I don't what it is but its similar in some ways to my lovely DH. Its just the personality and more so differences in habits I think. You could try different things actively. Have you told him how you feel and what you want?

Start small one thing a week day. Take turns planning a weekend event and a week day event. And for heavens sake just cuddle up to him and ask if its ok.

More than anything else, learn to talk about what you want, what you like and what you want...that's most important in a relationship.

He seems pretty lovely to me. As for wanting to stay in during the evening, that is something you would appreciate VERY much if you ever have children. Also, why does his need to stay home and relax mean you have to? Join some clubs, meet up with friends, go to the gym, etc. You don't have to be joined at the hip every single evening. If you want to do more, do it.

Yeah Ive not been very good at making time for friends or myself so I think once I start doing that and stop relying on my partner to entertain me when he’s had a long day things will feel easier. Thanks everyone for your replies. I had a horrible feeling of dread wondering if these doubts meant we wouldn’t work long time but it’s good to hear people think we could still have a long happy relationship despite some imperfections!

You’re 28 that’s still young and tbh 38 is still pretty young too. I am 46 and I couldn’t cope with that eleven of staying in and trying to force him to go out to the cinema etc.
That’s just me tho, everyone’s different but I feel if you were with someone nearer your own age you could have a fun social life as well as staying in.
He does sound nice but that doesn’t mean you have to settle with him

At the weekend we are really active and have lots of weekends away and go hiking, nights out etc. So it’s not that we don’t have a good active life it’s just during the week that it’s a bit boring!

Ah I missed the weekend info. In that case if you’re happy with everything else then I echo what someone else above said, just find some stuff to do in the week that doesn’t involve him and good luck to you both

Life is often a bit boring, op, but when you get older you begin to appreciate that fact.

Mmm...if you're having niggles you are unhappy. You will find someone else. It will end in rows when your patience weare thin a few years down the line ...

it’s just during the week that it’s a bit boring!

you won't be able to say that when you have kids - well actually you will!

I think the differences u are noticing is an age gap thing .

Doesn’t sound like he is doing anything wrong

Why don’t you go out with friends in the week.

Thanks everyone! @DocusDiplo I’m not unhappy with the relationship per say I am struggling with anxiety and find differentiating between real worries and anxious overthinking that builds into negative irrational thoughts!

@Feelinglost95 Your last post mentioning anxious overthinking and negative irrational thoughts made me think of relationship OCD. It could fit with the anxiety you’ve been feeling (I’m not trying to diagnose you, it’s just an avenue you might like to explore. Your doubts about the relationship could be related to the anxiety. I found CBT and counselling quite helpful to explore my feelings. Is that an option open to you? I have anxiety and OCD tendencies - intrusive thoughts - and am prone to obsessing over a relationship when I’m feeling low. It is difficult to understand what is the mental health issue and what are valid concerns about the relationship that you have doubts about. Ultimately my mental health improved enormously when my relationship ended but not without professional intervention)

Sounds to me like your anxiety is the source of a lot of this, from close friends I’ve spoken to with anxiety they have described it as being incredibly good at tricking you and lying to you. Do you think that’s what’s happening here?
My partner also has anxiety so I’ve actually been on the receiving end of this. Maybe work on getting some counselling and learning some techniques to manage your anxiety - it might help you learn where the reality line is and help you figure out where these doubts are coming from. I’ve always been told you should find “evidence” for every anxious thought you have, to help you figure out whether it’s irrational or not.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I think I was forgetting that no relationship is perfect and seems like on here sometimes people suggest if you have any doubts at all it means you won’t last and should end everything before kids are involved. I’ve been loved up and happy for 4 years so I need to stop overthinking everything and enjoy the feeling of a lovely relationship!

You dong have to do everything together, if you want to go to the cinema- go alone. Still plan the weekend plans, it sounds like you have a lovely life it would be a lot to give up. Maybe just gain some independence rather than making him and this relationship the sole source of your happiness

How are you now, OP? I dunno, it sounds like a pretty depressing relationship aside from the anxiety ... And long term it would grind some people down. Your choice :) how is going?