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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do you think he is telling the truth about his friend ?

23 replies

walker05 · 08/08/2019 12:16

Bit of an awkward situation. I had been seeing a guy for about 5 weeks. his friend/flatmate was very attractive and nice. Felt guilty for thinking it even if it's normal and tried to put it to the back of my mind.
The first guy freaked out because I told him I 'really liked him' after 5 weeks/about 8 dates. Maybe this was too soon ? I know everybody moves at different paces.
Anyway, he ended up telling me he only liked me as a friend and had 'felt like this' for a few weeks. Gave me the whole not ready, we can be friends etc. I was pretty gutted but what could I do.
I'm not going to make any excuses for this but I ended up telling him that I found his mate attractive. Daft I know, I suppose I was trying to make him think I was less bothered and maybe focusing my attention on the other guy to console myself.
Anyway, first guy absolutely hit the roof even though he had just rejected me. I suppose it was more to do with ego than anything. I apologised but he refused to talk to me.
The next day, I got a 'hi' msg on Facebook from the friend.
Eventually, in a non-aggressive manner I just mentioned to the first guy that his friend had messaged, and asked if he had told him to ?
He said he hadnt. But I don't know what to believe. I don't know if he is lying, but i cannot imagine the friend messaging me merely a day after ? (even if the first guy rejected me). What do others think ?

OP posts:

Bunglefromrainbow · 08/08/2019 12:42

So he goes on 8 dates with you over a month period and then decides to tell you he just sees you as a friend when you mention that you like him? Lucky escape with that one I think.

I doubt he told his friend to contact you but he has almost certainly mentioned something to him. Either he's said that you thought he was attractive which made him message you. Or he said he'd broken it off with you which made him think you were available so he thought he'd "try his luck".

Either way, original guy sounds a bit of a tool, new guy probably is as well to just send "hi" but it sounds like he at least finds you attractive and maybe he's just shy/awkward. Don't worry about the last guy, if you fancy guy number 2 just bear in mind that they will "compare notes" so to speak but if you're cool with that, crack on.

Original poster

walker05 · 08/08/2019 12:49

Thanks for the reply. The thing is when I told him I really liked him (after 8 dates and having been intimate together) he seemed to panic as if I had declared undying love and asked him to move in.

Oh do you think ? I did wonder if he had asked his flatmate to message me to 'test me' as he can be a little childish and manipulative like that. But I thought maybe he lied out of embarrassment when I confronted him.
Because he seemed to have no reaction (online) when I said the guy had messaged me.

But you're right, he must have told him as I highly doubt his friend would conveniently message the following day.

OP posts:

SparklyMagpie · 08/08/2019 12:50

Ahh I recognise this

Does it even matter if he told him to or not,really?

I'd do what you want, none of his business but I think the issue you have still is you hoping he'll come back to you

Original poster

walker05 · 08/08/2019 12:53

Anyway, they had an upcoming party at theirs. I said that if he wanted to, i'd still come to their party as a friend, even if me and him were 'off'. And he said, 'oh, is that just so you can get with my flatmate ?'

I replied I would never do that, and he said he wasnt sure he wanted me at his party anymore.

I cannot believe I am writing this, the guy had just rejected me ! What I said was daft but he is genuinely acting as if we were together and I cheated on him with his mate.

Flatmate is friendly and kind but sometimes doesn't really look at me/seems awkward, but teases me a lot'

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 08/08/2019 12:58

I think it would be really really fucking weird if you now hooked up with his flatmate. I'd really try to move on if I was you.

Original poster

walker05 · 08/08/2019 13:16

I suppose it may be, perhaps in different circumstances

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/08/2019 13:19

Guy 1 probably told Guy 2 that you and he were no longer dating and Guy 2 is doing that thing loads of men do when they think a woman who’s been dumped is miserable and desperate for affection and validation and testing the waters to chance his luck for sex.

But beyond that, all this nonsense about trying to make him jealous and wanting to remain friends and going to his party. You knew him a month. I’ve got things in my fridge I’ve had longer. You’re not friends, you have no reason to go to his party, and no reason to try and keep in touch with his flatmate. Score a line under it all and move on.

Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 08/08/2019 13:27

I'd be moving on. I wouldn't go near the flatmate especially as you've shagged the other one.

Why did you even say it, you must have wanted a reaction.

Walkmehome · 08/08/2019 13:29

Didn’t you post about this before? Anyway it sounds like you definitely have your eye on no 2 and he might be interested too. You could chat to him I suppose but it could get messy.

loveyoutothemoon · 08/08/2019 13:30

He told his mate you weren't shagging anymore and he's fancying his chances. You can do what you like with who you like! Just keep up to date with STD checks.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/08/2019 13:34

I'd really forget the pair of them and move on. It would be very awkward with bloke 1 if you got with bloke 2. And bloke 1 sounds like a twat anyway.

Just leave them both alone.

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 08/08/2019 13:57

Could guy 1 have hacked into guy 2's facebook to message you as a 'test'? If guy 1 is immature (and sounds like a narcissistic player) then that wouldnt be too far out of the realms of possibility.

As other PP have said, guy 2 could be testing the waters for an easy target after breaking up with guy 2. I think if he was genuinely interested he would have sent more than 'hi' as that's just lazy.

If I were you, I'd stay away from this whole situation. Nothing good can come out of it but drama and you've only known the pair of them for a few weeks. I think guy 1 treated you badly, why would you want to stay friends with someone like this?

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 08/08/2019 19:28

OK, so he ended things with you. And sounds like, although it's never nice to hear, he did it with a modicum of decency - told you to your face, (rather than just ghosting you) and remained friendly enough to invite you to his party.

Your response? "I fancy your flatmate". (And it doesn't sound like you actually do fancy him, you were just saying it to get a response). Are you surprised he's a bit...miffed? If I broke up with a guy and he said "oh right, well what about your friend? I've always had my eye on her" I'd think he was pretty graceless.

The message? Most likely it's from your ex - they live together, it would be very simple to send a message from the flatmates account. Don't have any more to do with either of them - find someone else to date.

category12 · 08/08/2019 19:42

Good grief. Just walk away, there are tons of blokes, stop giving either of them headspace.

Original poster

walker05 · 08/08/2019 21:39

Thanks for the replies. He did it online, and he didn't ask me to still go to his party, I offered to go still but he said he did not want me to anymore.
It's true it's very daft. I didn't make it up for a réaction, it was true, but he had just told me he was not interested and hadn't been for weeks so I didn't expect him to be bothered at all.

OP posts:

Andylion · 09/08/2019 04:47

he didn't ask me to still go to his party, I offered to go still but he said he did not want me to anymore.

OP, what do you mean you "offered to go"? Did you think he needed you there or were you asking if he minded if you did go?

Apologies if I am misunderstanding "offer" here as I am not British.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 10/08/2019 16:56

he didn't ask me to still go to his party, I offered to go still but he said he did not want me to anymore

That is pretty normal. If I broke up with someone I'd been seeing for a few weeks, I would expect that they would no longer be attending my upcoming party. If they then told me a) they fancied my flatmate and b) they still wanted to come to the party, I would assume that their motivation was to have a crack at said flatmate. Why else did you want to go to the party, OP??

He had just told me he was not interested and hadn't been for weeks so I didn't expect him to be bothered at all

Really?? I expect in the world of vulcan dating, this might be a logical assumption but if you're dating actual humans then you can't possibly pretend that just because someone no longer wants to see you, then they don't have any feelings, positive or negative, about you seeing their flatmate. Can you really not think of any reason why he might feel awkward/weird about you IMMEDIATELY trying to get it on with someone who lives in the same house as him?

Lifeisabeach09 · 10/08/2019 17:08

Agree with PP that it's a bit that you asked about his flatmate whilst he was ending your short relationship.
However, you owe this guy nothing. If you want to date his friend (providing he is sincerely interested), go for it.
As for the party, screw that. Make your own plans!

Original poster

walker05 · 10/08/2019 17:19

Yes of course I can understand. I had no intention of doing anything and never have done. He said he still wanted to be friends and I wanted to go to the party as it was him I still liked.
Of course I can totally understand him feeling miffed. However, he called me horrible, really hurtful and refused to speak to me, saying he 'would forgive me in time', because I had said the flatmate was attractive.
Of course I could fully understand him finding it strange about me and his flatmate which is why I have never done or never had any intention of doing anything about it.
The thing I dont understand is him being so upset after essentially telling me he had never really been interested in me at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

walker05 · 10/08/2019 17:21

Honestly, I feel like an absolutely terrible person for this. The thing is, he has liked all sorts of explicit pages of girls on Instagram etc. And added a ton of girls on fb, he has clearly found others attractive, I know it's natural I was just daft to say it.

OP posts:

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 10/08/2019 17:25

OK, he sounds grim. He called you names because he is an unpleasant person, not because you did anything to deserve it.

Block him, delete him, do not go to his party or mess with his flatmate.

Original poster

walker05 · 10/08/2019 17:30

Thanks. I totally get it was daft but I really didn't expect the reaction. Like I had met a guy once and my best mate said she thought he was really hot (on picture) and I just laughed it off as I knew it was normal to find others attractive.
His ex gf left him for someone else and I think it's left him with insecurities which is fully understandable, so I was insensitive.
I presume he did think I was going to try it on with the flatmate straight away but id never have done.
But yeah, I will do.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 10/08/2019 18:38

I think most people, straight after dumping someone, if that person said, that's fine, I fancy your flat mate, can I still come to your party would be pretty appalled.

You should at least be honest on uour motivation, as it reads like this thread is you trying to work out if it was really his flatmate messaging you, and it's a natural conclusion that you wanted to go to the party so you could try your luck with him.

Overall it comes across as a bit icky and desperate.

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