Can both partners be abusive?

[boringornot]

I clearly have an abusive relationship with my STBXH. But even though he belittles me, calls me names, does lots of things, I admit I have said horrible things to him and have been shouty and probably abusive as well. We had a few (2 or 3) episodes of physical violence, initiated by him or by me.

My point is: I may be a victim of domestic violence, some level of coercive control, but I have done these things as well.

In the last few months I stopped, though. I don't want to be that person anymore, and I'm making plans to divorce.

What is my situation in there? I may be a victim, but I've been an abuser as well (probably more in the beginning of the relationship).

As I said, I finally understood that this is completely unacceptable and I will end this madness. But can I ask for help as a "victim"? It sounds a bit wrong.

By the way, I'm in Europe, not in the UK.

I'm glad you have friends to support you.
I understand your fears and the only thing I can suggest is to quietly prepare and get your ducks in a row as much as possible.
Wishing you good luck and strength.

@Wishiknewthen thanks a lot! I'm lining up the ducks as we speak ;)

calling over and over during the night, making unreasonable demands, etc.

Is this abuse ? I’m confused

I was researching something slightly different from the topic at hand but found myself very intrigued by this thread!

I have to agree that it’s very weird that you seem to be projecting this sense of victimhood onto a fully grown woman…

Appreciate that there are circumstances galore out there and you’re just covering bases making sure she has all the info but she has explicitly described behaviours she had etc throughout their relationship and you’re still almost trying to coddle her and tell her it wasn’t her fault, it feels slimy to me.

In no way am I trying to imply that this was your intent as I highly doubt it, you seem to be very clued up and aware of the ins and outs of this but as an outsider - and a woman reading this - it’s just not greatly put.

Hope she managed to sort herself and the little ones out and big props to her for being so open, transparent and accountable✨