Coercive control - I am Nicola...well I was...

[nowisthetimetochange]

I saw this recommended on another thread.

I watched ‘I am Nicola’ scarcely drawing breath as it was so close to my life for nearly 4 years. The overwhelming feeling of someone beating down every move. Making me feel like I was crazy, irrational for putting on clothes that I’d worn before. For sitting without smiling whilst reading a funny book. For not having things sorted when he came home work. For not wanting other men to look at me - even if I worked with them. For always being ready to say I was having an affair. For not replying to are you ok, being asked for the 15th time before breakfast. For being told something must be wrong with me to look like that (just normal expression on my face)...I could go on.

My situation turned into physical coercion (apparently that’s what it’s called when he started to move me to where I should be in our home). I started thinking to myself...well he never hits me so that’s ok. But then he started to move the children around.

When I finally managed to get him to leave (packed bags, took them outside) he tried to strangle me. A neighbour heard me scream. He was removed.

There is an excellent review of I am Nicola on the Guardian website that ends, ‘If you see yourself in any of it, listen to the alarm bells. When did you last smile freely?’ www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2019/jul/23/i-am-nicola-review-inside-toxic-trap-coercive-relationship

I think I’m writing this to say if you see anything of yourself in this then really think about happiness.

I still get terrified when I have to see him to support his relationship with the children (now entirely supervised). What if I look wrong, say the wrong thing and upset him? Then I have to check myself because I am free. I still have a lot to unlearn, and being a single mum is hard. But every single minute is better than waiting for the next thing I may have done wrong. There is not a day since he left that I have woken up nervous. It was once every day.

I'm so glad to hear you're out of this relationship op. Thank god you and your dc are safe. You should be so proud of yourself for having got him out of your lives.

Can I ask what you mean by he moved you and the dc to where you should be in the house?

Also, why do you need to be there at contact times between him and dc?
So sorry you still have to see that awful human being.

He would put his hands on my shoulders and walk me firmly to the kitchen to cook, or the sitting room to ‘relax’ or whatever he wanted...

I’m struggling to set up proper supervision...he got a job that clashed with when they were open. He agreed to me being around - I know that isn’t great.

He had started to pick the children up and take them away if he felt they weren’t listening. Then he would keep me away and they would scream for me. I’m ashamed to say it happened twice before I kicked him out.

So glad you got out OP,

That must have taken huge courage. Thank you for posting. I am sure it will be an inspiration to other women in a similar situation.

Don't be ashamed op, be proud and grateful he's gone, YOU made that happen. Sometimes it's hard to see what's going on when you're in the thick of it, but you got out.

Relish your freedom, I wish you and your dc great happiness.

I told my friend that I was going to leave (she was very like the friend in I am Nicola), she had started to see enough to be really worried about me. When I was trying to get him to leave to pulled out every trick in the book, threatening suicide etc but when he saw I was going to do it finally (had tried many times before to just get some space but was never allowed because of how he would feel) he went mad. He took my phone away as soon as I went to message (my friend had her husband ready to come and help me if I needed it). I took his bags out the house and stood outside and begged him to just go for a night. Then he took me back inside and tried to strangle me. He had never done anything like that before. I just remember thinking that there was no way my children would find him killing me on my kitchen floor. Fortunately I have a proactive neighbour - who then admitted she had started to worry too. I am so grateful to her. She’s quite a lot older and tiny but she appeared in my kitchen and he was defeated just by her presence.

I don’t want to put people off doing something...but we are all stronger than we think. I’ve lost nearly all our family income and gone back to work, and put kids in childcare, and had no spare money ever. (We had a big disposable income before). And it is all better than before...all of it!

So happy for you that you found your stength despite the fact he had been working hard to squash it out of you, anx you got him out of your life, and out of your children's life.
The fact that you actually packed his bags and put them outside was a courageous show of strength in the face of such a sick bastard.

What strikes me is you have to allow him time with the children, albeit supervised. This wreaks of stupidity. Why should any you g child have to face such a sick bastard and be placed at risk, when he was cowrcively controlling them and frightening them too?? Does this mean attempted murder isn't enough to make his rights as a Dad to be forfeited? I would not agree ANY unsupervised access Ever. Trust yr instincts. His hours of his job is outside supervised access hours , because that his his very on purposeful plan, to guilt you into unsupervised access, where you are there instead of professionals. A siick bastard is always sceming like a sick bastard.

*strength
Sorry for errors
I love the fact that your neighbour is tiny yet mighty brave. Love it. Give her a cuddle from me!

You are amazing to bravely stand up to him! Don't stop! xo

Well done OP. And what a brilliant thing to do to spread your word, and show your now peace to all those who need it x

Wow, you're a brave person. I wish you all the best for your future. I hope your eloquent words inspire other women.

Hi now - fantastic you got out - what a bastard.
Re children and contact. Is it supervised? Then if this is the findings DO NOT let him have the children unsupervised. If he can’t do it that’s his problem. In fact have you a restraining order or a non molestation order.
He will be very manipulating. 🌺

Thank you so much for your kind words. The complication (and the reason the police weren’t involved) is that happened when we lived in another country where women’s rights aren’t as straight forward. It’s also why I couldn’t leave and had to get him to leave as I would have really struggled to get the children out or if I couldn’t then get the children back...we had no family around but as I said some amazing friends.

We are both from the UK but met abroad and have always lived abroad, he could be so lovely for short periods on holidays and I was too embarrassed to tell people at home what was happening. He was livid with me when I told him that I was moving back to the UK and round the corner from my parents...

At the end of the school year I got the children’s first report...he spent years telling me I was crazy and the children would be better without me, he let me stay etc...each of my children was praised for their confidence in that first report after I made him leave and got them home. Every single other report has spoken about how nice it would be if they contributed etc. I said this to DD (13) - she turned round and said - when you can laugh at home without being scared it’s much easier to not be scared you’ll be laughed at at school. I cried so much that evening. But when you’re in it it’s so slow...and you think you’re protecting everyone.

Back in the UK he has been on best behaviour - I know this is a front. They only see him for 20 minutes at a time and whilst they want to I will do it. My DD is the only one old enough to really decide. I really am trying to do the best - I know it sounds crazy that I tolerate it but I don’t want them to tell me I kept them from him.

He has the earning potential of about 10 times mine as we lived abroad for his career. He pays zero maintenance. None of that matters. Our life on paper looks hard. It’s so joyful. I said to a friend that I thought everyone dreaded the weekends...I did as a child (it’s all just a little bit of history repeating...). She looked me in the eye and said those should always be the best times, that’s the time you chose. Those words stuck with me.

I hope someone can hear this and find the strength in themselves.

Same OP. Its horrifying to watch that episode. My situation is with the police and womens aid. Assault and stalking. These men escalate like crazy once you break the spell so please be careful when you're leaving. Have a safe space to go and safe people/agencies in place to help you.

I so glad you got out too @Stuckandsad. I do feel somewhat unsure about using agencies such as Women’s Aid...technically he has done nothing wrong here. I have a home (I don’t think he knows the address), and at the moment feel safe and in control of contact. I’m worried what happens when he becomes impatient...or wants more contact (which he hinted at last time I saw him...). I’m hoping mediation will help the joint parenting, possibly optimistic.

Cohersive control is against the law lovely. He has legally done something wrong. Even if you just go in for a coffee and a chat, it's so nice to have your voice heard by other women who understand xx