Speech at wake - poor relationship with parents

[UserThenLotsOfNumbers]

I went to the wake of a family friend today. He was a lovely man and a great dad to his (now middle aged) children. At the wake his son made a lovely speech about his Dad, how he was a great influence and taught him various things, life lessons, what a great Dad he was etc.

It made me think of when it's my parents' time to go. They aren't the worst by a long stretch, but for various reasons were dreadful parents. It made me sad to think I couldn't in all honesty stand up in front of everyone saying how wonderful my parents were.

Has anyone else felt this way?

Yes, I've thought about this. I'm dreading my father's funeral in particular. All his cronies will be there saying what a good bloke he was. This is a man who broke my mother's nose and terrorised me for most of my life. I have considered denouncing him in front of the congregation a la Eastenders but chances are I'll just stay schtum and leave as soon as he has disappeared through the curtain. There won't be a party or wake or anything. His clique can fuck off to the pub if they like. I won't be paying a penny.

(only child here.)

I’ve seen this a couple of times, mum with my alcoholic emotional abuser grandfather and my ex with alcoholic philandering financial emotional abuser FIL. They both did the best they could while being honest - in as much as neither said anything that wasn’t true but managed to winkle out the odd true bye positive anecdote or memory. You don’t have to gush, but there’s hopefully something you could think of. With my granddad it was a certain type of biscuit he’s buy us and the music he liked to listen to. Mum didn’t say she loved him or missed him or that he was wonderful, just painted a brief picture of his less objectionable qualities! He was a good friend, which helped, much better to his friends than his family.

Of course you don’t have to say anything at all, if anyone asks just say it’s too difficult - which will also be true.

There was a lovely scene in Veep where she gives the eulogy at her mothers funeral, struggles through it (she loathed her mother) and as she comes down from the podium someone takes her hand, leans in end whispers “ I hated my father” which is all that she needed to hear. Quite touching really. Other people will get it.

At the funeral of my horrible and dead parent, we had the curate do the eulogy. She didn't know us or him, but spent an hour or so with us a week beforehand asking questions about his life - she'd done it before and without us saying anything had clocked the situation and asked us how we wanted to play it. She made a point of acknowledging the alcoholism and impact on the rest of his family over time - everyone there knew the situation, realised it wasn't straightforward and there were mixed emotions.

This was far, far better than my uncle's eulogy which didn't mention he'd spent the last 20 years of his life in a wheelchair unable to speak with MS! That was done by a family friend who made it sound like he'd spent his twenties and thirties partying, travelling and playing football until his unexpected death at 40. It was bizarre and nonsensical.

But with your parents, OP, you just need to organise the funeral and not organise anything for afterwards, so there wouldn't be the opportunity to say anything. Personally I'd have a holiday booked for immediately afterwards.

When you see what other people have had and lost, it underlines what you don’t. It’s very hard.

I've been NC with my mum for about 5 yrs and with my dad for over 30 yrs. I won't be attending either of their funerals.

We all deserve loving parents, but unfortunately we don't all get them.

Hmmm I think my mums would be.... Great horse woman, fed the horses top notch food and we kids ate paper and dog biscuits when we were hungry..... Dad drank too much till it affected his memory and personality. Hes a good friend to his pub buddies. I'm not sure I should be writing their eulogies

I don't think I will even go to mine. It will no doubt cause outrage in the family but then the family don't know what they did.
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Yes. I guess you could just read a poem/song not ding dong the witch is dead and be done with it.

I think I'd say whats on my mind.
My parent are and were terrible.
Drink with my dad. Other men and selfishness with my mum.

I think I'd just say how I wish I had better parents and I'm sorry it's too late now.
I'd be sad..... but sad for what I never had but could have, if only they had been better parents and grandparents.

That's me tho. I struggle to bite my tongue..... I'd probably raise a glass to the end of my 'longing for good parents, and to never feeling loved by either of them'

🤷🏼‍♀️

My db just did this for my dad. My dm was telling her sister how horrible df was to db last week. It's true, they didn't get on at all. He got the grandkids to write stuff and cracked some low level jokes/anecdotes. It's doable.

I'm dreading my dm's funeral. She gets pissed every night then bollocks me for not visiting. My db has walked out on her tonight.

OP you don't have to speak, either at the funeral or afterwards. I didn't for my parent, and I won't for the other. Only child here - not close at all to parents, one was a bullying, angry person who I was terrified of as a child. Do what you need to do, not what others might expect you to do. I have counselling (due to abusive marriage in the past) and my counsellor has been great at talking through this stuff with me.

Thanks all for your kind messages. I'm also an only child. I won't be doing speeches at my parents' funerals as it would be too hypocritical. My Dad's family who all think he's amazing can if they want though! My mum doesn't have a family (who talk to her) so hers will be challenging.

"When you see what other people have had and lost, it underlines what you don’t. It’s very hard."
This is absolutely true and what I am experiencing.

Also, lol at ding dong the witch is dead!