How to move on?

[Proudteachermummy]

Hi,

Just looking for some advice.
Over the last year myself and my husband have been through some really challenging times. About this time last year rather big domestic incident happened between, which involved alcohol and was completely out of character for my husband over the last 16 years. Outside agency had to be involved but some how we got through that time and remained together.
Not long after that I become very ill and was admitted to hospital and spent two months recovering.
Then in January we lost my FIL, he had been very poorly and myself and DH spent the last two weeks of his life living with him and caring for him (popping back every few days to see our children).
Then my brother and his partner had a baby, as she has no family I spent lots of time supporting them.
Things have now all calmed down, but I'm now doubting my own marriage and if we should still be together after what happened.
I do love him very much and there are times when all the crap seems to have gone, then bang its back there in my head what happened.
He has remained tee total since it all happened and is really trying hard, he hA been amazing support during my illness and when his dad died.

I can't really talk about exactly what happened and no one in the real world knows the true either, I'm not sure if that's part of the reason I can't let go and move on.

I can't imagine a life without him but also can't seem to shake off that night.

It’s hard to say without knowing what happened tbh. There are things I would forgive and things I wouldn’t. If a third party was involved, I’m thinking that he beat you up, defrauded you, or raped you. All would be dealbreakers for many on here.

Have you seen a counsellor to work through how you feel?

I'm guessing he beat you up or smashed something when drunk.
If he is determined to remain sober and it was a one off and the rather big domestic incident wasn't ABH or involving the DC I'd stay but it will always be there in the back of your mind.
I don't know the details and can only say what I would do.

If there is any possibility that the being nice is just a show, I'd leave. If there is any risk at all to DC I'd leave.

Just re-read the OP - you need to find someone to tell. Try victim support. I think the name might be different depending on where you are. I am a regular poster using a different account.

Thank you both for replying.
The DCs were never and still aren't in any danger. The incident happened when they were having a sleep over at my parents house. We have had social services involved after what happened with the case being closed after all their investigations.

We spent some time apart after it happened, with him only seeing the children and not myself.

I think because so many things have happened since, we have just kind of got on with things without really facing that night. I think about it so much now and still can't quite comprehend it all. Sorry I'm not making a lot of sense but just writing it down is helping in a way.
I know people can't really help without knowing what happened.

OP,

Not sure what happened but it was obviously very serious.

You are not getting over it because you have been so busy, and have never had the chance to process it.

You need time and space, and possibly some counseling, to figure out where you are at.

If he's been a genuinely good husband before the incident, and you have said he has been a great support since, maybe with counseling, you will move forward.

Only you know this.

However, without taking the time to really reflect, process, and accept what happened in your own time, you are really stuck.

You will stay stuck until you deal with it.

G'luck.

Thanks @billy1966
I have had so much going on and distraction, now things have calmed down and it's the summer holidays, I am no longer able to distract myself from it. I am laying here with it all running though my head. He is the only person I can talk to about it as no one else knows what really happened but I can't really talk to him I don't want to hurt him.
I'm so confused and lost

Well clearly what you are doing is not working for you.

Make an appointment to speak to someone.

When you know how you feel, then perhaps you can speak with your husband.

Being very pissed off with, and trying to protect someone, at the same time, is a very, very difficult position to be in at the best of times.

This was in your mind a very serious situation.

You are not going to move forward while you remain hugely pissed off, disappointed, unforgiving, and all at the same time trying not to hurt your husband's feelings.

If he has caused this, then despite his trying to move on with it, he will have to own the damage caused.

Through speaking with someone, you can tease out exactly where you are at.

Otherwise you will remain stuck.

G'luck.

He has remained tee total since it all happened

Bare minimum requirement there.

and is really trying hard

Go on...

he hA been amazing support during my illness

Bare minimum.

and when his dad died

So he should. That's HIS Dad. He should bloody well be thanking you.

Why are you standards and expectations so low? What does HE ever do for YOU?

I highly doubt that whatever serious act of violence he committed upon you which warranted social services involvement (!) was the first act of domestic violence in your relationship. He's likely been abusive for years, you just didnt recognise it. Please read up on coercive control, and emotional and psychological abuse (including in a sexual context). I would imagine you will find some of his core relationship behaviours there.

@PicInRed yes this was the first time anything like that had happened.
No I am not in a domestic abuse situation, I have my own full time career, can go out and do my own things, not isolated from my friends and family. Social services didn't just spend time with myself and husband, but also the DC and interviewed my family. They recognised it as being a one off incident, hence they are no longer involved.

@billy1966 thank you, you have been very helpful and I think you are right I need to talk to someone and work out where I'm at. I'll have a look today at some counselling.