A few hours with a narcissist and im a jibbering wreck

[Pinkbonbon]

A work relationship technically, but a relationship none the less lol.

So I volunteer for an organisation and at training there was this guy …. … lets just say I'm not the only one who noticed early on he was...cluster b inclined, shall we say. I've been lucky enough not to have to work alongside him, until today. I went in with the mindset of 'don't give too much of yourself away' because these sorts like to use that against you (but i never thought he would do that in just one meeting!) but...they have a way of pulling it out of you and finding your weaknesses you know.

I thought I was being vague, but not vague enough obv - as he literally had me crying within a couple of hours (not normal behaviour for me). Actually crying. Ugh, mortified. It was just us so he was bombarding me with questions and I could only deflect so many.

Ugh its so frustrating not to have the words. I can see it more in the way he was trying to make me feel. But like he said 'you're wasting your life', 'you don't listen', 'you're so frustrating' (because I wasn't giving him what he wanted and was trying to deflect his questions). Then when he saw he had upset me he was like 'I didn't mean to' and I didn't respond so he was like 'you're calling me a liar, now you've put your foot in it' (yeah, dinaglingaling alarm bell lol). Also, gem, 'I had you pegged within 30 seconds of meeting you' ….standard narc line right lol xD

They run circles around you, change their words, accuse you of changing your words/lying. Basically project their shit onto you.
And now I don't know if I have to email the boss pre-emptively incase he messages to tell her I'm a wreck or some shit. I think im gonna let it go as they know me so they know I'm not that way anyway.

It just brings back so much if what I've experienced in the past and it's like, even though I've got good at spotting them, there is still no protecting yourself from them in environments that you have to be in. To be fair I could have just walked out but I didn't want to let anyone down, plus you know, he would have used it against me :/

Anyway, just looking for a bit of moral support I guess. A virtual 'there there' so I can stop kicking myself and going over it in my head as to how I could have changed the outcome. But the guy said himself he ha worked in psychology for 13 years so yeah...I guess anyone can be bested by a super narc with that kind of specialisation in reading others lol.

Think I need something stronger than a cuppa.
Man, people are scary.
Feel like I've been through a ringer. On the bright side I guess I know my narc alarm is working.

Oh, remembered another gem - 'you've wasted your life'. Lol. What the actual?!

I was told by a narcissistic I work with, that "he made me". Actually, no you haven't "made me"...I'm successful in my field because of ME, not you. I hear you OP, they are just awful human beings who direct their insecurities onto other people

He sounds horrific. Sorry this happened to you. We can't always defend against these types because they spend their whole dismal waking lives playing these games and perfecting them. He is bored and empty and will die lonely. Whereas you get to leave his shit behind and be a nice person with the other nice people in the world! So you win really. You can feel more real joy in one week than these people can feel in a lifetime.

I'm not sure I understand what he did to make you cry? Just ask lots of questions?

Lol, no, it's hard to explain. They basically get as much details about you as possible and then use them to get in your head.

Like you wouldn't think some random could have any power over you. I mean, who cares what a random person thinks of you anyway lol. Until you experience their kind targeting you it's hard to put into words.

But when someone is trying to tell you who you are - the frustration of it got to me I think. Like the bare faced cheek of this guy sitting there telling me who I am, how I should be living my life ect….and basically just slating you of course lol.

Are you going to have to work with him again? If so, hope you can just laugh at the bare faced arseishness of him.

I think you could email the boss with a factual account, perhaps asking not to be put with this guy again. Maybe you are not the first and it may begin to highlight the dropout rate of volunteers?

Like at one point, I felt the need to down play it because I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he had upset me so I said it was just allergies. But he kept on at me and I admitted he had upset me and he went 'so you're a liar then'. Frustrating as feck. It's the language choice they use ...so emotive and nasty.

Luckily that was my last time at this branch as my main branch so i'll only be there again in future to fill in if anyone is off. I can ask the lady in charge not to put him with me again if need be. Just not sure if I should say something now or not.

It’s a volunteer role, yes? If I were you I’d email your boss or whoever is in charge and say that whilst you appreciate this may be hard to arrange, you would really like not to be rota-ed on with this person again, as it was a difficult/distressing/upsetting experience today. You’re emailing in confidence as you don't wish to raise an issue with the other person generally, but that it triggered you personally and so you’d greatly appreciate not having to face that again.

I think you should email your boss and explain the type of personal and unprofessional statements he was making to you. Say he made you feel incredibly uncomfortable and you’d prefer not to have to work with him again.

Sorry OP I’ve no advise but I think my neighbours are like what you’ve experienced. Watching with interest.

Hope you don’t have to see the person again!

Oh that's awful and so narcissistic that your admission he upset you was also then used to attack you again! They are nasty pieces of work. I'd be considering having an informal word with the head of the branch along the lines of warning what he is and what he's like. He'll be expecting that though so I'd want to be clear it was so they can keep an eye on him, not have a word with him, as he'll be manufacturing a potential defence right now I'll be bound. Presumably he's volunteering because they're keen for volunteers and don't like to give them the heave ho. Found himself a stalking ground, hasn't he?

See the thing is there was another incident when it was my first day on shift and this other guy that worked there said 'Oh not her, I HATE her! She is the only one I don't like' to me, loudly about another colleague who had just entered the room (wanting her to hear).

And I made a point of informing the boss because as far as I'm concerned that was bullying and I wanted it dealt with because people in charity work should at least be decent human beings as far as I'm concerned and feck letting them away with that sh*t. Apparently this wasn't the first instance of this from him and yet he still works there :/

So I already asked to not work with this guy because I just refuse to work with someone nasty like that. Anyway, I wont be working with either of them again and that is that. Unfortunately charity work seems to attract a lot of people whoa aren't the nicest... who aren't really there to help people, they are there to tell other people they help people.

Are you sure you want to continue volunteering for this charity? They sound very unsupportive.

I've let the lead volunteer from that establishment know that something was up today and that basically 'we don't want to work together again'. I didn't want to go into detail over text. She isn't the boss but she has say in the shifts. She knew the sort of person he was too but I think she would be shocked at what occurred.

Lets hope that's that because if he got in touch with anyone he would have to admit to upsetting me and I don't think he'll want to do that.

You know the fucked up thing was he actually had the cheek to offer me a lift to the train station! At the end of the shift. I had to bite my tongue not to tell him to f*ck off! Unbelievable how he went from complimenting to insulting to being nice to nasty at the drop of a hat. Wish it could have been showed to people as an informative video lol.

Well I have changed branch to where these guys don't work and they are really short staffed there so I don't want to leave them high and dry but there are two new volunteers due so maybe once they have done a few shifts I'll put in my notice.

I'm confused - in what line of work do these sort of conversations happen? It sounds like bullying to me "you've wasted your life" - that's bullying, at least highly inappropriate. I work in higher education - never could I imagine a conversation like this without consequences for someone.

Write out a factual account for your records now, in case you need it in the future. And never let anyone speak to you like that again in the workplace. Draw hard fast impermeable lines.

Try this: Imagine you are in an enclosure with a high wall. You are very comfortable and have plenty of space around yourself. He's on the other side. He cannot touch the essential you. Use the wall to keep him out and knock him over. Take no shit, let nothing 'go'. If he's says something inappropriate say "I think that's inappropriate". If he says something bullying tell him that sounds like bullying. If he asks you to explain - don't, just say "would you like talk to the line manager about this?" Look him in the eyes totally expressionless. He'll soon back off. Shit like this pick on sensitive people - I've been there - the only way is to stand up for yourself. Looking back - all the times I wished I had of done this instead of absorbing this crap. It's neither here or there if he's a narcissist or whatever - just block him out and knock him over. Done.

See he did it with the 'im only giving you advice', 'I only wanted to help' shit patter that these sorts come out with.

Basically the just of it was im doing a few little bits and bobs right now, trying to determine what is right for me before I look for a career, happy enough with that for now . And that became me being 'unfocussed', 'undiciplined', 'wasting my life' ect…

People like him feed off of others misery because they are so insecure themselves, is usually ingrained in childhood with methods they have perfected over the years. Very few change! Methods I've found to work is go fully grey rock, use the power of the word ok or a few of the phrases I've written below. Bullies at their worst as they can be superficially charming.
I do not understand why you think that.
If that's what you think/believe then I'm not going to try to convince you otherwise
What did you say?
I don't understand you.
I'm not afraid of you.
Your perspective is interesting.
I don't expect anything more from you.
You are reacting how I expect you too.
I'm sorry you think/feel like that.
Your anger is illogical/misplaced.
I have no right to control how you see things.
Your perception of me is faulty, but I cannot change how you think.
That does not deserve a response.
That is your reality not mine.
Why would you say things so devaluing to a person?That's an awful trait to have.
Ok, if that's how you feel
How you are reacting is not normal.
OK
I'm sorry you feel that way.
I can accept your faulty perception of me - discredit them.
I have no right to control how you see me - accepting their paranoia.
I do not agree but you have a right to feel however you want just like I do.
Not all may be applicable but hope it helps, don't be his supply to his narcissism, it will only affect you badly, he will have had years of practice at this don't beat yourself up!

I did actually use 'I'm sorry you feel that way' at one point haha. Always good to knock their own bullshit back at them. Along with 'You don't even know me' and 'What makes you think I care to hear your advice?'. But alas, too long in close proximity and he broke through the defences.