Relationship crunch time and then his sister died

[Bbub]

Hi all

DP and I have had a rocky few months and I was questioning our future, then he pulled his finger out and made some changes and I was happy to continue.. then his sister died in traumatic circumstances (she killed herself).

I started to worry about what this would do to our relationship as I knew he would be taking more responsibility of the family and he even wants to take custody of her daughter. As well as being supportive about his loss I asked how this would impact us (we are long distance and i know it would mean seeing each other less)..he didnt know and said he needed to think.

I said ok take your time but i cant be there emotionally as much as i would want to be while our future is so uncertain. He wants me to be his rock because he confides in no one else about his feelings, and thinks im selfish for not putting my feelings to the side for his sake.

Unfortunately he hasn't always been there for me when ive gone through shit, if he had it would be different. ive got a lot to give but dont want to drain myself (my own mental health is very fragile at times) when i might be picking up the pieces on my own.

Does that even make sense? I feel very lost and dont know if i am a selfish arsehole. I've begged him to get counselling so he has someone else to confide in but won't.

To me, it’s very unfair of him to make you his emotional crutch. Especially as this is a difficult situation and as you cannot really be objective about his niece as it is a situation that also effects you.

I think maybe you both need some space. He has to deal with his loss and make his own decisions regarding his new family responsibilities. He cannot expect you to be part of that. As a long distance couple, it is not the same as if you were living together in my opinion. Also, you need some space to process how you feel about him. If things were rocky anyway, these changes may mean that the relationship doesn’t work for you in the same way that it did.

I’m so sorry that you are in such a difficult position.

Oh gosh, that must be so hard for him (and you too)

I honestly think the best thing might be for you both to put the relationship back to friendship, so that you can support him when you feel emotionally able to, but when you're low on energy you can ignore him without feeling too guilty.

Yes he deserves support but you need to look after yourself, and it doesn't sound like he's gone out of his way to support you in the past.

How long have you been together?

I stayed with my kids dad for years because he threatened suicide..and then after that I had a relationship with a very toxic person who when I eventually felt good about breaking free then decided he needed someone to lean on due to issues in his family, and I stupidly got dragged back in.

After wasting so many years I've vowed never again, when something is over for me it's going to be over, it doesn't matter what the circumstances are for them.

It's hard but you need to do what is right for you, no one knows what the future holds, you could support him through this and then want to end it in a couple of years and something else happens.
It's better to make the break if that's what you want.

‘Put your feelings aside for his sake’. Your relationship is based on your (mutual) feelings! As he needs time to think, then let him have it. But he can hardly ask you to help him decide whether he should prioritise things other than you. He can’t have it both ways.
It’s understandable he’s in shock and trying to figure what he can do, but that really is a decision he and his family have to make.

Sounds like you need to take a break from each other. I had a similar situation with my ex - crunch time for the relationship and then his mother got diagnosed with terminal bowel cancer.
We agreed to take a break as he couldn't find any time to see me but immediately went back on his word - and left me hanging for months. I truly think we'd have got through it if we'd have taken that break so he could get his head around what was happening. Instead, he caused numerous arguments and made me feel like the most awful unfeeling person in the world.

You can't take all of this on alone. If he's unwilling to talk with a counsellor there's not much else you can do until he's ready to do so.

So you're long distance and don't live together or have any financial ties?

We have been together about a year but known each other and been close a lot longer.

No, we dont live together and have no financial ties.

Thanks everyone for your comments. I think i will have to stick to my guns about having some (more) distance between us while things settle down. Im not sure if i can say the words about having a break at the moment, but I will have to eventually if this continues.