Hi thanks for the responses, yes we definitley both need counselling after losing our son, i dont know how any parent could cope with the death of a child without it to be honest. I had one set of counselling for 8 weeks from march onwards then had a break and started counselling again about a month ago. My partner has counselling for about 4 weeks but then stopped and hasnt gone back, thats recently become my fault as well why he couldnt go because he said he was worried about me. But he arranged to go when he was at work, which i didnt get at the time. He used to leave work just after lunch then return to work after he had had the session, i dont think anyone would ever really express themselves fully and let it out if they did counselling like that. He didnt have to do it he works a set shift pattern with always same days off. He choose to do it like that. So i dont think hes ever really got out his feelings about our soons death. Im just the blame for everything.
Before our son died, our relationship wasnt perfect i dont think any relationship is. We had our problems but we were happy together and excited about the baby. Hes always been stubborn and that can be hard when we disagree, i had 3 previous miscarriages before the death of my son at 34 weeks so ive probably been quite needy for support in the relationship. But its like the grief and roller coaster weve been on since leo died to now be pregnant again has magnified everything that was wrong about us and made it 10 times worse, i probably need more support then ever and hes even more stubborn. He has never spoken to me like that i was totally shocked. I didnt feel like i knew him to be honest.. he was like a stranger to me.
His drinking regularly on a night at home is all a new thing since our son died that started after the recent miscarriage. He has hidden bottles of alcohol hes bourght and made out hes having an orange juice but its actually full of vodka. Its not an odd beer here or there its strong spirits hes having all the time. He cant go out for a few drinks anymore every night hes out or goes to a friends house it turns into a big night out. The blaming me for everything thing has started since hes been drinking.. hes practically blamining me for my sons death.. he said he hates his life and thats because he met me.
So think hes blaming me for whats happened with the miscarriages and my sons death why we dont have any kids.. you know i get it he wants that for his life.and we havent got it.
i wouldnt be bothered about him going out if it was helping, ive never been a girlfriend texting asking 'where are you?' I like to think we have or had trust between us.. i just dont like the lies. After everything we've been through it hurts a lot when hes lieing to me over such insignificant stuff.. its not even worth a lie, unless theres something hes not telling me.
I dont even know if i should be reporting him missing to someone because i havent heard from him at all since monday night, its really worrying what could have happened to him. I think he will be upset about what he said and that it all came out in anger at me.. but hes just so stubborn he wont admit it.
I just feel so sad i really do.. its so hard to keep picking yourself up after child loss, our son died at one day old so we were there when he died. Its the worst memory in the world to have in your head. Theres no thinking oh well he had a good life, or it was his time...to help you cope with the loss.. you cant feel like that about a baby.. theres no understanding to it... its just pue sadness that never leaves you, you just start to find a way to cope.
Thanks for all your messages and advice i appreciate it.