Thinking of separation - getting ducks in a row

[Crazykidscrazylife]

As above really, I’m a SAHM with 2 primary school children in an unhappy marriage. No abuse or anything of concern but thinking of separating. How do I begin to protect our interests? No job yet but when I get one it will be basic wage. Mortgage & bills too high for me to take on myself.

When people say they are getting their ducks in a row... what are they doing? What do I need to gather?

I'm in a similar position..I have opened a bank account in my name and have started to put little bits of money away there. Getting information about what I am entitled to financially, I am in Uni so will find it hard to work full time. Its hard isn't it?

The thought can be overwhelming. It’s just knowing where to start before embarking on spending a lot of money with solicitors. Hoping someone will come along soon to give us both some advice 🤞

See a solicitor and find out what you could realistically get. At some point they'll want copies of your H's wage slip and pension, so copies of them if you can get it.

Do a calculation on entitledto.com and find out what help you could get. Look up child maintainence and find out what he would have to pay you. Write down all potential income and how much your rent and bills would be. Look at rentals online and see what you could afford.

I wrote lists as it helps me order my thoughts. I also wrote all the places I'd have to change my name (I went back to my maiden name almost straight away). Start writing an address change list. It will be longer than you think with all the online stuff.

I had a reasonably paying job when it all came apart.
I couldn’t leave for about a year.
So I did as much overtime as I could, saving up. I bought NOTHING. For a whole year.

My plan was to have enough money for a deposit on a place of my own.

I looked for houses in various ares, houses I could afford. I looked at schools, transport.
I knew villages would be a bad idea, I needed somewhere close to work and a school nearby.
I knew I could save money by not commuting anymore.

I calculated how much everything would cost and cut my cloth accordingly.

My suggestion would be
Job
House
Schools

I was never on benefits, so I can’t help with any of that, but perhaps it’s worth looking into possible entitlements?

HTH

You mention "our interests" and "both of us advice"
Are you talking about your husband?
Then he is the person you need to talk to. It ABSOLUTELY in both your interests to amicably split to ensure you both have a home and the kids have a relationship with both parents.

Will you split time with the children 50/50?
Who will stay in the family home or will you need to sell so you can both buy a new home.

Thank you for your replies. To answer questions ‘protect our interests’ refers to the children and I. H earns well and will continue to do so whereas I am back to basic wage when I get a job. ‘Both of us advice’ refers to myself and the first reply who is in the same situation, I was hoping someone could give us both advice.

Thank you for the website reference, I’ll check it out. CM calculators seem very basic considering the kids would be with me 80% of the time. I don’t see how 50/50 would work given my husband’s hours.

I totally agree though it is in both our interests to amicably split though I am prepared for a lot of hurt and then anger at what I am going to propose. Which doesn’t always generate the best outcome.

At primary school the benefits system will expect you to work at least part time, term time so get your cv in order and start applying for jobs. Second point to to gather all your important documents and either store at a friend/family member you can trust or photocopies if removing them is suspicious. Change passwords/codes t your laptop and phone. Next is working out your benefits entitlement, set yourself up with a government gateway benefits account, use "entitled to" or similar to see what would be paid out, on a low income unless your ex is very wealthy you are better off renting because they will pay as tricky as that is - you can approach your council for advice on going on the housing register and they would provide emergency housing but best avoided if you can - you will need approximately 6 weeks living expenses plus deposit ideally to cover until benefits kicks in, child maintenance can take longer so don't calculate that in. I've helped people in your circumstances get organised, really money is the key thing, but a lot depends on your partner, how volatile they are - some people can cope ok and continue to share a house (I am) others have to leave immediately

Gather all information about all assets that belong to either of you. Pensions, savings, insurance, mortgage, cars, properties , his income including bonus, tax returns.

Make copies and store out of the house with a trusted friend or on the cloud. DONT keep on your phone.

Could you go back to college or train for a better paid job ?

Every time you go to the supermarket , take £10 or £20 out as cash back. Save for an hour with a solicitor.