Please someone help me come to sense with what I've been feeling for the last 5 years.
Sorry this is going to be a little bit of a long one.
I am currently with my partner who I have been with for the last 4 years, he's lovely however in so many ways we are such different people.
We have different values to life, he is very much materialistic. ( a trait I struggle with)
This didn't occur to me until around 2 years into our relationship, by this point I was living with him. We started to have problems when we moved in with one another. I probably should of left then but I was young and naive.
I thought things would work out and we was both just stressed over work. I clearly didn't realise what we was about to face and thought life would be all roses and daisys.
We then brought a house together and began to renovate it. I had wanted a family for as long as I could remember and my partner decided he would like to try to! It was such an exciting time. It took us a year and I fell pregnant and then later had a late misscarriage.
We then moved again ( because he wanted to). I went on to have a further 3 miscarriages. These almost destroyed me, to the point where I didn't know what I wanted out of my life anymore.
He says he was supportive but I didn't feel that support at all, in fact I would say he was more selfish than anything.
I fell out with his family due to their nasty comments when we had a miscarriage and I have now forgiven them because they say they realise what they said was wrong. ( never any apology though)
I believe his mum would probably be perfectly happy if we was to split. To be totally honest, i really don't like the women. she's so spiteful, and kicked me to the kerb when I was at my lowest point. She lies and causes dramas between the family and then plays victim. In my eyes, she's one of the worse types of women.
Honestly, I don't know how I stayed so strong after the things she said to me, he did eventually speak to his mum and they fell out however she never once apologised for her spiteful comments and this kills me.
Now we are living together in a house that needs renovating, with a question mark lurking over our heads to exactly why we can't have children. Life has been pretty shit the last 2 years. I can't seem to find away of seeing it getting any better.
Now, the point of the post being about the confusing 5 years is because of an ex.
I'm not sure I ever fell out of love with him and he certainly is making it obvious he didn't with me either. Is it ridiculous to say I wish he could come rescue me from this mess?
We have had on of contact for the last 5 years as friends ( partner knows).
However more recently he was asking about our relationship and I told him my struggles.
He explained that for the last 3 years he knew I wasn't happy.. in fact everyone of my friends say it.
He said that I obviously need to work everything out with my current partner but it's obviously killing him. We seem to be drawn together for some reason. I have no way of explaining it.
We could go months not talking and one of us caves, it's like we need that contact and we need to be able to speak to each other ( ridiculous I know).
Hes recently said that he has regrets, he wishes he never let me go in the first place. I thought my reaction would be a huge F u but if I'm honest with myself I'm probably completely still in love with him too. I spent so many years fighting this feeling as he broke my heart.
I fell to pieces when we split and my friends and family became angry at him for letting this happen to me. So I never mentioned how much I love and miss him as I know my friends and family would give me a huge sigh and probably have ago at me.
I feel like everything we both do to fight these feelings and not be together some how gets turnt on its head.
How do I get over him and move on with my life? I know I need to. I've spent the last 5 years wondering " what if". When I should be looking into the future with my current partner who has good intentions.