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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Heartbreak - any tips?

18 replies

TheGirlWhoLovedTomGordon · 07/08/2019 09:22

Just what the title says really.

Been separated from H for 21 months. Not seriously dated anyone as I have 3 DC aged 13, 10 and 6, so was mindful of the big change and wanted to focus on them.

Finally let someone in and he has fucked me over.

How can I get over it? Currently on my way to work and feeling so shit, 3 days on.

I hate this Sad

Would love to know some ways to forget about it all.

OP posts:
Pinkmonkeybird · 07/08/2019 09:42

Lick your wounds, hold your head up high and carry on concentrating on yourself and your DC.

Also, count yourself lucky you've dodged the bullet with this recent arsehole. Please don't start thinking it is 'you', as you clearly deserve better. I'd just try to distract yourself with the DC and other things in your life..hobbies, exercise, friends etc.

Pensionista · 07/08/2019 10:06

It happened to me many times when I was young and in a similar situation to you. Looking back I can see I was vunerable and lonely. It's not easy bringing up three kids on your own. I made many mistakes for which I'm now sorry. Knowing what I know now and if I could zoom back in time, I would concentrate solely on giving my kids the best life I could. I would appreciate them more and enjoy them more. I would create as many good memories for them as I could. I'd leave men out of the equasion as long as possible. I'd learn self esteem, believe I deserved the best and accept nothing less. I would also know that if anyone 'fucked' me over, it would mean I had a lucky escape, because he wouldn't be worth Jack Shit. I would learn from the experience and move on, and not give the fucker a second thought. He was not the right person for you, but he's given you the chance to see where and why you went wrong, and to some time in the future, when the time is right, to give you the opportunity to meet a decent bloke that deserves you. I did and have been married to the love of my life for 38 years. Stay strong girl. This to shall pass.

Original poster
TheGirlWhoLovedTomGordon · 07/08/2019 11:10

Thank you so much. You're so kind. It's a struggle isnt it?

This is the third time hes done a bunk. I just dont understand. But I dont want to anymore. I just want to be able to forget about it.

OP posts:
Pensionista · 07/08/2019 11:45

Kick him to the kirb in the gutter where he belongs. Don't even try to 'understand' he's just a shit, not worth your spit. You have your whole life ahead of you, don't waste your precious time on him. I wish I had done this when I was young. It's about valuing yourself and self respect. When you do this, you will attract people who will respect you in the future. In the meantime do something really nice for yourself and tell yourself you are now starting a new life. Seek out friends who make you laugh.

Original poster
TheGirlWhoLovedTomGordon · 07/08/2019 16:25

Thank you all Smile

OP posts:
KevinKlineSwoon · 07/08/2019 16:40

Don't give him the power of getting to you. You are a strong, independent woman who doesn't need him. Do not get in touch with him. You'll be fine!
This happened to me too. A year after I split from my ExH I started dating someone who seemed to be lovely (or I chose to see that) but he dumped me on Christmas Eve. He came crawling back (as they all do) and I took great delight in saying no.

Miniloso · 07/08/2019 22:14

Yup me too. Currently getting over a bastard dysfunctional arsehole I met post divorce.
It gets better day by day. As soon as you feel angry jump on it. These men do not change, I gave mine three chances and he totally screwed me over again.

Original poster
TheGirlWhoLovedTomGordon · 07/08/2019 23:00

I'm so so hurt. I hate this so much. Fuck him!!

Sorry you're struggling too Mini Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGirlWhoLovedTomGordon · 08/08/2019 04:40

I cant sleep. I miss him. How the fuck do I do this? Sad

OP posts:
Mileysmiley · 08/08/2019 04:48

Men! You don't need this idiot to make you feel bad. I would carry on as normal and don't let him see how upset you are. I would also get a replacement asap and make sure he knows about it!

Monty27 · 08/08/2019 04:52

You dipped your toe in the water. It wasn't good. Take your time

Miniloso · 08/08/2019 08:09

I was awake at 5am too churning it over in my mind. Then fell asleep and had a dream about him. I just feel like a used, wrung out dishcloth 😕

Original poster
TheGirlWhoLovedTomGordon · 08/08/2019 09:58

Mini, me too. Hes back on dating sites already. Absolute slime.

Thank you Miley and Monty.

Taking the youngest two DC and their friend to the park later. Should take my mind off it. They all go to their Dads for two days later on, so I'll be alone, aside from work tomorrow, from 5pm today til 4pm Saturday. My best friend is out of town and I'm going to be lonely with nothing to do but sit and think it over.

Why do they do it?

OP posts:
Miniloso · 08/08/2019 10:38

My ex was back on dating sites within days. It’s because they are weak and insecure.

I too am suffering with feeling lonely. My two kids go away for 2 weeks next week and I feel awful and so empty.

Pensionista · 08/08/2019 11:09

To all of you who have been treated badly including myself, it's called life. You do have a choice. You can make yourself miserable thinking about the rat, whose not worth your spit, or you can take back your power that he took from you. I know it's hard at the moment and you think your never going to feel good again, but I PROMISE YOU you will. @TheGirlWhoLovedTomGordon why not make the decision to use your free time and do something lovely for yourself. Be your own best friend until your other one is back. You can be sure as eggs is eggs, he's not wasting his time thinking about you, so why would you waste your time to think about what's happened, because it won't change a thing. No one escapes life, but the trick is to really have a good talk with yourself and make some promises to yourself that you arn't going to make yourself miserable over a twaty toad dick shit. You WILL SURVIVE, you WILL GET OVER THIS, and one day you'll look back and think, why did I waste my time over a shit like him. I did and that's why you can take it from me sweetie you will to. Go on make a plan to do something lovely for yourself, give yourself a treat of something. Just keep busy on your free time and that will help. xx

Original poster
TheGirlWhoLovedTomGordon · 08/08/2019 17:07

Thank you Pensionista.

Took thr kids out today and then had lunch in the local. Now they've gone, I'm on my way to the gym. Maybe a few drinks later and an early night.

Baby steps.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 08/08/2019 17:11

No contact with the man you were dating.

Focus on self care.

Don’t tolerate any shit treatment, eg “doing a bunk” once = dump! If in doubt MNetters are very good for advice on dating and “boundaries”!

Might some of your current upset be compounded by other things, eg the separation / divorce?

Zippy25 · 08/08/2019 19:12

I can relate to your situation. It's a cliche but it really does get better in time.

As the previous poster said focus on self care. I find exercise helps with feeling better as well as having a laugh with friends.

You will look back eventually and wonder what you ever saw in him Thanks

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