Angry with the ‘Other Woman’

[Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain]

I split up from a narcissistic ex two years ago. Was with him a year, and he moved in with me. Resisted his attempts to hoover me back until last summer. We had a couple of months reconciliation, and then something finally clicked into place and I ditched him for good. He has been emailing monthly but it’s all gone ignored (it sits in my spam folder).

Tonight, an ex partner of his sought me out on Facebook and we ended up talking. He cheated on both of us with the other, it transpires and it sounds like she was ‘the other woman’, she never met his friends or family, got treated a lot worse than I did etc etc.

I knew he was a selfish, lying shit, but I didn’t realise he was cheating on me, that has come as a shock, even after all this time has passed.

But surprisingly, rather than feel angry with him, I feel angry with her and myself. Why when people feel crap, do they feel the need to spread that crap feeling around and dump it on someone who has worked really hard to put that stuff in the past?

And why didn’t I just ignore her fb message, and avoid all of these shit feelings being dredged up again? Am I subconsciously punishing myself??

Help. It’s 1am and I’m driving myself mental!!

I can't pretend to understand but you are just giving his treatment of you more power by getting upset that you are upset. Be angry for a while then forget the little shit.

You’re so right. I’m so sick of letting the negative get to me. It’s exhausting

In time you’ll probably be grateful to the OW for confirming how you already feel towards your ex. Don’t be angry anymore. If you don’t have any feelings for him, don’t waste any more on her either. Try and move past it and be happy that you ditched him when you did.

I don't get your anger with her at all. He's the cheater who played the both of you.

Um, what? She did you a favour by telling you. Just in case you were to get back with him, again. Why are you angry at her? You should be grateful to her for going out on a limb and contacting you. That takes bravery, it takes courage. You should thank her for being strong enough to tell you. Sorry but imo it is so messed up you are angry at her for telling you what you had a right to know. Threads like these just make me shake my damn head while saying 'what the fuck?' to myself. Seriously.

You're letting him live rent free in your head. How silly. He was a total fuckwit, and you know it. Be thrilled to be rid of him.

@SandyY2K abd @SaraNade I think ops anger at ow is more that she allowed herself to get played by this doucheknuckle, not that she was seeing him while he was still with op. (that's what I've taken from I feel angry with her and myself That's a justifiable anger in my opinion, and I'd also be angry with someone who's made me think of something I want to put in a box and forget, no matter what it is and their connection.

You were both cheated on. She let you know.
I don't think ow was being malicious. She probably felt sorry for you and that you deserved to know. Thank her and leave it there.

I'd also be angry with someone who's made me think of something I want to put in a box and forget, no matter what it is and their connection.

This. I had it all secure and I was feeling strong, and now it’s all loose and floating about in my head again.

You not feeling secure and strong is not her fault though. Time and time and time again on this site people say that they would want to know. That if you know a fellow sister is being cheated on, you should tell them. And someone did tell you. She thought she was doing the right thing telling you. I'm not saying it wouldn't hurt you, of course it would. But honesty is the best policy especially when it comes to the sisterhood. Like I said, she believed she was doing the right thing by letting you know. It is sad that it has made you feel so bad, but if it were me, I would still be so grateful for a fellow woman telling me the truth. It will save you heartache down the track. Your feelings are valid, but she actually was looking out for you and she did the right thing. Hopefully in time you will come to realise that.

I kind of understand why you'd be a bit angry at her for dredging it all up when you'd started to recover. But it really doesn't make any sense at all for you to be angry at her and at yourself but not the actual person who has treated you both very badly.

Assuming that the ow knew you and ex where now separated, seeking you out on Facebook to tell you of ex partners cheating sounds more like she was looking to get her own needs addressed, not taking one for the sisterhood. She’s wasn’t doing anyone, but herself any favours.
I guess all you can do is just add it to the list of reasons not to ever get sucked in by the creep again and keep moving forward.

Your reaction is understandable and it isn’t for anyone else to tell you you should feel different. Thecabbageassasin talks a lot of sense. We have no way to know her motivation for contacting you. I think the fact you don’t feel better for it means whatever she said wasn’t helpful to you, whether she meant it to be or not.
Might it be because you don’t like the feeling of being affiliated with her in this, as though you are the same? If it’s something like that, don’t worry. Narcissists read people and tailor the manipulation to match each character, it’s what they do. The abuse will look very different with each person.
Hopefully in time you will see this as added confirmation of what you already knew.

So you're angry that she contacted you after you were getting over him?

She had no way of knowing your current situation and could have thought you were still with him.