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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

16 months later!

12 replies

BrunetteMumma · 06/08/2019 23:23

Hi all, I posted last in here about 16 months ago when my husband decided he didn’t love me anymore.
Fast forwards, we are now officially divorced. He has moved on and is living with his new partner (someone he has worked with for 6 years previously) and i have moved on (although not living together taking baby steps) so..he came home from work 1 day and said he didn’t love me anymore, that was April 2018. By September 2018 he was with this girl (who btw is 12 years younger then him and is an ex girlfriend of a good friend of hisConfused ) and they moved in together by January 2019. 16 months and i still struggle! mad aint i?! my life has changed for the better, i got a good job, passed my driving test, got a car and rent my own house. but i will NEVER understand why he did what he did. What hurts the most is he has already done more with his new gf in under a year then what he did with me. That absolutely kills. We have 2 kids together and he has absolutely ZERO respect for me or my feelings. I know in time i WILL be ok. But this evening something in me snapped and i told him how he is selfish and he’s changed and he’s not the man i married or i knew. When will the pain go though??

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 06/08/2019 23:34

He married you and had two beautiful children - so far, he's done far more with you than with her. He's just shacked up with her. If he was shit to you, he'll probably be shit to her. Go and do all the exciting things yourself - would he really have gone along with doing exciting things YOU wanted to do, anyway? I'm guessing no.

As for coping, try going really low contact, child communications only. No social media. You'll actually stop caring so much when you dont know as much. To paraphrase the words of good old Mrs Patmore - what the eye don't see the heart won't cry over. Flowers

Original poster
BrunetteMumma · 06/08/2019 23:47

Thank you so much for ur reply! I know in time karma will pay him a visit. I guess its a lot to do with jealousy, he has more money then i do and they both work full time whereas im part time then having to pay for childcare (which we go halves on) so they have more money to spend on what they want to do! I’ll admit I still cry sometimes at night and the ridiculous part of me still wants my old life back?!Hmm why? because it was easier and i had him. I didn’t just lose my husband, i lost my best friend. xxx

OP posts:
toffeeapple123 · 07/08/2019 00:23

If he can do that to his long term partner, and mother of his children, then he’s not the sort of ‘man’ you want anyway. Hold your head up high and be glad you’re not with someone like him. He doesn’t have integrity or class. And as PP said, if he is capable of hurting you like this, it’s likely he’ll hurt his current interest as well. Just be patient - everything will unravel eventually, it always does. And focus on all the positives and how much you’ve achieved! And life will become even better - 16 months isn’t long to get over something like this Flowers

Original poster
BrunetteMumma · 07/08/2019 02:25

Thank you for your reply. It’s our daughters birthday today and he wanted us to go for a meal and bring new partners. my partner is working late and i told ex it’s uncomfortable for me if you bring her (chances are very high he more then likely was cheating on me with her) long story short he told me i should get over it and allow her to come. i told him he’s an idiot and just because 16 months (a lot bloody less) is good for him it isn’t for me xxx

OP posts:
Winterlife · 07/08/2019 02:30

You have no obligation to make nice with his new partner.

Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 07/08/2019 02:35

Oh ok this is awful, it's late and you're awake thinking about it all x

eve34 · 07/08/2019 02:39

@BrunetteMumma

It hurts. I'm a little further on than you at 18 months. Ultimately he walked away from me and the kids. Who would do that. Cause such upset and destruction. And that is hard to understand.

My ex also was seeing someone much younger then himself. And moved in together 12 weeks later.

It is a betrayal like no other. And I too miss my old life. It was easy and we could give the children a secure and stable up bringing.

I'm tired of struggling and being the only one responsible for everything. I know what we had was a bad example to the children and I try to focus on the positives as much as I can.

I too would not tolerate partners at your daughters birthday. She has two parents and for her sake she should have these opportunities to have her family together. Otherwise you both do your own thing. And I say that as a child of separated parents.

It is good to hear you have someone new in your life. Baby steps is good and in time I hope you find your peace.

Windmillwhirl · 07/08/2019 06:16

Personally, I don't believe in karma. Many horrible people live good and happy lives. I also think waiting for it is stalling your own life, but anyway.....

Sounds like your ego is hurt. Maybe you accepted very little and he didn't feel like he had to do more.

He's clearly trying to impress the new one.

You have achieved a lot since he left, which means quite possibly he was holding you back.

It hurts, I get it, but he's no prize he is? Why allow his treatment of you to dictate your worth? Live your best life. It's time to do it x

IndieTara · 07/08/2019 07:18

Hi OP, I'm sorry you're having such a rough time at the moment.
I'm 7 years down the line and I promise it gets much better.
On a practical note may I ask why you split childcare costs equally? If you work part time ( assuming because of DC's ) and earn less than him.
Do the kids stay with you both 50/50 so he isn't paying maintenance?

Original poster
BrunetteMumma · 07/08/2019 09:24

Thank you everyone for ur replies, it’s very hard and he is trying very hard to be someone he isn’t but surely he can’t keep this ‘act’ up forever?
Yes, I work part time because of DC, they are 6 and 8. He pays maintenance, he has them most weekends but not all weekends, depends what he has planned with his new partner.
I also struggle, he came home 1 night after work and just like that ended everything i had. He broke up our family unit and absolutely destroyed our 8 year old who didn’t take it well. It was a VERY hard adjustment. I had to deal with heartbreak, a divorce, packing up a 4 bedroom house and getting on as normal as i could even though inside i was absolutely breaking. I lost over 3 stone in weight from stress and fainted at my mums house from crying so much and a lack of sleep. It’s been a bloody hard 16 months and i wish i had a switch that i could just switch off and be done with. I hate him for what he’s put me through X

OP posts:
peonyfairy03 · 07/08/2019 10:10

I know how you feel. My ExH has done the same with his partner we have 2DC he never wanted any more he had another with her! I wanted a dog he said no he got her a dog. He would work the whole 6 weeks holiday never taking time off with her they have taken the children abroad something we never did and places in the UK that he would never do with me. It feels like a kick in the teeth and it’s hard not to question why not with me. I am in a much better place we have been divorced nearly 5 years now and I’ve remarried. But at times the anger and hurt still gets me. I don’t know if it’s the OW driving it all or what but it certainly me feel like I wasn’t good enough. I know it will come round and bite him and I know he isn’t happy.

Original poster
BrunetteMumma · 07/08/2019 14:28

I could have literally wrote that! I wanted another child and he says ‘what if i have 1 with her?’ absolutely kills at times. it’s so flipping hard sometimes isn’t it? He isn’t happy, he’s on antidepressants, something he never took with me, he’s changed so much Xx

OP posts:
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