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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

partner wants to leave

23 replies

Challenged27 · 06/08/2019 22:53

Partner of nearly 20 years announced that they feel lonely and if it was not for the DS & DD would leave me now. They are scared of being vulnerable as earn less than me. This breaks my heart, i love them dearly and will do anything i can to make them happy. However if you peel away the reasons that are my fault, and there are a few, it is partly deep seated issues from their childhood that have come to haunt our relationship. I feel doubly hurt as they can say precious little that is kind about me. There is no other person on either side, well at least not on mine. I have sort help, however that has proved a little shocking as the lack of support from my partner and not wanting to help me but push me off onto a professional shoulder to cry on does not look good for their attitude to me. Does this make any sense?

OP posts:

CodenameVillanelle · 06/08/2019 22:55

Your continued use of they and them pronouns makes it very hard to read. Do you think your partner should coddle you for your issues rather than expect you to seek professional help?

Letseatgrandma · 06/08/2019 23:01

I have sort help

Does this make any sense?

No, it doesn’t.

Stop with the they and them, and it might.

Original poster

Challenged27 · 06/08/2019 23:02

No not coddle. But I come at it from the view that at least start by talking to one another to try and understand. Rather than just refuse talk about each others issues to one another. Fine if that does not work bring in the professionals. I think what I am getting to is if they are lonely but won't say they don't love me can it be saved?

OP posts:

MrsDaveGrohl78 · 06/08/2019 23:07

This is a very confusing post

Original poster

Challenged27 · 06/08/2019 23:12

Sorry for poor grammer. Writing issues!

OP posts:

pog100 · 06/08/2019 23:19

It's not really the grammar or the spelling it's that using the third person instead of gendered pronouns makes it hard to understand what's going on. I know responses do sometimes differ according to gender but I think you need to do it.

Letseatgrandma · 06/08/2019 23:38

It's not really the grammar or the spelling it's that using the third person instead of gendered pronouns makes it hard to understand what's going on.

Exactly! Just say he or she.

themmatricc · 07/08/2019 01:22

i dont get why you would call a partner you care about they not him its really weird and i dont really get the question partner wants to leave you

Time40 · 07/08/2019 01:45

I really, really, really hate "they" as a singular pronoun too ... so much so that I can't be bothered to engage with the problem.

MashedSpud · 07/08/2019 01:49

If someone wants to leave they want to leave, whether they are they, he or she.

Honeyroar · 07/08/2019 01:51

Whether it's they, he or she really doesn't make any difference to the story. The fact is, your oh doesn't love you or value in the way that they should. They don't sound like they care for you. Personally I'd be thinking about moving on. If not, try counselling perhaps, but sitting there doing nothing, waiting for them to talk won't work.

Breastfeedingworries · 07/08/2019 01:55

Let them go.

Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 07/08/2019 01:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SwordofGryffindor · 07/08/2019 02:04

Why are you using they? Dont tell me its yet another non binary person who actually shock has a gender biologically

nettie434 · 07/08/2019 02:06

In English, the word “they” is used as a gender-neutral singular pronoun. And while some grammarians claim it is unacceptable, such usage has a long history. As the Oxford English Dictionary notes, “they” appears in singular form as far back as 1375 in the medieval romance William and the Werewolf

From an article posted in FWR today:

www.theguardian.com/science/2019/aug/05/he-she-or-gender-neutral-pronouns-reduce-biases-study

I would feel quite upset if I’d asked for advice about my relationship and got comments about my grammar and writing style instead.

All I can say challenged27 is that it must be hard being in this situation after 20 years. Much depends on whether you would both agree to relationship counselling but it sounds from what you say that your partner has already reached a decision.

Rather than looking at seeing a counsellor as a sign of lack of support, I think having a professional looking at things more dispassionately can help more in the long run. It sounds as if your partner wants to end things and it is unlikely that he or she will change their decision. A counsellor will be able to advise you on the best way to take things forward.

Monty27 · 07/08/2019 02:09

@Rubbinghimsweetly2 can you explain it to me? I am lost even after reading OP twice

Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 07/08/2019 02:20

Read it again, replace they with he.

Makes perfect sense.

Hate this place the way posters jump on others spelling and grammar.

Get a fucking life.

twattymctwatterson · 07/08/2019 06:34

I'm more interested in the reasons she's given for wanting to leave. You recognise there are lots that are your fault, can you explain them.

Op it's clear you're a man posting about a female partner so may as well just be upfront about that. The attempts to disguise it have just annoyed people

Shoxfordian · 07/08/2019 06:44

If they want to leave then hold the door open for them, its over

lawnmowingsucks · 07/08/2019 06:55

Your partner isn't interested in you any more.

There is nothing you can do to change this imo

Ignore the comments about they and them

The opening post is perfectly clear and it's also obvious you're a guy trying not to be on a primarily women based website

It makes no odds to me - man or woman - if your partner isn't interested she/he isn't interested. End of

FuriousVexation · 07/08/2019 06:59

Have you banged someone else, op? Because that's what I'm taking away from "reasons that are my fault"

Karwomannghia · 07/08/2019 07:10

Maybe she’s tried talking to you before but finds the conversations difficult?
Would she be financially vulnerable? Sounds like she’s asking what her situation would be like if you did separate- would she be able to stay in the house with the kids? Would you make things difficult for her?

NotStayingIn · 07/08/2019 07:23

The last part of the post is a bit confusing. So you have looked into couples counselling but your partner isn’t interested? They want you to go by yourself?

If your partner isn’t interested in fixing the relationship then there is very little you can do. If I was in this relationship I would either want to agree to work on the issues, or agree to start separating. I wouldn’t agree to just let it drag on as is.

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